I guess I am just kind of journaling to try to get an understanding of me feelings these last few days -- that said, I can't seem to shake the unpleasant anxious feeling in my stomach and chest. It's really odd because just a week ago I was feeling super confident and positive -- not sure where that guy went! If I try to dig into why I am feeling this way I am finding that it *may* center around interactions and interacting with XW. I think part of me wants them to be positive and encouraging - but recently she seems to be very cold and business-like for the most part. It seems like quite a notable shift. And with the onset of the holidays I think there is part of me that is just anxious because I deeply want (still) for us to be able to do things as a family with our S....and to that end, I feel like when he is away from me I am missing out on how he is experiencing the holidays. When I think about what I am missing with him I feel that anxious knot in my stomach tighten. I suppose "missing out on parts of my son's life" has been a constant, hard-to-deal-with theme for me since this akk began....holidays just shine a bright spot on it. Please don't think I am falling apart - I'm not. I think I am just feeling more these last few weeks. Trying to get my arms and brain around it.
