Being the nice person isn't always fun!

[CallaghanClown]

Help I'm scared.

Everything is moving too fast and I'm not ready. He was supposed to stay in the tunnel for a long time yet.

I'm scared that I'll push him back in. I'm keeping cool in front of him but freaking out when alone.

Yesterday we had a long conversation about how low he was feeling. Then today he came and I could see he wasn't right but that he wasn't 'mad' either.

He asked me on another date. He kept touching me. He kept standing next to me, leaning into me. He wanted to please me, make me happy. He said he is at zero with me and needs to change that.

He acknowledged that he needs counselling. Said he's going to book it. He acknowledged that it's a long road ahead.

However he did seem in a rush to leave tonight, which is different to Sunday, when he didn't want to leave.

He's not asked to come back. Maybe he just feels guilty and wants to be nice. But my gut says he wants to come back. Or he's working towards wanting to come back.

I'm not ready.......this is all too fast....I thought I'd have a lot longer to get used to this.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he'll go back in the tunnel. Maybe he's just playing me and being nice so he can have the best of both worlds.

Do they really run out of the tunnel like this?

I'm not giving any pressure. I'm being nice, calm, patient, helpful. I'm using words of affirmation (his LL).

Wow this part is hard. All of the parts have been hard. You pray they'll show signs and when they do, it's hard.

I'm trying not to think about the future.

[MrBond]

You're letting his insecurities feed on your own. Try to stop having expectations and trying to figure out what he's thinking. You're not him. And his mind is so jumbled up, you can't let his ride be yours as well.

[CallaghanClown]

I know......but it's not always easy. Sudden movements are scary.

[Pudmuddle]

Aww Callie. I agree this would be very hard. Slow down, girl. Take a breath. When you get in freak out mode, what I do is, try to pay attention to my breathing. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. Do this about 4 or 5 times. This helps distract me from the moment of freakin'.

For one thing, I would stop wondering whether he is coming or going or when or where. You are in a very good place with him and he is trying. What the girls wrote on my post was very good, about how H is still trying to get comfortable in his own skin, may not feel worthy of you yet, so he is trying really hard. Take it moment by moment and don't think about what will or MAY happen next. You just can't do that to yourself or you will combust. As I said on my post I might split into two personalities

Slow your brain down. Take his moments and enjoy them at the time. You can do this.

[tigerlily78]

CC... I don't think your H could "fake" the admission that he has problems and wants to seek help, and that he has done it BEFORE any movement on his part to come back seems really important to me.

If he wanted to come back and YOU made it a condition of his return, then it would be easier to second guess... but that he seems to be the one initiating the discussion about how he is feeling and that he knows changes are necessary to help him get right, to me seems GIANT.

My H yesterday had the nerve to mention he thought "the stress of dealing with me was carrying over into his interactions with OW." So yeah, what your H is saying is a WORLD APART from where most of us are.

I understand you are scared and you think things are moving to fast. The good news is, you are in a really strong position to GUIDE your H towards the help he needs and to be a pillar of support for him as he works through this... you don't have to promise he can come back yet. You don't have to promise you will reconcile. But I think you can promise to do your best to be his friend through this, especially because you recognize how important him getting through this journey successfully will be to his ability to be a sound father for your kids.

Remember, just getting into therapy isn't going to change him overnight. It's a long process. It is still going to take time. And it is completely okay for you to also say, "hold on, I need time to process the changes" and "we have both changed and ARE changing through this separation and process... we are going to have to take it a day at a time to learn to get to know each other again, I am not ready to just jump right back into a relationship pretending everything is the same. A lot is different now."

[CallaghanClown]

Omg lily.....I needed those words today. That's exactly how I feel and I needed the words to use, if it's ever necessary.

It's hard to know when to say something and when to STFU. But when I do need to speak I now have the words.....thank you.

I have expectations now and I need to work on getting rid of them today.....

I spun myself into a tight web last night and just couldn't sleep. I felt like a CSI agent, looking into all of the possible conspiracy theories. But I'm just mind reading. I have to go with the flow.

[Pudmuddle]

Once again, that was awesome advice tigerlil.

[labug]

Yes, his saying he wants help and actually doing the work are very different. I'm not saying don't believe him but rather take it a day at a time.

Probably the worst move you could make is to jump back into "marriage mode."

Support hi like you would a really close friend.

It is scary, tho. I get that, so that usually means slow down.

[CallaghanClown]

No desire to jump into marriage mode. He needs serious help. If history tells us anything, he'd expect me to fix him......not this time.

[CallaghanClown]

Would it be the stupidest thing ever to ask H what is going on? I'm getting more and more unnerved by his behaviour.

Today again he's been here asking me out on dates. Making plans to meet up, just us two, on Sunday.