SM34's Post

[SM34]

Oh explanation. D3 new schedule requires her to be at school at exactly 7.45am instead of whenever we wake up. So I actually had to get up earlier and wake her up.

Also new schedule involves picking her up from the local elementary school at 2pm and driving her to her daycare until the bus service starts next week.

Then at 5.30 she has to be picked up.

[adinva]

Whatever you're trying to communicate to W would be much more effective in English than with passive aggressive actions or cryptic remarks. And if you were really treating her like a roommate it would be no problem to sit down and discuss that you are now roommates and not married. Your words here, and your actions, don't match up.

[MrBond]

"And..I need to get used to doing it on my own and what better time than now.."

Why would you even say something like that? It's passive aggressive. AT that point you should have told her about your boundaries.

"Response: ok. Whatever that means."

That's the response I would have expected her to give based on what you said.

"I left it there. I wanted to imply that eventually D3 would be living here with me on our own."

You were trying to manipulate her thoughts again. The only thing you haven't done is actually argue against her.

[willbwell]

SM, I know how hard all this crup is.
As, for as the fatigue...could be depression(sorry I haven't read that far back into your sit)
Have you talked to your dr about AD?

[SM34]

Adinva and Mrbond, I see your point now as I read your comments. That was a passve agessive way of responding.

Could you give me an example of a beyer response? How could I have uaed the situation to set a boundary?

Willbwell, yes I probably suffer from some depression. I'm under a lot of stress with my business which I founded 12 years ago but that n the last three years has not been performing so well.

I was on wellbutrin which was good but I decided I didn't want to be numb. I should probably talk to my dr about starting some again.

Thank you guys! Appreciate all your help

[Accuray]

SM34, Here's my $0.02 -- I feel like you're pretending with W that you've "dropped the rope" but in reality you haven't.

When she goes to see OM it tears you apart. When she puts her head on your shoulder it makes your heart leap and gets your hopes up. You try to read into the things she says and does looking for positive or negative meanings and what they may lead to.

That conflict of trying to act one way and feel another way is pulling you in multiple directions and your frustrations will leak out inadvertently as they did with that passive aggressive comment.

You are still very much attached to your W, and you're watching her carry on an active affair with another man, and your pain from that is very evident. No one here likes to see that pain and everyone wants to help you move beyond it.

I know you're a big fan of MMSLP, and although it seems promising, I have never seen it help in a DB situation. I think any time you are not being true to yourself, and instead putting on an act to get some desired result, it's bound to backfire -- and I feel like in this situation with W you are putting on an act. Trying to be someone you're not is exhausting.

I know that a tenant of DB is "Act as If", and I guess you could say that's "putting on an act", but it's different than acting like someone you are not. You can act as if and still be true to yourself. In addition, I believe "act as if" is a transitional strategy. You can't "act as if" forever. It must be combined with GAL. If you GAL well, your self-esteem and sense of self-worth will recover and you no longer have to act as if, because you actually become okay without your spouse.

Passive aggression is borne of frustration, anger and resentment. How can you change your situation so that you are not feeling these emotions so strongly?

What is important to you and how you want to live your life?

What are your defining principles?

What treatment will you demand of others, and what treatment will you not accept?

I would take it back down to it's core -- define who you are and how you will act, how you will be treated, then live your life according to those principles and do not compromise, do not rationalize, just be authentic and act with integrity, and trust that on that basis everything will sort itself out.

Acc

[PatientMan]

I know you're a big fan of MMSLP, and although it seems promising, I have never seen it help in a DB situation. I think any time you are not being true to yourself, and instead putting on an act to get some desired result, it's bound to backfire...

I never took MMSLP as "putting on an act", but more of a self-realization and self-improvement book. Which is actually why I considered it to be very DB-friendly.

Just my $0.02 on that snippet of what you said.

-PM

[AnotherStander]

I really haven't been doing more of the same. For the past about 4 months I've been staying out of her way and out of her physical space. I've just now picked up again on the test and check, affection stuff.

Or do you mean that I was mind reading again on OM?

