I came over here to check on you, NLW, and am really sorry to read about all that has transpired. Our xh's have such similar behavior. Mine, too, has spewed at the kids. They haven't been out with him in over a year. He scares them with his erratic behavior. He abandoned them, lied to them and repeatedly hurt them.
Like your xh, mine has money to buy a new car and a new house and generally live the high life, but won't acknowledge school or medical expenses that are nominal in comparison. He is incredibly selfish and then seems puzzled as to why he doesn't have a relationship with his own kids.
I'm glad that you and the kids feel you have moved on and are making a life for yourselves. We have done the same. Xh is just someone who pops up from time to time just to insert his craziness in our lives.
NLW, these guys had a master plan that didn't pan out. They have lost control and it causes a lot of fear for them. The spew comes from that place. The more desperate they become the more volatile the behavior. Please be careful.
One thing that's come out of the latest spew from XH is his new version of what was wrong with me/our marriage.
During the M he did not mention this. At BD, he did not mention it. A few months after BD, he gave me a birthday card depicting me as Wonderwoman, and celebrating my achievements in caring for our kids on my own.
He would apologise for himself and tell me it was not me but him.
Two years or so later and he is calling me a "disgusting and appalling person".
"Deceptive and manipulative".
Said that my "conscience should plague me for the rest of my life."
And the reason?
I kept him and his children away from his family - specifically from his grandparents.
And they are now dead.
XH's mlc commenced at the death of his paternal grandfather who was like a father to him.
Paternal grandmother passed, after a debilitating and lonely hospice experience 18 months later.
Maternal grandmother passed 6 months after that, and XH was the only family member available that night to sit with her dead body. A week later, he dropped the bomb.
Maternal grandfather died a few months ago and H had a crisis around funeral attendance and neither he nor the kids ended up going.
So, H's anguish now is that there is no going back. He and the kids didn't spend enough time with grandparents and now they are dead.
It was my fault, as i wouldn't let them.
Hard to know what i can say to validate this without accepting that it was my responsibility.
My pov is that I did the best i could in relation to visiting his extended family, but that i have a demanding professional job, 2 kids at school (sport, music, debating, parties, etc) and H ran a 24/7 business that was failing over the whole time period under discussion. If he wasn't manning the phones, he was paying money we didn't have to an employee. To say the least, there wasn't much time for socialising.
And my memory is that I did ask repeatedly to visit grandma in hospice, but XH was unexpectedly reluctant. He said he didn't want the kids to see her in her condition and only wanted to go on his own. He had full possession of our only family car and the way I got around was that he would drop me off anywhere I wanted to go (mainly to work), so i had no ability to visit see her on my own (hospice was a long way away).
What I now know was that he was in full-blown affair with OW at this time and was using 'visiting grandma' as an excuse to see OW. And, as I had no transport, he could be sure that I would never stumble upon him and OW on their daily trysts at various hotels and cafes around town.
Anyway, just interesting to see how he's built up a version of what I did wrong that admits of no recovery.
Grandparents are all dead. There is no possibility of change. I did a vile unconscionable thing to him and to our kids.
Sorry for long post (As if that's news!). Felt like i had to get this down 'on paper', as it were. It's been going round and round in my head.
validating... "It sounds like you're in great pain, and I feel sad about that too." "I don't remember these events happening the way you do, but I can hear how upset you are." "I miss them too." silence
You are not going to get him to remember things your way, at the moment. Someday later he may remember them differently. But it's clear that he is angry and in pain, and those are facts whether it's your fault or not. Validating is just accepting his feelings.
I give more latitude for people being jerks while grieving, but more space and distance when he's being insulting would be a good idea.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ok, Trying not to focus on what XH does - but it's very hard.
He turned up unannounced at D17's workplace today (she is a checkout operator).
Handed her the latest iPhone (value $750) and apologised for his recent bad behaviour.
