Divorce Busting Techniques

[melissag]

All true

overthinking.. my middle name..

That's me too. You have to stop or you will go insane. Accept that you don't know most things and can't control them anyway, and focus on the here and now. What are you doing that is consistent with your values/goals? That's what you need to be thinking about.

[loualea]

Good question Melissa

Am I consistent??
I think I am getting better at it..

Well today I noticed that I am working on being a more emphatic listener with everyone.. telling myself to STFU and listen, listen and not be thinking about what to say next.. and I was talking to a 16 year old about a football injury.
I am being a less agressive me, quieter, calmer, more thoughtful, less cynical, more reflective.. the me I am when I am happy and not feeling like I have a point to prove or a decision to reinforce.
I am saying no wiht grace and also accepting things to do that I like to do..

I am being more appreciative, noticing and being thankful or saying thank you.
I am talking to myself and stopping thinking and imagining and wanting to control others with the power of my wishes...--I use self talk.. sadly out loud sometimes so i will really listen to me !!!!

My first goal is that our relationship will be friendlier and less stressed..




I feel that is happening. We telephone twice a week, if it suits H. so far it has the last few weeks. The conversations have been friendly though I still hear some tension. I do not ask direct question, I leave long silences so he can think and speak, I do not ask about next week or even the next day ( that is seen as controlling). I talk about how I am reconnecting with friends- true, enjoying the dog- true, exercising more- true.
If I do not reach him when I call I leave a brief message.. if he would like to call that would be fine.. he usually calls back or texts if he is still at work.
I do not text in between time- giving him his space. I do not send the last text if I can avoid it..

I have sent 3 very brief, genuine emails expressing gratitude, thanks for fixing the step it is so much safer now the weather is frosty or thanks for the great job on the fence.. makes life with the dog easier.. thanks for all the snow sweeping last year now I know what a big job it is.. good thing I am fitter..

Not often, but he does like to hear that he is appreciated..He usually replies That'S great to hear..

Feels like teeny, tiny baby steps
I also remind myself it is not over until I say it is over..

Here are 2 weird things..what are your thoughts..( trying not to overthink but I feel a bit confused)

I am thinking about taking on more work.. unintentionally while we were talking I asked him what he thought ( hard habit to break asking for his input.. the words were out of my mouth before I realised) It was not the plan because that is talking future and us - it was a slip.. I waited for long silence but he answered we can discuss that on the weekend?????

I think before I would have told him what i had decided and how it was going to work even while asking for his opinion . this time I am really looking for his views- all sorts of implications tax wise, house wise, and not forgetting dog wise.

I then mentioned friends of mine, who 2 months ago he said he hated becasue they had always laughed at him ( not true but his perception) . They invited us to a big party this weekend when he is here .. not his thing in a good year.. I told him about the invitation and said that it was OK not to go that I had mentioned we could be busy. I think before I would have assumed he would come with me and asked with a tone that did not allow for a NO answer--- yes I was that controlling and bossy and ugly.. hard to admit.

so of course he says we could go if I liked ?????

So trying not to overthink..

I don't really want to go to such a crazy party in such a fragile state,, I do want to discuss work with him..

I could have a hundred guesses at what he is thinking but I am not going to and if he changes his mind about either.. then that is fine.. and if he genuinely wants to go to the party.. well go we will!!!


I am becoming more the me I recognise and the me that I like...

Not sure where I have been but it is good to see me again!

[3boymom]

Hi Lou - I would plan on attending the party with or without your H. If he comes great, if not go and have a great time without H. You don't want him to think that you are still making decisions in your life dependent upon his actions. You want to show him that you are still living your life and you are not going to put it on hold for me all the time. Plus, I think that you will have an awesome time.

[juliegayle]

Lou it is wonderful that you see yourself becoming a better version of you. Learning how to really listen and think things through will bring many good things to your life regardless of what happens with your M.

(I talk to myself out loud all the time. I am really just working through things and it slips out ha ha.

I am also glad that you set a smaller goal. As you have already noticed seeing baby step achieved is great for your PMA.

You have already reminded your self not to over think or guess his thoughts or motives. Just wait and see what happens. I agree you should make plans to go with or without him. Just plan a quick pop in so there is no pressure then you can stay longer if you are having fun.

The weekend is 4 days away. Hope you have fun getting to know you again!

[loualea]

Parties

I really don't like them.. big work functions..he does ..

let's see what the day brings..
I also had an early morning thought ( a good one - not here comes another crappy day)
I will share.. if I think I am in control of everything and everyone...then anything that happens will be my FAULT.
If I let go and realize I am not in control of anyone except me then there are a whole lot more things I am not responsible for...freedom..

I also remembered
believe none of what the WS says.....
thanks for the thoughts on the party..another perspective.. at the end of the day my choice..

[melissag]

[quote = loualea]Am I consistent??
I think I am getting better at it..[/quote]

I didn't mean are you being consistent with your actions. I meant are your actions (and feelings) consistent with your values and goals - what you want for YOU.

Your whole answer talked about what you are doing with respect to H. Stop putting so much emphasis on that. That is only a small part of the equation.

What are your goals/values for you and for this separation? For example, some of my goals are: take care of my body (that means get sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise); take care of my mind (yoga, no negative self-talk, etc.); accept things they way they are and turn out rather than trying to control . . . I have a whole list with some different categories. One of the categories is how I want to behave with respect to my H. But that's jut ONE of them. It's like, less than 20% of my list.

So what is important to you? What, aside from your H, will make you feel fulfilled in life? Make a list. When you are feeling sad or overwhelmed or angry, you can accept that you feel that way, but then look at your list. And, if you have done things that are consistent with that list, tell yourself, OK, I am sad/angry/anxious, but look, I did X, Y and Z today, and those things are consistent with my values and goals . . . so I am doing OK.

Does that make sense? You need to put more of the focus on you, Lou! What are you doing to GAL??

[labug]

lou, this is the basis of everything:

If I let go and realize I am not in control of anyone except me then there are a whole lot more things I am not responsible for...freedom..

Hold on to that, it will help you even in the darkest times, even in situations that are not M related. When you begin to live that, you do truly have freedom and everything else falls in to place.

Create the life you want, H may decide to be a part of it, he may not. Either way, you're good.

[loualea]

37 points

I read a version posted just recently that one of the moderators (I think)
Had added few details to...

of course I did not bookmark it or copy it at the time.
It is in the back of my head that one of their additional comments was something I need to think about

A search here o n the forum does not help

any one have any idea where it might be... I have the original list BTW

[melissag]

You mean this? 37 Rules

[loualea]

37 rules thanks Melissa

buut there was a version with some added extra bits.. posted not so ,long ago I thought
I'll keep looking