Julie, this sounds awful and I am sorry your H is being like this. As far as the controlling part goes, I don't think that you have to sign up for his brand of crazy. I am guessing that you know very well at this point what controlling behavior is and what it isn't. So just do your best based on what you think is reasonable. That said, I would suggest nothing to him. Ever. My DB coach told me to do the same. For example, we have tickets to a sporting event coming up next weekend. My coach told me not to suggest what we do with them or whether he is going or I am going or we are going together, but just make it more like a PSA: "by the way, we have tickets to the (team) game on Sunday." And let him lead the discussion. Not sure if that helps you or not - your H seems to be looking for things to be mad about and I wonder if that has to do with his guilt over the OW. (Oops, mind reading. Sorry.)
Yes, use DBing for you. I haven't quite figured out how to detach yet, but I think that I am verrrryyy slowly becoming more detached, so I think maybe it just takes time. I imagine your H being mean and rude to you might speed up the process a bit, though.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hey Julie, thinking about you. I agree with labug, what would happen if he found out?
Do you feel better after attending the meetings? Is it worth the risk for you?
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I didn't necessarily feel better but I could see the possibility of feeling better. I am planning on going tonight. I will mention my concerns.
I really don't know what would happen if he knew. He couldn't get any more done with M. I have been working so hard to avoid his hostility I don't want to invite it. I am DBing for me and kids.
I am going to say 2 very undetached and unevolved things that I just want to get out of my head.
1. Now that my head has cleared I look back and see how much I have changed and lost myself. Yes he is doing the WAS/addict script where EVERYTHING is my fault. I will own quite a bit of bad. I am lazy and don't like housework. I can complain too mych. I created a life that revolved around raising a special child and shut a lot out including H. However I also think a lot of who I became was a result of not knowing how to deal with H. I took the bait everytime he wanted a fight. I felt like I was living with a child and became controlling. So it makes me so mad that those are the top two complaints and that after I put up with HE decides he found something bettet and is leaving ME.
2. Sometimes I wonder if maybe H isn't really an alcoholic and I have exaggerated things so I can have an excuse for those things I don't like about myself.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I really get your #2. I could have said exactly the same:
2. Sometimes I wonder if maybe H isn't really VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME and I have exaggerated things so I can have an excuse for those things I don't like about myself.
When you don't trust your judgment, run some things by objective people. If they think your H is an alcoholic, you're probably not exaggerating.
Whether or not your H is really an alcoholic, you still need to deal with the things you don't like about yourself.
Always pay close attention to bug; she's very wise.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