True to form for him. A violent spew, a guilt gift and an apology.
S15 got nothing (even though he was the one who had actually asked for a phone when he saw XH recently).
He is upset and feels the unfairness - which will probably emerge as conflict with his sister.
XH thinks D17 is easier to win over than S15 (who is upfront with his opinions of his dad's behaviour).
In the meantime, XH is a week overdue in paying his child support. And refused, on the weekend, to contribute to D17's medical specialist bills or to S15's school book order.
Is there anything to do other than sit back and take this?
My D17 has her final school speech night tonight. She has been at the school since she was 4 years old and will have all the valedictory stuff tonight. There is a celebratory supper for the final year girls and their parents afterwards.
I am starting to obsess over the possibility that XH will show up with OW.
I am already formulating a brief speech that i will deliver to OW if she dares to show her face at my Daughter's special night.
I know this is not DB; I know it will not get me closer to a goal of reconciling (not sure I even want that any more).
I feel like I can't sit by and let this low life, brazen home-wrecker hurt my kids with impunity. She has no place at my children's school functions.
I don't intend to cause a scene. Just to tell her calmly what a despicable low life she is and how she has caused pain and suffering to so many people by her pathetic actions.
On the other hand, I might be lucky; they might both be winging their way to Paris for their next holiday by tonight...
NLW, you must so proud of your daughter. What does she think about her dad and OW showing up at the school? Does she have a say in it? Can she tell her dad to not come there with OW in tow? This should be her special night, she doesn’t have to deal with OW and stuff.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hey BF, My D doesn't want them to be there. She will be hurt and also mortified in front of all her school friends, their parents and her teachers who have known us as a family all of her life, just about.
We thought of ringing XH and asking him not to come, but in the past, this has simply strengthened his resolve. He will NOT be told what to do by us... He has no control over what OW does... and similar dumb-arse comments. He always makes it very clear that he values OW above us whenever the occasion arises.
At the moment, we don't know for sure that he is aware of the event tonight - so we don't really want to bring it to his attention.
But the chances are that he does know - and, if past performance is any indication, he will show up with the hag.
I kind of knew that you would say that your H would not listen to you or daughter's wishes. I remember from your previous posts that he did it in the past. You are right not to bring it to his attention, and hopefully OW will have a stomach ache and will not show up.
Keep your attitude positive and enjoy the night.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Almost worked myself up into a migraine worrying about XH showing up with OW at D17's final school speech night.
When I got there, I tried not to look for our/her car, and when i went into the auditorium, I kept my eyes focused on my own space and didn't scan the room.
Didn't see them and managed to focus on the event.
Supper in the school cafe for final year parents and girls at the end of the night - and it became apparent that XH was not there.
So, all that worry for naught. And no use for my 'how very dare you' speech. Thank goodness.
Saved from myself.
Ended up having a great time. Even took lots of photos of the girls all playing around afterwards. Creating great memories.
This morning, after the pent-up feelings of yesterday, i feel like a weight has been lifted.
With D17 now finished at school, it's like we're entering a new phase of our lives.
I think i have been dragged down by the scandal XH has created amongst the close-knit (hot-house) group associated with school.
It's been tough having to brazen it out at school events for the last couple of years as the woman whose younger husband left her for a much younger woman (and a life-style of conspicuous consumption), and flaunted this trophy around our small community as if i had never existed.
Knowing that I don't have to mask-up and present myself in front of them all as 'that woman' any more is producing a sense of relief.
I suppose i am shallow and need to care less about what people think of me... but I have been ashamed for so long.
It's hard when you are defined, in other people's minds, by what someone else has done to you.
I have felt like a cuckold (or, at least, a female equivalent), a dupe, an old fool... all of those stereotypes of ridicule and victimhood.
I think that moving away from the hot-house gossipy environment of D17's school will be a relief.
I still have S15's school to deal with, but somehow it doesn't feel so bad any more.
