Reaching out for support and advice!!

[juliegayle]

Validating is hard for me as well. The other night H told me that I was ignoring Ss 18. I said I was sorry that he felt that way. I love ss and that is certainly not my intention. Could he please give me some examples so I can pay more attention to the interaction next time. This made H incredibly angry.

When things are very tense and hostile I do no attempt any validation. I go as close to NC as possible living in same house.

I don't know if your sitch is that bad. What is current arrangements. Same or separate bedroom. Are you trying to continue to do things together like meals etc.?

[bluesgal]

We are living in separate bedrooms. H is downstairs. I am in our bedroom. I've only been back home for a few days now, but it feels so lonely here. So quiet. This is not what our house used to sound like or feel like. It used to have energy and smiles.

My H looks awful. His eyes are glassy. My mom and others have made comments that he looks tired. He said tonight that he's had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's been sleeping so much.
On Monday, he left work as quickly as he could to watch son's Christmas concert and then proceeded to sleep through the entire program. He's not himself. Every sign of depression, but all I can do is watch.
He looks absolutely miserable. Kids and I are going out for supper tomorrow. Told him he's free to join us. I guess we'll see. I know it's a matter of time before he leaves. I can feel it.

[MrBond]

"I didn't know there was significance to our situation after the holidays."

I can see why he would get upset after you say things like this. It's baiting. Next time just say you don't know. Period.

[bluesgal]

Thanks MrBond!

[bluesgal]

I Know we're not supposed to assume what our spouses are thinking or feeling. I just have this feeling that H is going to leave. He looks absolutely miserable. I know he hasn't brushed his teeth in over a week...gross (I'm a dental hygienist :))

His hygiene and motivation are nearly nonexistent. If he comes to me and tells me he's leaving, I want to be prepared with the correct response. What do I say/do if he wants to leave?

[labug]

What do you think you should do or say?

You're using a lot of energy worrying about things you have no control over. Things that may or may not happen. Is this something that is common for you? It was for me, I spent way too much time trying to predict and then plan for every eventuality.

We waste today worrying about tomorrow.

Spend your time on things that you can actually change. Like why you worry so much.

It sound like your H may actually be sick or is this his norm?

[bluesgal]

Thanks labug, you're so right. Yes, I'm a worrier by nature, but I so badly don't want to continue to mess things up. I feel like when I'm prepared, I say the right things. I don't do so great when I wing it.

I've let A LOT of things go. Don't worry nearly like I used to. This sitch has taught me how to take things day by day. I am more flexible and easy going than ever. I guess I can see now what's really important in life.

This is not his norm. The family (his/my parents) are so concerned. I get comments from people that see him that he looks 'tired'. He is not well. His sleep and memory are terrible. He refuses help because, of course, everything is MY fault.

You know, if I was just out of the picture, his life would be great

[labug]

So, move out of the picture.

As much as you can, I know you have children so you have to have some contact but leave him be. That's what he wants.k

If he's sick, he's an adult. There's not much you can do about that.

Why did you ask him to go to supper with you and the kids? (that's not a WhY in the world did you? just why?)

Sometimes the best way to show love is to let go, physically as well as emotionally.

[bluesgal]

My decisions have now been to move forward with my life. He complains that I NOW do the things he has wanted me to do for years. He thinks that since I'm doing them now, it's because all along I never wanted to do those things with HIM. Not true. I was in a slump. Unconscious in my marriage. Taking things for granted. Not getting my needs met by H, so just doing the status quo for so long.

I have decided that if the kids and I do something/go somewhere, I'll tell him he's free to come along if he'd like. If he comes along, fine. If not, we'll go anyway. Is this good DBing?

[bluesgal]

labug-I looked back on your sitch today. Wow, it's been a long road for you! I'll read up more, soon. What's your latest thread?