Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[LoisB]

My first question, as your friend and fellow Aspie mom, what are your state's laws on common law marriage, especially when children are the result?

Would you be able to ask for spousal support from him?

How much would you be able to expect in child support from him?

You don't need to tell your H about any of these questions. But, you need to know the answers.

Is your child eligible for disability?

[tigerlily78]

My first question, as your friend and fellow Aspie mom, what are your state's laws on common law marriage, especially when children are the result?

Would you be able to ask for spousal support from him?

How much would you be able to expect in child support from him?

You don't need to tell your H about any of these questions. But, you need to know the answers.

Is your child eligible for disability?

Our state doesn't recognize Common Law Marriages formed after 1992 or something like that, so I won't be eligible for spousal support, just child support.

My son is very high functioning, so until he attempts to get employment of his own and there is some evidence that his disability keeps him from holding a job, I don't think he will qualify. We live in a Southern State, so the programs are very skewed towards not paying benefits if they can find any excuse not to.

So for the time being, allowing H to pay the household expenses is financially a better deal for me, even if it does give him a sense of leverage and control over his coming and going. And I do get the sense that he cares about son enough that even if H and I totally fell out and hated each other he would uphold this commitment. As much as he is letting son down in the emotional department now, I don't see him being able to take on the guilt of also putting son through the upheaval of leaving our home. What does concern me is that H may make other decisions without considering how they might impact his ability to uphold the commitment. But I have no control over that.

[tigerlily78]

A legal site I visited estimated my monthly child support at around $580 a month. I might get an additional $120 or so a month to apply toward his counseling appointments relating to the Aspergers, but H also gets a markdown on what he owes (which is already applied to the $580) for providing the health insurance coverage.

[tigerlily78]

And yes Heather, you are right. I need to reaffirm my goals to the therapist and stand strong, and if she can't be brought in line with my goals I may need to find another one. I picked her because my son saw her a few years ago for depression/anxiety and I really thought she was great in working with him and she had "life transitions" as one of her listed focus areas. So to hear her say she doesn't really believe MLC is a real thing kind of shocked me.

I may think about canceling my next appointment with her if there aren't any shocking developments in the next week. And then decide if after the Holidays I want to see someone else.

[tigerlily78]

Well, today was okay and I am good with that.

H woke me up when he came home and asked me if today was trash day. (One might have guessed from the fact that I put the trash and recycling and 7 bags of leaves at the curb last night, lol) I gave him the bill to pay at least 3 weeks ago. Turns out he didn't pay it. So he planned to pay it online this morning and he wanted ME to call their office and tell them we paid and make sure they took the trash. In my just awoken state I was a little short with him. "If you are just paying them now, you may as well just call in to the office and pay over the phone. Then the lady can immediately send a message to dispatch to have the trash picked up. Doesn't that make more sense than me making a call and telling them you paid it?" He was reluctant at first. He wanted me to call. I mentioned that I gave him the bill weeks ago, it shouldn't have come to this in the first place... That he should step up and just sort it out himself. I apologized for being kind of pissy about it, but I am tired and this was not a nice way to start my day.

I know my H HATES making these kinds of phone calls. But its a consequence of a choice, right? I'm neither his "wife" nor his "mom" ...why should he expect me to jump out of bed and help fix his mistake or ease his discomfort? :P

I thought he might be pissy after that, but he did end up coming home for lunch on the early side. Minimal contact most of the afternoon. I could tell he was busy working so I gave him lots of space.

I did need to run to the store to get something that son was supposed to bring to school tomorrow for a party. I told H about it yesterday, giving him the opportunity to go pick it up himself if he wanted to or remembered, but he hadn't. So this afternoon I messaged him: "I realize you are really busy right now with work stuff. Do you want me to run to the store to pick up that item for son's school tomorrow?" He said yes, come get the keys and some money.

He didn't plan to eat here tonight, so son and I ate without him even though he was still here when we ate. H came down later and grabbed a granola bar or something to take with him. Son and I were playing a card game at the table. He made a point to lean over and give son a hug from behind and patted him on the chest affectionately before he went. I like to see him making the extra effort with son.

[CallaghanClown]

Great to hear you made him deal with his mistake. Would you wake a housemate up to call the bin man after you've forgotten to pay???

It's lovely watching them give the kids the affection they need. Just wish it was more often.

[Pudmuddle]

I agree with CC. He really needs to start taking care of himself if that is what he really wants. Just because he hates making those kinds of calls is no excuse to have you do it. We all have stuff we don't like to do. Make him grow up tiger!!!

I'm glad he is paying more attention to your S.

[2Times2Many]

Hi TL,

Just checking in on you.

Good for holding him accountable for his mistake! I wonder how many times he will have to do things like that, that he hates to do, before he realizes that giving you a monthly amount of cash to run the household might be a good idea?

2t2m

[tigerlily78]

So, I think I forgot to mention this before, but in passing the other day H mentioned that "the stress of dealing with me was starting to carry over into his interactions with OW." <--- Oh no. Poor them.

Today H came home for lunch, but I guess wasn't planning on staying. He didn't tell me this. I made him a salad. He shoveled it into his mouth and then got ready to leave. I asked, "Ahh... so you are running away again. I didn't realize that was the plan." He says, "Don't be b*tchy about it. I am going skating early so you can have the car for your meeting."

I say very calmly, "My meeting got rescheduled for Sunday night. I sent you a message about it, but thanks for thinking of me.

I AM trying not to be bitchy, but I am also never going to be happy and excited that you are leaving to go eat lunch and spend money on another woman. That makes sense, doesn't it? Especially when we are still putting off getting a Christmas tree and doing Christmas shopping. I don't like your priorities right now.

Speaking of which, is your work going to call me again today looking for you? It's one thing to go spend money, it's quite another to risk your job, which might mean you couldn't keep the commitment you have made to keep paying for the house." He says "it should be fine." (Pretty sure that is EXACTLY what he said last time) I remind him son wants money for a class trip tomorrow too, he will have to decide if he is going to send him money and have it ready tonight.

H hustles around the kitchen getting ready to go. I say, "You don't actually seem very happy to be going skating right now. You seem stressed. In fact, it seems like lately you have more responsibility and stress than ever before. If this situation doesn't make you happier, then why do it?"

No answer. He practically RAN out of the kitchen and out the front door. Guess I need to go around the kitchen cleaning up my spent arrows. :P

[tigerlily78]

Texted him tonight to ask if he would be bringing money for son's trip tomorrow.

H calls while I am upstairs saying my goodnights to son. FOUR TIMES. Once leaves a voicemail saying, "I want to talk to someone, pick up."

I finally got back downstairs for the 4th call. Picked it up. He says he left money in the mailbox for son. Ugh, so I know I am supposed to be overjoyed but I was pissed. I told him it seemed awfully cowardly that he couldn't come in and give the money to son himself. Son didn't even get to see him today. He hung up.

I called him back and left a voicemail. "Thanks for not letting your son down. I guess that's progress."

He left the money in an envelope that seems totally like "stationary from the trailer house" maybe that's what annoyed me more than anything. He either went to the dollar store or picked up an envelope from HER place, knowing full well he was just going to drop the money and run.