Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Heather, Ang, kp.


The niceties and the distance:
It was very nice last night. Went to dinner at an asian place. H didn't sit on the same side of the booth with me like he would have normally. "normally"...heh. He walked in front of me up to the restaurant, he would have normally been beside me. He didn't hold the door open but walked in, in front of me. He toasted my birthday. He had a sapporo (beer) which came in a huge bottle and it made him more talkative and he actually laughed and smiled. Hadn't seen that in a while. My fortune cookie said 'To love and be loved is like the warmth of many suns'. I let H read it to see if he would get a clue, nope!

He made the effort to buy a cake. It was Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting and must have weighed 10 pounds! It was THICK with frosting, Lordy. He did get me a card, it was funny with no lovey-doveys and just signed his name. He did get me a gift card to my favorite spa up the street. He let me hug him and thank him for the card and gift.

After S went upstairs, I looked at H and said 'H...(waiting til he looked at me in the eyes, which he did) I want to really, really thank you for the effort that you put into my birthday'. He said 'Well it IS your birthday'. I said 'I know, you didn't have to but you did and that means a lot to me' I started gently weeping. I am such a cryer in my old age, sheesh. I walked over to where he was sitting and I kind of grabbed his head in an arm hug. I also whispered 'I miss you'. Pursuing thing, but I do feel in my sitch he needs to feel that from me. I was often too distant before BD.

Then we watched TV for a bit. Finally both of us were starting to doze off, probably from food coma, and he said 'K, I'm heading to bed'. I said 'Ok, me too, but I get a REAL hug for my birthday', laughing while I said it. I stood up and spread my arms out like come and get it . He walked over and hugged me for a few minutes, nice close body hug.

Also, to note, I have seen no evidence of him texting anyone, not even on the bills. He also spends 99% of his time at home.

His treatment of me has been better and I am getting way more than most people on here and for that I am grateful. But I am still very confused. The last time we went through this, we still seemed to have the physical connection. We had sex occasionally before. He would kiss and hug with warmth before and now he avoids the head area at any cost. Even when he and I hugged he made sure his face was out of the way. Not that I tried to kiss him, but it felt odd. It felt like he was going through the motions and it felt...empty inside. That scares me. Maybe it is really different this time.

I just need to remember that he is hurting. For him to remove himself from the kissing(and sex) is huge. He has told me he loves kissing because it makes him feel desired and connected emotionally. So it hurts to see that display, or lack of display, from him. He must really be hurting badly inside, emotionally, to let the physical stuff drop. I really think he has no idea how to recover from this. And I don't even know if he wants to. I feel like he is going through the motions. So confusing when I see effort but yet no warmth. This damages my self-esteem.

How do I begin to regain emotional connection? He seems receptive, so I feel like I should try things to see if we can build on that. I guess I can always try and then back off if it doesn't work.

Please don't get me wrong, it sounds ungrateful but I am not, just confused as heck this time, to make big effort to do things for me, but yet stay removed. I know this is more from him than I would have seen post-BD. And he doesn't remember a lot of the things he did back then. He seems to be in a state of clarity but I get no feelings talk, at all. Not even a where are we at.

Rambling thoughts. So conflicted. UGH. I feel like the tragedy and comedy masks. I swear this is going to split my personality in two! Hurts the head.

[Underdog]

Happy belated birthday, Pud!

I don't know what to say to answer your question, but you seem to be doing well in your circumstances. Whatever you're doing, it's working. I know it's not to your satisfaction, but you're not doing or saying things that are pushing him away. I also know status quo is painful for you, but in the grand scheme of things, you're not in a bad place.

So keep on keepin' on!

Hugs,

Betsey

[BrightFuture]

Pud, I’m happy and sad for you at the same time. I’m happy that your H shows some effort to be nice to you and do things for you. I’m sad that he still emotionally distances himself. I can see why you say that it could split your personality in two. I think I would feel the same way.

Be careful with the pursuing actions. He might in a very fragile state right now, trying to figure out his feelings. If OW is no longer in the picture, he might going through withdrawal .This could explain why he is trying to keep some distance from you.

You are doing great, Pud. Keep doing what you’ve been doing.

