Why is rejection from someone so damaged still so hard for me? Why do I keep hoping?
First of all, rejection succks. It just does. No matter who is doing the rejecting. It brings about feelings of inadequacy and unworthyness. It makes us feel badly about ourselves.
But, over time, if we do the work and we build ourselves up, if we see who we are and what we are made of, those feelings begin to go away, or at least they should.
Did I feel rejected? Absolutely. Did it make me feel like crap? Ayep. But I see now that the person doing the rejecting was not someone capable of making that decision based on reality.
The reality is, I am pretty awesome. LOL! The reality is, that your h is in crisis, he is an addict. Not someone who I would trust with accessing my self worth.
I know for me, because he was my h, I felt that my spouse should have unconditional love for me. Except he wasnt ok enough to be able to do that.
So, why do you think it is that the rejection is still so hard for you?
I do not know if you are addicting to him. I have no expertise in that area. No way of knowing for sure. But, I think it is telling that after all this time, you are still saying things to him to cause a reaction. And you are still disappointed when you dont get one.
So, I would say that you are still not detached. The most important thing to me in all this is acceptance of what is right now. And right now your h is not capable of hearing you. He isnt capable of behaving the way that you want him to. Doesnt mean it will always be this way, but, thats what is right now.
I remember my therapist telling me in the beginning of all this that I kept talking to my h, hoping for a different response. Esssentially, though, I needed to think that I was talking to a rock. No matter how many times in how many different ways I tried to get him to hear me, I couldnt. Because I was talking to a rock.
You cannot will someone out of crisis. You cannot pull them or push them along. This is a journey they were meant to go on and it would have happened whether he was with you or someone else or alone.
So, it is best to understand that there isnt anything you can do to make him come through faster. Nothing you can do to make him feel things differently. No amount of worrying or wondering was going to affect the situation. It just isnt.
Thats why letting go is a gift to you and to him. It doesnt mean you dont love him if you do. Doesnt mean you are giving up. It means that you love him enough to want him whole. And you love yourself enough to want you to be, too.
I pasted the points I could identify with below--the others didn't fit--but, there's a lot that did:
Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner. Not sure on this one. In some ways, I let him go too much and trusted too much.
Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go. Hard to say because I've only bonded with one person.
When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy.
When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship. Just with this relationship. Not now.
You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship. Definitely!
Love and relationships are the only things that interest you. No, but it's high on the list.
In some of your relationships you were the only one in love. That was true in high school.
You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship. Not overwhelmed, but I feel a bit lost.
You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company. This isn't true. I like being alone. I just don't like being alone ALL The TIME.
You are terrified of never finding someone to love. Somewhat.
You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship. Somewhat. I feel lost. I've been in a relationship since I was 18.
You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you. No, I've said NO to him. He isn't living here because I said NO. And, I put my foot down when he was being all wishy washy and I sensed he was pulling away again. But, then, I came back and pursued after I did that.
You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value). I think that used to be me. Now, I'm in this situation, partly because I wouldn't be who he wanted me to be. A full-time employee and not homeschooling D11.
When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies. This is partly true. I see what I want to see. I'm better at seeing the truth now and that's what hurts.
You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. MOST DEFINITELY!!!!!!
You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with). YES!!!! Well, hold up, I can deal with the separation--it's the possibility of it being over that does me in.
More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing. Yes, I guess so. In high school.
You love romance. Yes.
You have stayed with an abusive person. Yes.
Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available. That's hard, given the situation.
You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible. Yes, to some extent with H. Not so much with others though.
You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds. Smokey.
When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous. I learned to trust him over time. Go figure. But, I was a mess at the beginning of our marriage.
More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship. This is true. I can see this one.
You have no impulse control when you are in love. yes, the texting thing.
You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with. Yes.
You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person. Well, yeah.
If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away. Here we sit.
Love is the most important thing in the world to you. IDK. Maybe.
Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday. Not really. I have trouble with obsessive thoughts about H.
