What I meant to say, quite poorly, is I cannot let go because if I do, for me, it would mean not staying in this country and not keeping the door open. If I let go, I would leave. I would leave the country. And for me, that would mean starting anew. Closing the door. Leaving H in the past with everything else. And I cannot do that because I cannot do that for what I believe in my core. I WANT my kids to be raised by their father. I want my kids to have their family together. I believe in H-even through I struggle at times to do so. I am still thinking its all or nothing, and at my core I feel that there is no other way to give my kids what they need and deserve.
H being 20 percent in and 80 percent out...it's not working well for us...for my my kids or me. Things may be changing slowly, maybe, and they may not be. I believe, in spite of what H is going through, with OW present, we cannot know.
I am not making any decisions right NOW. its not the time. I guess thats why I am still here. Because the next step I would make for me, is not staying here and not keeping the door open. But that wouldnt be authentic for me right now. I want to keep my faith.I want to keep digging deep. I want to keep learning and growing. I want to trust.
I cannot let go of H and my kids' relationship. I cannot let go of the family they yearn for. So..I am still standing right now. I am still digging to keep going.
Busting, this is beautiful. Your H is so lucky to have you. You put into words how I feel today. This is what I've been wrestling with the past two months and more. You put it into words for me. Thank you.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