[tigerlily78]

I am glad your birthday turned out nice and he made the effort to make it about YOU.

I know you just want to nudge him toward the emotional reconnection and more physical stuff... but he may just still be in that state where he doesn't think he deserves any of it. BF could also be right about the Withdrawal phase.

Just remember, that it isn't because you aren't sexy and wonderful... it is because he can't allow himself to be with someone sexy and wonderful just yet. He isn't ready.

[2Times2Many]

Pud, belated birthday wishes. I'm glad you had a nice day.

I agree with TL and BF. He is still in a fragile place, still trying to feel good in his own skin (as Job would say) and he may be going through withdrawal from OW. Give him time to settle some things in his mind.

Just keep doing what you've been doing and don't lose patience now. You've come a long way.

2t2m

[Pudmuddle]

You girls are freakin' awesome. I was so confused and I read your words and you are all absolutely right.

Fragile, still trying to feel good in own skin, withdrawal, isn't ready yet, doesn't think he deserves any of it, status quo is painful, trying to figure out his feelings...WOW.

All very true.

And D@mmit I AM sexy and wonderful.

I feel so much better. This will make me keep going a little longer (til the next down cycle ) I'm so blessed to have these boards and all you great people.

[Ambivalent]

Puddy Pudding,

You had an awesome b-day. Compare to , my H. sending and e-mail . Ha! Not only did he teach your son the way to treat his mommy, but he planned the dinner, bought a card, and yes you got full on body contact.

My wee green monster wants to slap you! Heh heh heh.

I'm happy for you Puddin' 'n Pie. You deserve a good upcycle!

<3<3<3's

[PatientMan]

And D@mmit I AM sexy and wonderful.

Me too dammit!

-PM

[Pudmuddle]

dear ambi, you are so funny.

and PM, yes, all PM's are!

----------------------------------------

Sigh. Doing ok for the most part. H still seems to be texting Floormop from what I can tell on the phone bills. So I was wrong about it slowing down. Sigh. Why doesn't he get sick of her. I don't understand how he can be here most of the time and see her too, enough to make her happy. SIGH.

He told me about his bad day at work last night, and was venting. I just listened and validated. Then when he was done, I said 'sorry hon, that sounds awful. Do you need a hug?' and I spread my arms out like, come and get it, and I smile. He said 'nah, I'm ok...but I could use a back crack'. We used to crack each other's backs using the bear hug method. So I did and I'm thinking 'didn't want a hug huh', while I cracked his back.

I wish I knew what was going on with him. The past week or so he has looked tired. Then yesterday he actually didn't shave so his beard was growing out a bit. He just looked ragged and tired. I asked him about the beard and he said 'Just being lazy'.

Then this morning he shaved it off. I told him I hoped his day was better today. He has called me twice today but it was about logistical stuff with our S, mostly. He also mentioned he had to work a bit late tonight and then tomorrow as work is stacking up. I really wonder if he is actually working tomorrow...

I hate the wondering, married people should know what the other is doing and feel good enough to trust that. It sukks when you don't have that confidence.

I told him I was bummed he had to work late because I was going to ask him if he wanted to go see the new hobbit movie. He loves those movies. He did sound positive about it but said maybe we could do it tomorrow night.

He does seem to have more clarity than he has in the past. Still a few forgetful things here and there. But he does look me in the eye now when talking, will actually stop what he's doing when I start talking, is open to full body hugs. S.I.G.H.

Maybe now that he's kind of out of the fog stage and moving into a clarity stage is a good sign. Why doesn't he want to be a good person and do the right thing, that is so disappointing. How can a person be happy lying...to someone who used to mean something to them.

I feel like he looks at me like just someone who is there. Not anyone who means anything to him.

Just ventin'.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Pud

Sorry about the rebuff on your offer of a hug. Maybe a little distancing is in order ... make him come to you for a hug!

I know what you mean about not knowing what they are doing. But, you can't let it eat at you. Get yourself occupied with something else. Go see a movie on your own or take S out for some fun.

How can a person be happy lying...to someone who used to mean something to them.

I would wager that he is not happy - about lying or a host of other things. And I would wager that you do mean something to him.

Give him space and time. Find the patience. Stay the course.