As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies. This is true.
You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices. IDK.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
It is interesting, I never thought I would fit into the category of love addict. I answered yes on a few of these questions, but a strong no on others. I thought about myself as emotionally dependent, but not a love addict.
Speaking about other aspect of it, I was feeling bored when nothing happened in my sitch for some time. It is like I almost wanted even some bad news, but I could not tolerate the silence. When that happened I was looking for something to stir up the things. Thanks to this site, I never followed up with that.
Oh, yeah, I do dream and imagine the happy endings a lot. And then I fall hard into the despair hall again.
The most important thing I’ve learnt though all these ordeal is patience.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm just trying to gauge if I really am dependent. I mean, it is pretty sad, that I still put something out there like "I miss you" after all this time. WhY?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I answered yes to 11, mostly the once towards the end of the list, like not liking rejection and being jealous (not much possessive though), also liking romance and fantasizing about love and a person, not able to let go also. But I would not tolerate a disrespect and I don’t mind to be alone and even like it sometimes (this helped us to survive the long distance marriage for a long time, since we both traveled for work.)
I’m just wondering, if somebody answers No to all of these questions, does it mean that the person is just not capable of any feelings?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I liked what URWorthy wrote very much. It reminds me of another saying I have dished out to friends in other situations where they were being unfairly judged or rejected.
"Don't ever measure yourself by someone else's broken yardstick."
Our MLCers aren't capable of measuring our true worth, their version of reality is far too broken.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
geez louise, I know I can have that addiction tendancy too...
I think its the nothingness that hurts.
they matter so to us. We do miss them we know what we are supposed to do
So why can't we just let go??
I had a sad day the other day too. then yesterday was better. I plan to be busy today!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
The reason that most people can't let go is "fear". Fear of the unknown, fear of what will happen to them, fear that the spouse will find someone new and might not return, fear of being alone, and fear of never being in another relationship.
Try to remember that all of you are good people who have been hurt terribly. Yes you miss them...but eventually you have to let them go emotionally, physically and mentally. They have work to do and you have to go on living your lives. You can't put your lives on hold waiting for them to come home because there is no guarantee that will happen. Yes, you can have hope, but you need to have faith in yourself and pick yourself up and continue to move forward.
What concerns me is when I read the postings of posters that have been here for a long while and they continue to allow whatever their spouses say/do or their spouses moods affect their well being and how they deal w/day to day life. I know it's difficult to detach, but you have to do it for your own well being. You can't allow what they are doing to bring you down into the dark hole. You are still individuals who are smart, funny, beautiful, strong and independent people who were "individuals" long before you met your spouses. Please let go and live your lives. You have so much to offer the world and if, at some point, your spouse recovers and wants to return and walk the path w/you, so be it. If he/she doesn't, than it's their loss.
Yes, we all were/are addicted to our spouses in the beginning. We waited by the phone, computer or mailbox waiting for some tidbit to be given to us. We all were depressed, anxious or sad when we didn't hear from them and suddenly we get mail! We become so happy that finally he/she is thinking of us once again. Just like the mlcer, we didn't care if the missive was good or bad, just as long as we received something from them indicating that we were still on their minds. After the latest missive, they go back into their little holes and quiet begins again and the cycle starts all over again and we begin to think that maybe we need to contact them and when they don't respond, we become anxious and feel that we still need to do something, anything to get them to respond and so the cycle begins again. Up and down, highs and lows until we get our next missive or visit. Detaching is hard, but we all have to do it for our own well being. I do think that fear plays a huge role in our not detaching...but you have got to have faith in yourselves, your spouses, the relationships you shared, in the man upstairs as well as faith in what has worked here on this forum.
On another note...
Heather, French is a good language. What about Spanish? It appears that Spanish is being used more in the US now because we have a number of Hispanics and others utilizing this language that work here and send money home to their families in other countries. If you call a business and follow the directions, normally they ask you if you want English or another language and the other language is generally Spanish.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
