Sorting it All Out

[reachingHigher]

I am sorting it all out.
What is mine.
What is his.
What is ours.

About the discussion of H thinking I should've had no issues when he came back....

We had a thorough discussion last night. At first it wasn't going too well. I kept trying to validate and repeat back what he was saying and he kept saying I wasn't understanding at all.

Then he came and sat beside me and spoke kindly. I asked him what it was that he disliked when I asked him things. He said I just hate when you ___________.

So we were able to get some things out in the open. He said that he just dropped the comment about people (friends) saying that I shouldn't have issues and it isn't that HE thought that.

He said he talked to more than one person at the beginning of this year and complained about me wanting certain standards and they said "you're back. Isn't that enough?"

H said HE never felt that way.

I reminded H that at the beginning of 2013, he was only delaying the D. He never moved back in and said he was "coming back". For a long time it was an uncertain thing.

He remembered. He remembered he was the one who called the L to call off the D.

I said those people that said I shouldn't have issues, didn't understand. I told him I had been through grief when he was gone but I was going to get back on my feet after D and I would've been okay. I wanted him to know both these things.

I also said, no, I didn't realize "how far" he left except that we were going to D. We have both agreed that he had to go "that far" to really know what is "out there".

It is the first time we have really talked about his coming-back-part of the MLC so openly and honestly. I cried, of course, but wasn't out of control.

I told him I was afraid every time there was a tough spot he would have the temptation to "run". He said he doesn't want to run. He knows what running means now. He didn't know that before. He just wants things to get better between us.

I told him holidays usually put a lot of pressure on people. I have some bad memories from last December and I know he does too.

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He talked about us. He said that he wants to start doing more things with me that I enjoy and he would like me to do more things with him that he enjoys. He said we have a lot farther to go in our R and he would like to keep us building our R together.

I found this very encouraging. I remember in late 2012 he talked to me about us being in-love with each other and we had more levels of love to go. In think he was referring to this concept, last night.

I know for sure he wants a great R with me. He said he wants to continue to have fun times/drinking times with his friends but now he is taking me with him. And he mentioned the party we will go to on Saturday night.

He said the guys always like me but it is tricky with the girls b/c they have issues of their own and are jealous. He said just to be confident me...and listed several ways he noticed that I have reason to be confident....working out consistently, establishing a brand new career with no previous background, and listed some other ways that escape me right now. He says I have every reason to hold my head high....and didn't mention him as being one of those reasons. Which I liked it was just about me.

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So...we ended the evening very comfortably.

We have dinner theater tickets tonight for a Christmas comedy. It is with another couple. He works with the man, who is higher up in management level than my H is. So we both hope the dinner is tasty and the show goes well...but we get along very well with them and have also eaten out with them before.

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More discussion, comments, suggestions are always welcome.