SM34's Post

[Accuray]

SM34, Here's my $0.02 -- I feel like you're pretending with W that you've "dropped the rope" but in reality you haven't.

When she goes to see OM it tears you apart. When she puts her head on your shoulder it makes your heart leap and gets your hopes up. You try to read into the things she says and does looking for positive or negative meanings and what they may lead to.

That conflict of trying to act one way and feel another way is pulling you in multiple directions and your frustrations will leak out inadvertently as they did with that passive aggressive comment.

You are still very much attached to your W, and you're watching her carry on an active affair with another man, and your pain from that is very evident. No one here likes to see that pain and everyone wants to help you move beyond it.

I know you're a big fan of MMSLP, and although it seems promising, I have never seen it help in a DB situation. I think any time you are not being true to yourself, and instead putting on an act to get some desired result, it's bound to backfire -- and I feel like in this situation with W you are putting on an act. Trying to be someone you're not is exhausting.

I know that a tenant of DB is "Act as If", and I guess you could say that's "putting on an act", but it's different than acting like someone you are not. You can act as if and still be true to yourself. In addition, I believe "act as if" is a transitional strategy. You can't "act as if" forever. It must be combined with GAL. If you GAL well, your self-esteem and sense of self-worth will recover and you no longer have to act as if, because you actually become okay without your spouse.

Passive aggression is borne of frustration, anger and resentment. How can you change your situation so that you are not feeling these emotions so strongly?

What is important to you and how you want to live your life?

What are your defining principles?

What treatment will you demand of others, and what treatment will you not accept?

I would take it back down to it's core -- define who you are and how you will act, how you will be treated, then live your life according to those principles and do not compromise, do not rationalize, just be authentic and act with integrity, and trust that on that basis everything will sort itself out.

Acc