Sinking into a dark place

[MrBond]

You didn't acknowledge me so I'm assuming you took offense to what I said about getting your self esteem back. That's okay. But you're going to find out that while many people will be on your side it isn't going to help you to get your W back.

"My fear is that this will not make a difference. She will come up with something else after I get in shape and look better. That's what has happened the last 20 years."

That's all on you. It sounded like you were the one who went back on your changes. The point is that changes need to become permanent. If you revert back to old bad habits, then the person you're with isn't going to trust you the next time you say "I'll change". Change yourself to become a better person and make those changes for life.

"do this... I do it...it changes for a season then goes back to or actually worse than what it was. Then repeats."

Are you talking about her or you?

"So, I'm NOT losing weight and getting in shape FOR HER, but FOR ME! I do want to get healthy....for me, for my kids and to be around longer."

Which is good. However the workout will help your self-esteem also.

"For 10-12 years, it's been me. All I'm saying is could it be possible it's her?"

You said you backslid on your changes. It doesn't sound like it's all her. It's always a little of both sides. It just depends how much or how little you've kept the changes going.

"And if it is, if she loved me, why wouldn't she go to the DR to try to see if everything is ok?"

Because she doesn't think there's anything wrong and you can't control her to make her see that YOU think there's something wrong.

"Instead, she just settles and says, this is me, I'm not you and don't try to make me you."

She's right. You're trying to control her behavior and thoughts. What you don't get is that you CAN change her thinking once you stop trying to control.

"To me, if she came down with cancer or was in a car wreck, this would be different. IMO-those are things she can't help. This, I believe she can help IF SHE WANTED TO but I believe she just doesn't want to help it. Having sex maybe on average 2 times per quarter is NOT normal."

To who? It's not up to you to tell her what YOU think it's normal. AND when you say that to her, you're essentially telling her that there's something wrong with her. You don't like it when you think she's saying that about you, so why would you think she likes it when you think that about her?

"It's not so much "self-worth" type of need as it is an actual human being who is supposed to be my wife to DESIRE me. Why is that so hard?"

Because it is HER CHOICE to desire you or not. It is hard especially in a M. YOU just don't see it. And again, you're trying to force her. She's not disrespecting you. She just isn't feeling it. There are many times that you probably didn't want to do something she asked of you. You might think they are small things but to her, they may be big deals. Same here. She doesn't see the lack of sex as a big deal. And the more you pressure her, the less inclined she will want to do it.

You say that you tell her about what YOUR physical needs are, etc. and she told you to go ahead but just not in an intimate way, and then you got upset about that. That's all control on your part. You EXPECT her to have sex with you and then you EXPECT her to enjoy it. It's all one sided.

"With DESIRE comes CONNECTION. With CONNECTION comes security...security gives birth to self-confidence & self-worth in my opinion."

You're wrong. "self" confidence and "self" worth are exactly that. They depend on YOUR self.

"Happiness? No, I can't rely on her for happiness and wouldn't. That's a choice."

Same goes for confidence and worth.

"I talked to a therapist today... I liked him...now I'm going to see if she would go see him on her own and see if this works."

As others have mentioned before, DO NOT suggest this to her. It is again you telling her that there's something wrong with her. There isn't. She has just made a choice that you disagree with. She has a right to it same as you have a right to your choices. Respect that. When you start understanding that, you'll REALLY understand her and can actually hear what she's trying to tell you. From there you will be able to figure out what to do to get things on track.

But if the only voice you choose to hear is your own, then she won't be heard.