ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

AAAAW Mudpuddle, it's so true...Hope yesterday was nice for you.

Got the last Belgian waffle iron , the specific model I wanted, ceramic coated...wait for it...it was on sale, HOOT!

Had a difficult time finding a pair of snow boots that were not cheesy looking, made in China nor cheaply constructed. I finally settled on a black hook and eye, lug soled pair. Made well, nice leather a Bavarian hiking style.
I was looking more for an après ski look, I couldn't find them at the outlet.

Got my work out in, and really burned my arms. Today will be buttocks and legs.

I'm going to start the waffles and try to make a ton today. Hopefully they do well..

Oh oh oh, I found some adorable shoes for Swing dancing! They have the late thirties and forties look, solid heels , wing tipped or Mary Jane look. WHAT FUN! Didn't purchase, but nice to know I could .

[job]

Hey, you can't beat a sale! I'm glad you found the waffle iron you wanted and on sale too!

I think you'll like the Bavarian hiking style. They should be warm as well as good for walking on snow and ice. You know, you might want to try some of the online stores and see what they have in the line of the boot you are looking for. They are all offering sales and some of them are free shipping and taxes as well.

From the description of the dancing shoes, they have to be cute would be classy at dance class. I hope you decide to get them later on.

So, how is the waffle business coming?

BTW, we didn't get any ice or snow here yesterday...just rain. This morning the frost looked so pretty on the grass and shrubs. I thought about you and your snowfall this week.

Enjoy. Be careful with that waffle iron...don't burn yourself if you should get in a hurry.

[Ambivalent]

Hey Job,

I can picture the frost on the pastures in Maryland... I used to play at the Tennis Barn and loved the drive. I have been job hunting this morning, followed up on the interviews, and am in contact with someone presently for a cosmetic counter job. UGH!

I really want the field to which I want to enter!

I haven't heard from you know who. Yes , I have to admit I'm feeling a bit antsy. He was hunting every week , now wham, not.

I don't know if he is hunting and just decided not to use the SUV ( avoiding me ), not hunting or something else is going on. Not easy to completely let go...he has been my guy for 33 + years.

It is anxiety provoking.

School is winding down, I have a project to complete, and will go in tomorrow afternoon. This does allow me to pick up a dance class (free) tomorrow eve. I think I will do it, just to get the anxiety under control.

I need a hug, and feel a bit down presently. Trying to shake it off.

Waffles to do.

[Cadet]

I need a hug, and feel a bit down presently. Trying to shake it off.

((((((HUGS))))))

I LOVE HUGS

I am always available for free ones.

[tigerlily78]

I am sending hugs too. *HUGS*

Keep your chin up, slap on a smile. Get your project done and dance, dance, dance.

What do you have to worry about? Today is going to be fine. So is tomorrow. You already know this. Why worry?

[Ambivalent]

Thank you for the virtual, but I meant body contact. I'm cycling down again. Need to cry. Hurting, feeling sexual tension, despair, wanting to be accepted for who I am.

Tremendous sadness, feeling the need for affirmation.

Looked over my documentation of observations. Noticed he has a cycle. Pulls way back when he feels closeness or connection.

Also pulls back when he's busy in replay. Wow, when will this stop ripping my heart out? I hate him today. I hate him for not being who I thought he was.

I hate myself for allowing myself to trust and stay with him, when I could have ended this 12 years ago. I hate myself for not talking to him about what I needed until he could hear me.

I angry because I allowed him to put his friends before me. I'm angry because I didn't tell him that I was not sexually satisfied, and that's one of the reasons I withdrew. That I wanted to enjoy sex with him. I wanted to feel normal and experience a climax with him. I'm sorry I didn't share that and the fact that I was humiliated about it.

I angry because I didn't let him know how I felt when others came before me, and how that brought on feelings of not feeling safe.

I'm angry because I stopped feeling sexually attracted to him and avoided intimacy. And I'm upset that I made the best of the situation, and kept myself busy to avoid telling him how I felt. I felt guilty for telling him once that I couldn't have one with him. I worry if we are irreparable.

I worry that he'll find a sexually responsive, woman with a high paying job and will jump at the opportunity to leave me behind. Those are my fears, anxieties and the cloud that keeps me from moving on.

[Ambivalent]

* I'M...

[Ambivalent]

And this is why I don't put my photo on FB. For I feel shame and sadness .

[Pudmuddle]

Ambiv, I can see you are heading downward again. Please remember to be kind to yourself and remember you have your ups and downs. You can be so hard on yourself when you are down.

Forgive yourself for the things you did. We can't change what happened, we can only move forward. Maybe you have never really felt these feelings, deep, deep down. Let them out, they do no good stuffed inside.

You are so worthy, believe that.

[tigerlily78]

Ambi, I am sorry you are having a down day and your mind is cycling toward all the regrets and guilt. But remember, all those things in your relationship that could have used improving were not "excuse" for what he is doing. You did not cause this. There were other options/choices available. Your H needed to do this because of his own unresolved issues as much as anything else.

You can't pick apart the past and blame yourself. You CAN look at those regrets and take away the lessons. Stop beating yourself up and write some positive affirmations about what you WILL DO DIFFERENTLY in the future for yourself and your relationships... whether that ends up being in a renewed R with your H or someone new. Turn those negatives into POSITIVE goals.

Examples:

"I will express my own sexual needs and desires so my partner can help me fulfill my needs."

"I will accept that all orgasms are good orgasms, and whatever methods I can use to achieve them and types I can get with my partner are to be enjoyed and celebrated."

"I will clue my partner into the types of things I like to hear and the ways I like to be touched and shown affection, so that I DO feel sexy and desirable."

And find yourself an Avatar for Facebook. That bland, blue default woman doesn't do you justice, that I am sure of.

Even if you don't put up a photo we know who you are. Find a symbol that represents your power, your strength, your inner beauty. I'll be watching.

I