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SM34 #2413374 12/11/13 04:54 AM
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Change the locks before she gets back and mail her stuff to OM' s house


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
#2413411 12/11/13 01:33 PM
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I know how you are feeling SM. Keep your head up, and make today a better day than yesterday.


M28 W27
D3
M 2years
Bomb 9/23/2013
Separated 11/17/2013
EA/PA Confirmed 12/5/13

Expecting Compliance is Control
What would you do, if you weren't Afraid?

#2413412 12/11/13 01:37 PM
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Its not an open marriage, because there is no sharing of intimacy, which is the definition of open marriage. We are separated, but sharing living space.

I can't legally change the locks on the house. Her name is on the Deed and I'd need a court order to do that.

What I said about my daughter is that I did not ever want her to surprise her husband that there is someone else. When you exchange vows with someone, they deserve your loyalty and if you can't provide that you should say so. To allow yourself to talk to a member of the opposite sex and share intimate details of your life is like playing with fire.

My D3 doesn't understand what is going on, and I have some more time before she does. And I'm hoping we can resolve this before that time comes. I understand what you say about leading by example, believe me I do because here I an living by my parents example and doing my very best to try to keep this family together.

So honestly the comments about being hypocritical etc while I see what you mean in terms of my philosophy in life, it does not take into account the actual situation I am in. Its like perhaps ruining your chance to save your marriage so that your new born can learn a lesson. Doesnt make sense really. My daughter is not learning anything negative, yet.

Gabbysmom I want to show her a consequence. How cn I do that with smaller things in our daily life? That's kind of where I am now. Waiting to see how D3 responds to her new program and trying to keep her life as stable as possible for now. But at the same time I would like to have W feel some loss. Is that possible?

It may be time to consult with my DB coach and see what she recommends.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34 #2413438 12/11/13 02:39 PM
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You don't seem to be living as a separated person, you are still emotionally attached to your wife. You're looking to interpret all your interactions as positive or negative and reading meaning into them.

You CAN change the locks, you just go to the hardware store and do it. If she wants to raise a complaint with the authorities, let her do it.

You are constructing your own prison with your rationalizing about what you can't do.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2413567 12/11/13 07:26 PM
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I can see how it would look like I'm evaluating moves. Isnt that because that's why I come here? I mean, I come here to post about my sitch only, so it ends up looking like that's all I think about.

But even when I post something that I'm doing for myself, such as working on my energy level, ut seems to be missed by everyone who follows up.

I'm not sure how to fix this. I'd really like to be here because it gives me a sense of comraderie. The people I have met here have been my support. The difficult part is that I can't seem to get dialogue going the way other threads I read. One person says I'm 'still the same' and then no matter what I post about, the follo are always the same topic.

I have really tried to cane this dynamic. I'm not one fo chit chat on my thread because to me the purpose s to get help with what we come here to do. Save ourselves and hopefully our marriages smile

Some updates about me:

I woke up today and dropped daughter at her new school. Came home and put some shoes on and went for a run.

It was hard to overcome the tiredness but I pushed thru!!

Felt really good afterwards. Will try do that mor often.

Starting to wonder if I have chronic fatigue? frown


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34 #2413570 12/11/13 07:31 PM
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Acc, stay with me man. I read every single post you write on this board. The other day I read all your posts all the way back to 2011! Great stuff, full of knowledge.

Ill cut W out of my posts and maybe I can get help from you all on my personal stuff.

I'm looking for a book on leadership/respect from others. Any suggestions? I feel like I could stand to work on that.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34 #2413577 12/11/13 07:46 PM
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So to recap, issues I'd like to work on

1) energy level
2) leadership skills (mostly for work)


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34 #2413579 12/11/13 07:49 PM
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What did she tell you when she left? what did you tell her? Did she just say 'hey I'm going to visit OM for a couple of days, see you when I get back' in a happy way and you were fine with it, or did she act entitled.

What were your interactions prior to that?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2413744 12/12/13 01:25 AM
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She said 'do you think its ok if I go to <city name because she never says his name> today? If D3 new shedule is too much for you for two days I can come up with something else....

I told her no I can take care of D3. I have before and I can now. And..I need to get used to doing it on my own and what better time than now..

Response: ok. Whatever that means.

I left it there. I wanted to imply that eventually D3 would be living here with me on our own.

So one night there instead of two, and she messages me saying she will pick up D3 because she is back in town.

I said oh D3 s going to be so happy to see you because she's been asking about you.

She said yes, mommy is an idiot.

I didn't ask what that's about. So three weeks without OM and then two day trip cut in half abruptly. And I know its not because he had to work because he works mornings so she definitely skipped tonight evening time.

Back home now. Messaging like crazy on her phone and seeming agitated.

I'm going out to GAL smile. Let her stew in her own crap situation.

When I got home I told her since you are back, I can accept the invite with some friends.

Who? She asked. Oh just some new people i met.

She usually is very supportive of me going out, probably to relieve guilt (could be mind reading). But today she didn't respond with the usual oh ok have fun and don't worry about what time it is..stay out as long as you want and ill get D3 to school tomorrow.

I want to say its rocky on the affair front...but I don't want to be mind reading...nor getting my hopes up. I've done that before and it didn't go well. So going out tonight. Its not my business whats happening to her at this point.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34 #2413749 12/12/13 01:37 AM
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Prior to the announcement of the visit our interactions were very good. We had that sentimental moment at D3 school.

Did I handle it ok? Not sure if I should have not been ok with her going. I mean, I'm no okay with it of course, but I'm treating her like our marriage is over. Since it is.

Not an open marriage situatuon. I'm shooting for roommates kind of vibe. I want her to worry in times like this when things are not smooth for her.

Mrbond do you have any advice or critique? I think I did well enough right?

Going out soon. Should be fun. Going to hang with some friends at a pool hall.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
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