ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[PatientMan]

Here's my take, had your marriage been horrible, he would have walked away years ago.

Actually he did write this to me.

It feels so horrible that he is choosing to push me away. How does someone do this to another and not see the damage?

When we were on the phone, a week ago, I said I had some hours to make up at school. He asked why, and I said that I had missed some days in the Spring and early Summer.

He had no clue that I completely shut down. That I couldn't just go to school as if nothing happened. He had no clue that I was so devastated that I stopped eating, sleeping , working on the yard. That all I could do was curl up into fetal position and cry.

He saw me after I had to give the okay to put down one of my Yorkies. He saw the depression I went into and how if affected me. He saw me walk around like a zombie. How could he not think that I would not feel devastation? How could he not believe that I would feel this way and worse over our situation?

He is not a cold man, actually he is quite loving and empathetic. Even during this he can see how it affects my youngest.

This is not a casual relationship, this is 33 years of our lives, my life, and his life.

It is so hard to believe that this is about his childhood. Especially when I affirmed him whenever I could. I always thanked him for providing a nice home, for being a loving father. I told him when he looked handsome or sexy.

I didn't get that from him, even though I wanted it too. I don't understand why , after he leaves, he NOW tells me that I look great, nice and so on. Why now , does he thank me for things? What is he saying? I can only do this to friends?

I need to understand from him, I need to hear it from him. I feel so shut out and apart. This is the hardest thing I've ever endured.

I do know he has made errors, he admits it too! Whether they are the same errors will not be revealed yet. I am an individual that needs to understand, I want to learn , and grow. I feel stalled and shut down.

It is tearing me apart not communicating with him on a cognitive and emotional level. It is so painful that he has to be affirmed by strangers. And I'm becoming one, a stranger , yet he thinks he knows me.

I've got to go to school now and work on a project with a young woman. She isn't very bright, and I was paired with her by our instructor. This will test my patience, and I'm really not in the frame of mind to be the one leading this. I would rather do this on my own.

I'm so sleepy, I just want to curl up and sleep 'til Spring.

Job, and others thank you...I don't feel beautiful right now. I feel like an empty shell, and I just want the good part of me back. I want to be creative, humorous, and filled with love. I want MY husband to wrap his arms around my body and just say this is a phase, and that he will come home when he's healed.

I want him, I don't need him, never have. I just wish he understood the difference in me wanting him for him (not money) and not needing him . He wants to be needed emotionally, yet he doesn't want to be needed .

One day at a time, one moment in time. TIME STINKS!

But ice cream is awesome!

Patience, Amb, patience.

You said this is the hardest thing you've ever endured, and you're probably right. Make sure you USE that to better yourself.

Endure...persevere. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I want you to bookmark your post that I quoted. I want you to bookmark it because I want you to come back to it later on when you're doing so much better and look back at how far you have come from this point in time that you wrote it.

You WILL succeed. You WILL feel better. This, too, shall pass.

Endure well! Patient endurance!

-PM