We loved these damaged people and got sucked into their damage, internalisd it, if you like.
Heather, I now realise I am better off without my xh. He is still in crazyland, and I am not. It is that simple. Get out of crazyland and you will see the damage clearly. Fwiw I know that a part of me loves me xh deeply, but I do not need him. And I do not despise myself for loving and honouring what was good in him, and the happiness he brought to me.
But I live in the present, and the present is awesome, even when it is difficult. Your life can only get better from now on. Let go of him, truly let go.
Heather, I'm glad you are taking my postings w/a grain of salt. I only what is best for you. BTW, I just started a thread on our imagination. You might want to read the statements I posted.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
//Why is rejection from someone so damaged still so hard for me? Why do I keep hoping?//
For me, there are 2 reasons:
1) The loss is real - There is something very tragic about the loss of a deep and meaningful long term relationship. The damage to kids, finances, your self esteem, is significant. You have to grieve the death of your dreams and you can clearly see the potential in the relationship that your spouse can't. Working through this grief takes time.
2) The relationship was very intimate - My spouse was my best friend. It was the longest, deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. The truth is that nobody knows you as well as your spouse. The rest of the world just sees a superficial facade. Rejection from this person is incredibly hurtful and hard to get over.
We hold unto hope, because we realize the loss and we want to avoid it. We want to be validated. we long to hear "I was wrong, you really are a terrific person, I accept you again"
These are very normal feelings and if you didn't feel them then there would be something wrong with you. don't feel bad because you seem emotionally stuck and are having a hard time detaching. Detachment takes time, there is no "Easy" button.
Thanks so much to everyone here for offering their support and advice. It means so much to me. The following quote is what struck a chord for me. These words choked me up inside. I think this fits for me and for what's making this so hard.
I love him very deeply. Not that anyone else doesn't, but something about the dynamics of my own family growing up and when he came into my life and how I'm wired--all of it--it's made it very difficult to let go. Without getting too deep in the muck. I love him a lot and he always came back. I counted on that because not everyone in my life did that.
I've always felt alone, but, I trusted H would be there for me always, no matter what. I thought he would come home. But, I need to face what is, not what I want it to be. And, the facts are easy to read right now. Just not easy to accept. But, I will. Because I have to.
I will re-create my idea of a fully-functional, happy family. When I was a kid, the movie "Author, Author!" with Al Pacino really moved me. I remember watching that movie and seeing that even broken families are still families and I loved how that movie dealt with the pain and the humor and the anger that comes from broken people having kids and trying to raise a family imperfectly. I remember wishing my mother would follow the unconventional approach of the movie.
I longed for that kinda family. The reality is that...when a family breaks apart and there is infidelity and lies and all that we are surviving on these boards...there's a reality that kids grow up quickly. You can't watch a parent make such huge, life-changing decisions without growing up and having to face the sadness and hurt and anger that comes with it.
I wanted my mom to face that stuff. I loved how my mom approached the divorce initially. She allowed me to be that grown up person, while still being a kid. I was allowed to swear at home. I was allowed to feel what I was feeling without someone telling me I wasn't allowed to feel it. I was given certain freedoms my friends didn't have because I had been through a life-altering experience that they couldn't understand. It changed me. It changed the dynamic I had with my mom.
Then, she got scared and remarried. And, it went back to a traditional situation and I went back to being just a kid that didn't know nothing. But, I did. I knew a lot, because I had experienced a lot too early. There were blessings in learning so much so early and curses.
I guess I'm trying to see the bright side here. My kids will be ok. They will continue to grow and become strong women--and God, I hope they never have to experience this again in their lifetime.
And, I'm scared. Because he is so sick and I don't trust him. But, I won't let those fears run away with themselves. I know he truly doesn't want the reality of parenting right now, so I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself.
Thank for these beautiful, understanding words:
Quote:
1) The loss is real - There is something very tragic about the loss of a deep and meaningful long term relationship. The damage to kids, finances, your self esteem, is significant. You have to grieve the death of your dreams and you can clearly see the potential in the relationship that your spouse can't. Working through this grief takes time.
2) The relationship was very intimate - My spouse was my best friend. It was the longest, deepest and most intimate relationship I have ever had. The truth is that nobody knows you as well as your spouse. The rest of the world just sees a superficial facade. Rejection from this person is incredibly hurtful and hard to get over.
We hold unto hope, because we realize the loss and we want to avoid it. We want to be validated. we long to hear "I was wrong, you really are a terrific person, I accept you again"
These are very normal feelings and if you didn't feel them then there would be something wrong with you. don't feel bad because you seem emotionally stuck and are having a hard time detaching. Detachment takes time, there is no "Easy" button.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
There's a bigger picture here. You're not seeing it yet. Understandably since you are so much in the trees on this one and still being pummeled on a regular basis. You were accused, abused, and otherwise mistreated for so long by a formerly trusted person you thought you could rely on. Now you are starting to see the bigger picture. You are starting to see that he is not in a good place - much like a drowning person that will take you with him if you try to help. Lots of action and movements - much of it makes no sense even to him.
I borrowed this from Wishing's thread. AJ wrote some more fine words of wisdom.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
