on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

Thanks for the words of wisdom 3bm. I do tell myself that the boundary is for me. I do tell myself that I can detach whether I am married or divorced and that I might as well do it while I am still married in the event that she changes her tune. I just find it very hard to not have expectations. While we are married, i still expect her to act like it. I still expect that she shouldn't cheat. If we are divorced, I guess she is free to do whatever she wants. I know that this is wrong on so many levels but thats whats going through my head today.

I should re-read my post a page or so back about making rash decisions that I have later regretted. You are absolutely right that I am trying to punish/force consequences and everytime I have done that, its backfired.

[ccZ28]

I just find it very hard to not have expectations. While we are married, i still expect her to act like it. I still expect that she shouldn't cheat.

Dingo,

I think we all feel this way. In any healthy relationship this would be standard. We come together with another person believing that they have our best interests at heart, as we have theirs. Don't feel bad for your belief in what a healthy relationship is or should be.

However, this is no longer a healthy relationship, and at that point we can no longer have expectations. They no longer care about our interests. Everything is about them. You are no longer important.

I know this hurts. Especially when they tell you.. "I don't care if I hurt you, I don't CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE" like my w said to me. It's heartbreaking.

Be Important to yourself. Believe that you are important to others, as you so obviously are. Look at these people here, they are all here to help you.

[dingo]

That's a pretty good way of looking at it CC. Its tough to think that way. My wife has never said she doesn't care about me. In fact she even still says I love you and hugs/kisses me. You want to believe that but its obviously not true. You just don't do the types of things shes been doing (or the things that any of these WASs do) to someone that you love and care about.

[AnotherStander]

D- I think you know it but you're applying a lot of pressure to her. You need to stop the pressure. I think where you're getting derailed is when you let things like the hug and kiss happen and you read expectations into it. Frankly I think you need to implement some tough love with her- skip the hugs and kisses, be unavailable to her most of the time, live your own life and leave her to hers. Let her know through your actions that as long as OM is in the picture, you're done with her. Things like the kissing are her way of keeping you on the hook as plan B in case things don't work out with OM. One thing all affair partners have in common is they lie like a rug, so when she tells you she's thinking about ending it with OM I would believe that about as much as I believe I can cure cancer this afternoon. It is a LIE. So quit being plan B. Make her learn to miss you.

[dingo]

I know I am applying a lot of pressure. I get in these mindsets where I just don't care and want the limbo to end. I want her to chose to maintain her commitment, not just decide its the next best thing. Wishful thinking, I know. Wrong reason for her to come back, I know. But sometimes, that's where my head is.

I know i have received (and even given) more 'go dark' advice than I can shake a stick at and couldn't follow through. I know that the tactic to talk and rehash over and over and over hasn't worked and instead has made the situation worse. I know that focusing on getting her back and not improving myself is failure waiting to happen. I have to resolve again, to take my emotions out of this and act on pure thought alone.

[dingo]

trying really hard to hang in there today. Feel like I am getting beaten down. Was doing really good with limited contact for a few days but now the trust issues and frustration are coming back full force...

[ccZ28]

Try and think about something else.

If you could visit any place in the world, where would it be?

[dxw689]

Wow, just found this thread and decided to post because I am also struggling, like you dingo, and was inspired by ccZ28's words on another thread: in fact, I sent a stupid email to my WAS a short time ago, longing to make a connection - still feeling like the rug of love was pulled right out from under me (BD 6 wks ago, moved out last week) - hang in there and don't beat yourself up for the bad days!

[labug]

So you get beaten down, you're operating on emotion, emotions come and go. Tomorrow you get up and start over again.

When you don't react based on the emotion of the moment, you are truly in control.

You jumped on the the roller coaster the minute she walked in and hugged and kissed you. What would you differently now?

You set the boundary and the boundary is to protect you, not punish W. What is your boundary?

[dingo]

So you get beaten down, you're operating on emotion, emotions come and go. Tomorrow you get up and start over again.

When you don't react based on the emotion of the moment, you are truly in control.

You jumped on the the roller coaster the minute she walked in and hugged and kissed you. What would you differently now?

You set the boundary and the boundary is to protect you, not punish W. What is your boundary?

I did jump right back on. The next time I will not hug or kiss or better yet, not even see her. I have not spoken with her all day so there's one day under my belt.

My boundary is limited/no contact until OM is out of the picture - our of her head as well as out of her life. No contact until she is ready to commit wholeheartedly to the marriage. In the meantime, I will use the space to get her out of my head.

She said she needs to remove herself from the situation to get some clarity on it. I will try again to honor that request and let her do with the time what she needs to . In the meantime, I get my head right so I can resist the urges to act on emotion. Reset the clock and start again.