All things dull and ugly...

[LoisB]

Thanks so much to everyone here for offering their support and advice. It means so much to me. The following quote is what struck a chord for me. These words choked me up inside. I think this fits for me and for what's making this so hard.

I love him very deeply. Not that anyone else doesn't, but something about the dynamics of my own family growing up and when he came into my life and how I'm wired--all of it--it's made it very difficult to let go. Without getting too deep in the muck. I love him a lot and he always came back. I counted on that because not everyone in my life did that.

I've always felt alone, but, I trusted H would be there for me always, no matter what. I thought he would come home. But, I need to face what is, not what I want it to be. And, the facts are easy to read right now. Just not easy to accept. But, I will. Because I have to.

I will re-create my idea of a fully-functional, happy family. When I was a kid, the movie "Author, Author!" with Al Pacino really moved me. I remember watching that movie and seeing that even broken families are still families and I loved how that movie dealt with the pain and the humor and the anger that comes from broken people having kids and trying to raise a family imperfectly. I remember wishing my mother would follow the unconventional approach of the movie.

I longed for that kinda family. The reality is that...when a family breaks apart and there is infidelity and lies and all that we are surviving on these boards...there's a reality that kids grow up quickly. You can't watch a parent make such huge, life-changing decisions without growing up and having to face the sadness and hurt and anger that comes with it.

I wanted my mom to face that stuff. I loved how my mom approached the divorce initially. She allowed me to be that grown up person, while still being a kid. I was allowed to swear at home. I was allowed to feel what I was feeling without someone telling me I wasn't allowed to feel it. I was given certain freedoms my friends didn't have because I had been through a life-altering experience that they couldn't understand. It changed me. It changed the dynamic I had with my mom.

Then, she got scared and remarried. And, it went back to a traditional situation and I went back to being just a kid that didn't know nothing. But, I did. I knew a lot, because I had experienced a lot too early. There were blessings in learning so much so early and curses.

I guess I'm trying to see the bright side here. My kids will be ok. They will continue to grow and become strong women--and God, I hope they never have to experience this again in their lifetime.

And, I'm scared. Because he is so sick and I don't trust him. But, I won't let those fears run away with themselves. I know he truly doesn't want the reality of parenting right now, so I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself.

Thank for these beautiful, understanding words:

1) The loss is real - There is something very tragic about the loss of a deep and meaningful long term relationship. The damage to kids, finances, your self esteem, is significant. You have to grieve the death of your dreams and you can clearly see the potential in the relationship that your spouse can't. Working through this grief takes time.

2) The relationship was very intimate - My spouse was my best friend. It was the longest, deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. The truth is that nobody knows you as well as your spouse. The rest of the world just sees a superficial facade. Rejection from this person is incredibly hurtful and hard to get over.

We hold unto hope, because we realize the loss and we want to avoid it. We want to be validated. we long to hear "I was wrong, you really are a terrific person, I accept you again"

These are very normal feelings and if you didn't feel them then there would be something wrong with you. don't feel bad because you seem emotionally stuck and are having a hard time detaching. Detachment takes time, there is no "Easy" button.