What I meant was it still sounds to me like everything you do is still a "strategy" to try and get W back. You have a history of trying to diagnose what is "wrong" with your W and what steps you need to take to "fix" things. It's like this comment:

I put my arm around W a we walked and she put her arm around me. She seemed to be squeezing a little hard and kind of had her head on my shoulder a little as we walked.

She "seemed" to be squeezing a little hard and she "kind of" had her head on your shoulder. Wow, you can read so much into the most benign acts! You almost make it sound like her reaction to you putting your arm around her means she's ready to reconcile! Quit trying to figure out what every little thing means, because a lot of the little things like that don't mean anything at all.

SM34, Here's my $0.02 -- I feel like you're pretending with W that you've "dropped the rope" but in reality you haven't.

SM, I think that Acc's entire post is spot on, but regarding ^^this^^ comment I think you're not just trying to fool your W about dropping the rope, but you're trying to convince yourself you've dropped the rope too. It's very evident to those of us reading here that you haven't though, and we're trying to help you see that. You are totally on her roller coaster, you've got a front row seat.

MWD says in DR that we humans hate change, so instead of really and truly changing we'll do the same things over and over but call it something else to make us think it's a change. So I might write a letter to my W telling her why we should get back together, but I get no response, so I call her and tell her the same thing. I think you'd agree that both acts are the EXACT SAME THING but I can tell myself I did two different things since one was email and the other voice. See what I mean? You have been stuck in the exact same patterns and ruts throughout your sitch, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Ask yourself, what is something you could do that is radically different? Something like Acc's suggestion of packing her crap up and changing the locks while she's at OM's. I'm not saying you need to do that, but I AM saying you need to think BIG. I wish you would just get disgusted with putting up with her constant trips to OM and just get DONE already. THEN you might do something different!

[ccZ28]

[Quote] I wish you would just get disgusted with putting up with her constant trips to OM and just get DONE already. THEN you might do something different!

[/Quote}

This is where I want to be. This is where I am striving to be. You want to be with OM so badly? Ok, goodbye. But on your way out, take a good look at what your missing out on.

[SM34]

I agree, I haven't dropped the rope. Its so hard! I'm not quite as emotionally tied as I might seem, but I'm definitely on the rollercoaster. The in depth descriptions were for MrBond because he asked how the interactions where and so I wanted to capture the moments.

I've slept on the Accuray post now, and I do see I need to drop the rope. I need to start doing more things for myself and by myself so I can reach that point..ASAP.

Today her first big paycheck is supposed to hit our account. She has said all along that she wanted to use it on mortgage and bills so she can 'help me for once'.

Not sure who recalls but part of my sitch involved a lot of prrssure from her regarding our financial situation. She never viewed her getting a job as an option, only me working harder and smarter. And the stress become too much for my weak little OLD self. I caved and buckled under the pressure and withdrew.

So now she wants to help. Anyway, this morning she said she wants some of thr money to buy xmas gifts for herself to unwrap since I wouldn't be getting her any. I never said that by the way, I know xmas is a big deal to her and I always get her something.

So when I asked her what she had in mind she handed me the ipad with amazon open with her wish list. I looked through and noticed a button for 'other lists' and there was a list with OMs name with 19 gifts. I'm sure she's not getting all of them but those were what's she's picked.

Anyway, so I set the ipad down and said I'd take a look at her list tonight. A lot of it was stuff for the house, like new pots, a statue, etc.

So here is something BIG that I want to do that is totaly and completely out of character. I'm from a culture where we don't believe in separate finances and she knows and has relied on that. So what i want to do subtract half the mortgage from her work deposit and withdraw the rest in cash and give it to her.

Then I can explain that she paid half the mortgage since we are roommates. The rest is yours to do what you want with.

She needed to be making her own money a long time ago do she can feel good about herself. I realized that too late, so now she should have her own money. Whebn I've mentioned its her money to do what she wants with, she has said sarcastically 'well no, its not'. So here it is babe. You are free! Fly like a bird!

What do you guys think? Its a step towards separating finances right? A litle bit of reality.