labug-You are so good with your responses. You know just what to say to keep things civil and put the responsibility back on them without being offensive.
3 and labug-What did your H anger phase look like and how long did it last? Did he blame you for everything, too?
My H anger seems to never end. I'm getting so worn out listening to what a horrible everything I've been for the last 15 years. blah blah
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
3, don't let H's comment get to you. It's obviously coming from a place where he is upset with himself, but instead of acknowledging that, he is blaming you.
With the asking you if he is a good Dad, I wonder if, because he has been trying so much harder lately than ever before, he was hoping for some positive feedback from you. Have you let him know (outside of that convo, like on your own) that you think he has made great strides in being a good father? Just curious.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Blues - My H started his anger phase in the spring of 2013. I think that this is when he started to get more involved with OW (and when OW's husband went to prison and was out of the picture). H swooped in to rescue the OW and blamed me for his unhappiness in life to justify his affair (mindreading, but I do think this was part of what happened). It got worse right before BD and it continued from July through the beginning of October. My H said that the things he did were wrong, but would still turn it back on me and say that it would not have happened if I was a better person, wife, etc. He was downright cold and mean. I felt like he was an alien.
I really picked myself up off the ground in the beginning of October and starting DBing. I worked hard on myself, stopped contacting H and started to live my life. I stopped focusing on OW and stopped asking H about her. I stopped beginning H to apologize for his actions, because he was not and is still not capable is understanding what he really did and the pain that he caused. When I spoke to H, he was either angry or stone faced. He expressed no emotion. H completely rewrote our history ("I dont know if I was ever happy during the last 15 years.")
A turning point came when I apologized to H one day. I apologized for all the things that I realized I had done wrong in our M. I apologized from my bottom of my heart, without any reasons or justifications for my actions. My H cried for the first time in months and thanked me for the apology. For the first time in a long time, I think that he felt heard. I had spent so long pointing my finger at all the horrible things he had done (which are horrible) that I did not take ownership of y part of the demise of our marriage. I still dont think that the things that I did wrong justify his actions. My H is clearly having a crisis separate from what went wrong in our M.
Over time, H realized that I was not going to break down in tears every time I saw him. When he was mean, I would walk away and not argue back. I stopped the cycle and distanced myself. H slowly started to let go of the anger.
By focusing on myself, I am slowing taking away the things that my H used to justify his actions and the A. Most of the things that he complained about are now gone. And despite the fact that they are all gone, my H is still not happy (based upon his sobbing phone call last week). I am hopeful that he will start to look inward when he realizes that I am not the root cause of all of his unhappiness. He may never do so, but I am starting to see bits and pieces of my prior best friend return. It gives me hope that he is still in there somewhere.
If your H starts spewing mean things, simply walk away. You dont need to be subjected to that. H is not going to stop. You need to take control of the situation and make it clear that you will not be treated like that. It was the first boundary that I set and I actually did not even verbalize the boundary. I just walked away and took time for myself to regroup. The first day that I walked away and did not argue back and/or cry at the horrible thing he said, my H had no idea what to do. I went upstairs, locked my bathroom door, took a shower and cried to myself. When I came back downstairs, my H immediately apologized without any prompting and it was over.
Hi M - I am not letting H's comment get to me too much. I was just more upset with myself for my snappy remark. I know that I could have handled the situation better. H seemed off last night. I did not ask what was wrong and figured I would just let it be and start fresh today.
I have told H several times that he has been doing a fantastic job with the kids and that I am proud of him for the changes he has made. I tell him how excited the kids are to do things with him. When H and I talked right after Thanksgiving, we talked for a while about how we are both better parents now. I know that I have not been really good with the compliments in the past, so I am going to continue to try and get better
Thanks 3-This must be script for the MLC/WAS. All the phases of anger are exactly the same with our H. The difference is that you've been good with the DB techniques and GAL much longer than me.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Blues - It made me feel a lot better whe. I realized that the things my H was sayong was part of the script. You just went through BD and you are already doing better than i did for montha after. Once I learned to forgive myself for the backslides and for the moments of anger and sadness, things got a lot easier. I stopped being so critical of myself. GAL really does help. I am an introvert so I hate new situations. But once I put myself out there is got easier.
Tonight I headed out to happy hour with a group if women who are all recently separated or divorced. It was great to get out. When I got home, one of the Christmas presents I had ordered arrived. Each year I would get a new family Christmas ornament for our tree. I was agonizing over what to do this year. I finally found the most beautiful ornament and it arrived today. I love it. It is a wooden snowflake with the word "BELIEVE" inscribed on the front. After BD I bought myself a heart necklace with the word believe handstamped inside. Anytime that I was feeling sad, I would wear the necklace to remind myself that I need to believe in myself, to believe in god and to just let go. If I felt the urge to call H or do something stupid, the necklace served as a reminder to stop myself and to really start believing in me. It is the word that I repeat to myself if I feel that pain and grief start to take over. I am so excited that I will have this ornament to hang each year to remind me of how I learned to love and believe in myself again.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Blues - It made me feel a lot better whe. I realized that the things my H was sayong was part of the script. You just went through BD and you are already doing better than i did for montha after. Once I learned to forgive myself for the backslides and for the moments of anger and sadness, things got a lot easier. I stopped being so critical of myself. GAL really does help. I am an introvert so I hate new situations. But once I put myself out there is got easier.
Tonight I headed out to happy hour with a group if women who are all recently separated or divorced. It was great to get out. When I got home, one of the Christmas presents I had ordered arrived. Each year I would get a new family Christmas ornament for our tree. I was agonizing over what to do this year. I finally found the most beautiful ornament and it arrived today. I love it. It is a wooden snowflake with the word "BELIEVE" inscribed on the front. After BD I bought myself a heart necklace with the word believe handstamped inside. Anytime that I was feeling sad, I would wear the necklace to remind myself that I need to believe in myself, to believe in god and to just let go. If I felt the urge to call H or do something stupid, the necklace served as a reminder to stop myself and to really start believing in me. It is the word that I repeat to myself if I feel that pain and grief start to take over. I am so excited that I will have this ornament to hang each year to remind me of how I learned to love and believe in myself again.
3, how did you find such a group of women? I would LOVE to even talk to someone IRL who is going through the same. All of my friends are married and even though the two I have told are amazing and I don't know where I would be without them, it would just be so great to have someone to go out with, or chat with, or commiserate with, or anything!
Quote:
I am so excited that I will have this ornament to hang each year to remind me of how I learned to love and believe in myself again.
Wow, this brought tears to my eyes. 3, you always inspire me! I know that this has not been an easy path for you, but you are amazing. Really. And you have once again inspired me - this time to come up with my own version of your one word! Thank you for this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I found the meet up group online. It has been a great outlet. We dont always talk about our situations but it is nice to know that they understand. All of my friends are married, so it is hard to find someone to hang out with at night when I don't have the kids.
This board has been my saving grace. I read a post months ago when I had just joined and someone wrote about a similar word that they used to provide strength and help to keep moving forward.
