Sinking into a dark place

[melissag]

AT, I agree with the others about your W not respecting you. Telling you things like, "get over it" are just proof of that. She either doesn't understand or doesn't care that you are drowning in this M. Continuing to complain to her, accept a M that is miserable for you, jump through every hoop she sets up for you, and feel crappy about yourself for it . . . none of those things are helping you, and they are making her disrespect you more. I remember almost wishing that I would suspect my H was having an A, because that might make me be more interested in him. (No judgment here, please, just trying to help the OP.)

The big thing that sticks out to me (remember, I have been your W before) is that there needs to be a BIG change in your M. I mean big. Not, I used mouthwash this morning. But something that really makes your W rethink things or see you in a different view. It is obvious to me that nothing you have done in the past has done any good whatsoever. You need to acknowledge that, first of all. Then you need to do something different. (And you don't TELL HER you are doing something different, or why, you just do it.)

Here on this board we always talk about GAL . . . it will make you feel better, and perhaps will have the added benefit of making your W more interested in you. Go to the gym WITHOUT YOUR W. Make friends there. Go have drinks with them. Get in touch with old friends, new friends, whatever. Visit them. What are your hobbies? Go do them. Find new hobbies. Do new types of exercise. Go on a trip without your W for a few days. Have your own life that doesn't revolve around your W and her wishes (real or perceived). I am not saying be a jerk, but, to be blunt, quit being so whipped. Have some self respect. If you GAL, you will have a lot more self respect, self confidence, and happiness from within.

I can tell you from experience, that the WORST kind of pressure is when you know that your H is completely dependent on you for his happiness. My H would tell me how unhappy he was bc of the lack of sex, and the way he made it sound was kind of like how you are making it sound. It came across to me as kind of pathetic. Like, he had no self worth without me wanting to have sex with him, and he couldn't possibly be happy if I didn't make him happy. This put a HUGE burden on me, and I refused to take it. I thought, "well, what if someday I have cancer, and I am too sick to have sex? Or I am paralyzed in an accident? Is he going to leave me because I will be good for nothing then?"

You cannot allow sex with your wife to be the basis of your happiness or self worth.

I am not saying that any of my thoughts that I am sharing with you here were good thoughts or even remotely acceptable in a M. I am not defending your W in any way. In fact, I wish I could smack her upside the head, because that's what I wish someone had done to me, before my H did it. I am just trying to help you understand how she may be thinking. Right or wrong, it is what it is, and reality is what you have to deal with.

Right now you are in a very stuck place. And she is obviously not going to get you unstuck. So instead of looking to her to solve the problem (which will only backfire because it will put more pressure on her), YOU need to take steps to make changes in your M. And that starts with changes in you.