I didn't see H Tuesday due to my staying late at school basketball games. I didn't really want to see him anyway after his behavior and ugly attitude on Monday evening. I enjoyed the BB games and it was good to be on my own for the evening.
Yesterday, we made supper together and hung out before he went to work. He called me on his way to work and while we were talking I heard a buzzing sound. Without thinking first, I said some catty remark about it being his second phone. He got upset at the comment but we continued with the convo.
Then, later, he texted me and was really upset about the "second phone" comment from me. He said he told me weeks ago, after the "picture" on the phone incident, that he didn't have a second phone anymore.
To be fair, I haven't seen a second phone again. He leaves his regular phone unlocked now. He doesn't hide it from me when he's texting people or doing FB. But, I am having a hard time just trusting that he doesn't have a second phone anymore. Ya know?
H texted me: "We keep fighting and your catty remarks keep sidelining us starting over. It doesn't seem like you are moving forward."
So, we texted about this for a bit, but the convo started going in a negative direction so we agreed to talk about it some other time.
(Sidenote...I did tell him that I didn't feel like we're fighting. I thought we were discussing things and working through them...but that I understood that he feels like it's fighting. This part of convo made me sad because I thought we were doing pretty good the past 10-12 days...)
Now, today, he seems to be ignoring me so I'm keeping my distance, too.
So, where is that line between me needing him to be honest but thinking that he probably isn't....and me needing to stop with the comments about stuff I "think" he's hiding?
Ok, honestly, I think I know the answer here.
It's just so hard for me to STFU about a second phone, about his bags still packed at his friend's house, etc. I don't want to be made a fool....so I insecurely bring stuff up sometimes. And it ALWAYS ticks him off. So, why do I do that? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?
It won't change anything whether I bring it up or not...so I should just STFU? Right????
Only talk about positive, pleasant things right now...and if I don't have anything nice to say...just don't say anything?
job started a thread about our imaginations and fears...and I am wondering if this is one of those things for me. I am imagining that H is doing all kinds of things behind my back....and I'm imagining what a fool I must be....without any proof right now that he is doing any of those things.
Sometimes, I find myself in a bad mood about things I "think" H might be doing or about imagined scenarios in my head that haven't even happened! ARGH!
Am I sabotaging my own happiness...and the possible reconciliation of my R with my H because I'm giving in to my fears of being hurt again?
