Cadet, my apologies. Yes, it has been misunderstood. What I meant to say, quite poorly, is I cannot let go because if I do, for me, it would mean not staying in this country and not keeping the door open. If I let go, I would leave. I would leave the country. And for me, that would mean starting anew. Closing the door. Leaving H in the past with everything else. And I cannot do that because I cannot do that for what I believe in my core. I WANT my kids to be raised by their father. I want my kids to have their family together. I believe in H-even through I struggle at times to do so. I am still thinking its all or nothing, and at my core I feel that there is no other way to give my kids what they need and deserve.
H being 20 percent in and 80 percent out...it's not working well for us...for my my kids or me. Things may be changing slowly, maybe, and they may not be. I believe, in spite of what H is going through, with OW present, we cannot know.
I am not making any decisions right NOW. its not the time. I guess thats why I am still here. Because the next step I would make for me, is not staying here and not keeping the door open. But that wouldnt be authentic for me right now. I want to keep my faith.I want to keep digging deep. I want to keep learning and growing. I want to trust.
I cannot let go of H and my kids' relationship. I cannot let go of the family they yearn for. So..I am still standing right now. I am still digging to keep going.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
