Reaching out for support and advice!!

[labug]

I think inviting him is OK, just so you're clear on why you're inviting him and have no expectation about what it means if he goes or doesn't go. That's the hard part, his choices say nothing about you.

My thread is here: We're Dating

[3boymom]

Blues - I think that inviting your H is a good plan so long as you have no expectations. I dont ask H if he wants to join in on everything, but just the bigger stuff that I have planned. I ask once and then let it go. If H comes, great. If he does not, we still head out and have a great time. I would only invite your H if you fully intend to follow through with your plan (baring any emergencies or things beyond your control). You dont want to give H the impression that you are still living your life dependent on his actions.

[bluesgal]

Thanks labug and 3-

I agree. NO expectations. In fact, the only reason I'm asking is b/c we live together and are still functioning as a family at times. If my H chooses to leave, I will not ask him to join us any longer. And, yes, I will follow through with plans whether he joins us or not.

Journaling:

My H texted me tonight about the kids. So frustrating. He NEVER calls. I have an old, crappy cell phone. I cannot text with speed. So, I always text him to call me which makes me feel like I'm pursuing him. Hate that.

He joined us for supper. Was nice. We shared about our day. Talked with the kids. Smiled at eachother when they said/did stuff that made us proud or laugh.

Came home. I did a 180. I shoveled off our cement in front of garage. There is a lot of it. Did it all. I have maybe done this once in our marriage? H asked what got into me tonight. I said, "Nothing, just need to get this done."

After that, we finally put our Christmas tree up. It was just like before. We talked about how glad we are that we have a new tree stand for it. We sat around and talked. I told him, "Oh, by the way, thanks for all the snow removal and plowing over the years. It's not exactly fun." He seemed to appreciate the comment.

Went on through the night. Some awkwardness, but I just gave him his space. Overall, good night (by today's standards)

I miss him so much. I just want to touch him when we're talking. I want to touch his hand or his leg. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

I will keep a PMA tomorrow. I will not pursue him. I will meet him at our daughters game tomorrow and smile and act 'as if'. My sister and I are meeting some friends for drinks afterwards. I will invite him to join us if he'd like. I will go anyways if he doesn't join us. I will continue to DB. I will keep working on me.

[melissag]

BG, sounds like you had a good night. I can totally feel the pain you are going through. While I do think it is an advantage to have H around so you can DB and he can see the changes in you, I will admit it is extremely painful to have an H around who you are not allowed to act married to. For a while, everything seemed almost normal - in fact, maybe even better than normal - except that I could not touch my H. I never realized how often we would touch each other until then. He would come upstairs and sleep with me every few nights and we would be intimate and hold each other all night, but then go right back to the no touching the next day. It was brutal.

I think it was great that your H noticed that shoveling was different for you, and the way you handled his inquiry was great. Also, nice to applaud him for having done all the shoveling in the past.

You're a rock star, BG!

[labug]

Hey BG, I notices on someone else's thread you said all your H does is drink alcohol? How is that affecting you?

[bluesgal]

He has increased his social drinking and it seems to be a major outlet for him. This summer he drank excessively...and daily. If you would have asked me the, I would have said it affected me greatly-scared me. Now, it seems to be his focus when out socially.

I am unaffected by it. I don't try to control it. It forced me to read codependent no more and I've decided that he is in charge of his decisions and consequences-not me.

[labug]

Good.

[bluesgal]

Met H at D15 Bball game last night. Things are so awkward. We said hi, then struggled with any conversation after that. Eventually, things eased a bit and we talked a lot about the game and H told me a story about the kids.

When it came time to leave, H was angry at me for meeting my sister and going for a couple of drinks. I invited him to come along and he declined, but still got angry at me for going?? I just don't understand how everything I do is wrong. What does he want? I don't feel strong today. I feel like this is never going to end.

Why is it so hard to be friendly, kind, and communicate? Is it his guilt? Is it hatred towards me? This morning I felt like giving up.

[bluesgal]

Had a tough situation with H anger this weekend. Went out to see our favorite live band play at our town festival. My parents, his parents, our kids and several friends were there. H met us there after work. Everything seemed a-ok. We talked, shared a couple drinks, laughed. Kids went home with grandparents and H drove us home. When we got there, he said ok, see you later. I was like what?? So, I hesitated getting out of the vehicle and asked him if everything was ok, does he want to talk about anything, then he got extremely angry. Almost like a rage. I was just confused that he was dropping me off instead of going home like we always have before. I was caught off guard.

He started punching the steering wheel, yelling and cursing he just wants to drive around and have time alone. Things didn't end well. I didn't feel safe. I stayed at my parents that night. H slept in his vehicle on a below 0 night in his work parking lot.

We spoke the next day. He apologized. He cried. He told me he is confused. I asked him to leave for a little while until he can get his anger under control. He's now crashing on a (loser) friends couch. I'm sure reliving the glory days with no responsibility. This feels awful.

Did I do the right thing? Talked to our counselor today. He agreed with me. Our sitch seems more and more hopeless everyday. The kids and I are on our own again. Alone in our home with all the responsiblities while H lives the life of a teenager. Resentment is creeping in again. No phone calls or texts from him to see the kids. Nothing.

It's these unexpected and odd situations that throw me off of my DB. I didn't push or pressure him.

[melissag]

Hi Blue, just responding to your post on my thread:

Completely agree about the fears. I have conquered many things. 180s are going well. No contact unless necessary. Great GAL.

What's up with the fear/detachment??

I just can't seem to get over that hurdle. It brings me down and make me doubt myself.

I even agree with the fear of walking into a party by myself. I do that all the time now and feel so strong in so many ways.

Why do I feel so weak with fear/detachment? My fear is that my H will experiment with his independence and choose that over his family. I fear that his memories of me and our marriage are all negative now and cannot compete with the single life of no responsibilities.

I know I have no control over this and ultimately my DB will help the odds in my my favor, but it causes me great worry.

Nobody said this was easy!!

So take a few minutes and think about all the things you have worried about (OK, maybe just a tiny fraction, since there is a time limit here). If you are anything like me, I would guess that less than 1% of those worries came to fruition. And of that less than 1%, some large percentage turned out to be less disastrous than you imagined.

Worrying is utterly useless. If you are concerned about something, you can either (a) do something about it, or (b) forget it. Well, you can do nothing about what your H is doing, thinking, feeling, or deciding. (I do believe that you can make him NOT want to come back, but I don't think you can make him want to.) So if you start worrying about it, throw it in the (in my case, very large) "things I am worrying about that are a waste of time to worry about" pile, and go do something productive. That's my MO. Maybe it will work for you.

When I feel fearful now, I remind myself of where living out of fear got me before - immmm, it was NOT a good place, and I never want to go back there. That and, now I have a nice list of quotes about fear (posted on my thread by PM) to refer to. My favorite actually is the Yoda quote: "The fear of loss is a path to the dark side."