Why is rejection from someone so damaged still so hard for me? Why do I keep hoping?
First of all, rejection succks. It just does. No matter who is doing the rejecting. It brings about feelings of inadequacy and unworthyness. It makes us feel badly about ourselves.
But, over time, if we do the work and we build ourselves up, if we see who we are and what we are made of, those feelings begin to go away, or at least they should.
Did I feel rejected? Absolutely. Did it make me feel like crap? Ayep. But I see now that the person doing the rejecting was not someone capable of making that decision based on reality.
The reality is, I am pretty awesome. LOL! The reality is, that your h is in crisis, he is an addict. Not someone who I would trust with accessing my self worth.
I know for me, because he was my h, I felt that my spouse should have unconditional love for me. Except he wasnt ok enough to be able to do that.
So, why do you think it is that the rejection is still so hard for you?
I do not know if you are addicting to him. I have no expertise in that area. No way of knowing for sure. But, I think it is telling that after all this time, you are still saying things to him to cause a reaction. And you are still disappointed when you dont get one.
So, I would say that you are still not detached. The most important thing to me in all this is acceptance of what is right now. And right now your h is not capable of hearing you. He isnt capable of behaving the way that you want him to. Doesnt mean it will always be this way, but, thats what is right now.
I remember my therapist telling me in the beginning of all this that I kept talking to my h, hoping for a different response. Esssentially, though, I needed to think that I was talking to a rock. No matter how many times in how many different ways I tried to get him to hear me, I couldnt. Because I was talking to a rock.
You cannot will someone out of crisis. You cannot pull them or push them along. This is a journey they were meant to go on and it would have happened whether he was with you or someone else or alone.
So, it is best to understand that there isnt anything you can do to make him come through faster. Nothing you can do to make him feel things differently. No amount of worrying or wondering was going to affect the situation. It just isnt.
Thats why letting go is a gift to you and to him. It doesnt mean you dont love him if you do. Doesnt mean you are giving up. It means that you love him enough to want him whole. And you love yourself enough to want you to be, too.
