Dingo, It's ok to tell her you need more time, that you need more time to work on yourself.
I agree that she needs more time, but be careful in how you choose your wording.
Please don't stop looking into your issues that need addressed, you both need to fix things with yourselves before things can work between you, that I promise.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Yes, you need to take things VERY slow right now. She is flip flopping because she is scared. Are you ready anyway? My guess is you're still working on you and getting in touch with your stuff.
I agree with your thought that if she 100% drops OM then take it as a dating type thing. Move it along slow. Get to know each other again. Show her the new you and see if you like the current her.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Well - backslide is the name of the game the past 2 days.
She came by the house on Monday to get a few more things. She greeted me with a big hug and a kiss that lingered for a few seconds, was positive, hopeful, and loving, and seemed really happy to see me. We had a good talk about things and she said she had really started to miss me over the past few days of limited contact. I should have left it at that but I didn't....
Earlier in the day she had told me she was seriously considering ending the affair so I asked her if she was still thinking along those lines. She said she was going to try which is her usual cop-out answer of 'I am committed as long as its convenient for me to be.' As usual, I was not satisfied with it and asked her if she was going to do or going to try. She got a little irritated and so I dropped the conversation. I should have left the situation/house then but I didnt....
I putzed around the house with her until she finished and as she was leaving, I asked her what we were doing. Her answer 'We love each other so lets just trust in that.' I asked her what that meant and her patience snapped. She got very angry and accused me of trying to control her and control the situation. She is going to see the lawyer tomorrow and said she was going to sign everything and just end all this nonsense. Of course, I had to try to talk her down. She calmed down and left.
She called a few minutes later and told me that we were doing really great until tonight. I told her that she might think we're doing great but she keeps cheating on me and so as far as I am concerned, "we" aren't doing really great.
So anyhow, I don't want to replay every single conversation but there were a bunch over the past few days. Some she is ready to get a D and I talk her down, some I am ready to get a D and she talks me down. What's eating me up in this is that I feel like she thinks me giving her space = permission to see OM and cake eat. When I try to stay away, she plays on my hopes and [censored] me back in. I know this is my fault for letting her but I still feel manipulated.
So we are back to where we were before the weekend started. No contact with OM (yeah right) and no contact between her and I. Hopefully I learned my lesson about her saying positive things to try to suck me back in and the next time it happens, I can resist. I was really doing a lot better until all this happened. Now its back to letting go again.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Hi Dingo - I am sorry to hear that the past two days were hard. I think that your W say your good changes and the fact that you were letting go and panicked. Your W is confused and does not want you to move on before she decides what the heck she wants. My H is doing the exact same things. He told me point blank that he sees me moving on and letting go and he is not ready for that to happen. My H wants me to be there when he needs me, but of course it does not run both ways.
Although it is almost impossible to get pulled back in, really try and resist. If she says that she misses you and she cares or is scared, just validate and say that you know that it must be hard. But don't push or ask questions. You want to look strong and happy no matter whether she is happy or sad or confused. I feel like each interaction or backslide I may have, the stronger I am after the fact. Just learn from this past few days, keep letting go and things will get better. Let her ride the roller coaster alone.
Thanks for the support 3bm. I felt like I did so well initially. She was talking about how she wished she rented a month to month place but thought that it wouldn't be a problem to get out of the lease if she wanted to move back in. I told her that I thought she needed to stay in the apartment for a while because we both needed space to figure things out.
Its just the damn OM that keeps boiling my blood. He is literally the only thing we fight about. I don't pressure her to work on our M or to move back in or to hang out with me. Its all just about stopping the affair. I should know by now that I can't control that but I just don't know how to feel like I am enforcing the boundary and that she has consequences.
I am trying really hard to get off the rollercoaster and I definitely do think this was a hard-learned lesson. I won't make this mistake again.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
D - I totally understand the having trouble enforcing the boundary. H keeps saying that he wants to hang out with me, or go to a movie, or just be normal. I would love to do all of those things if OW was not in the picture. But I feel like I cannot let myself be vulnerable with H if she is still in the picture. I don't want to have to wonder if H called her first and then me or if H is texting OW when he is hanging out with me. I dealt with that for over a year before BD and I don't want to go there again. I was miserable. This would be SOOOOO much easier if there was no A.
Dingo, you did exactly what we were talking about in an earlier thread (I think it was Fartiltre's) . . . your W offered you her finger, and you ate her arm off.
I know it is sooooo easy to do!! But you have to remember that nothing is going to change overnight like that - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is? Remember PATIENCE and remember the feeding the squirrel analogy. And just because you see her making steps back toward you, do NOT drop your DBing!!
I know you are super disappointed about the events of the past few days, and I am sorry that you are in this place now. But don't take it as defeat. Dust yourself off, and start over. Look at the positives. Your W obviously is conflicted (which is far better than done), and she still has feelings for you. This is good stuff. Just let her come back to you next time and listen when people tell you to take it slooooowwwllly. And whatever you do, do NOT REACT on emotion!!
(I know, easier said than done, but you have done a great job so far, I know you can do it!)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Absolutely - all of those things you said apply to me too, especially the texting part.
The consequences of continuing the affair are no relationship with me but when she wants space and hence no relationship/contact with me anyway, there is no real consequence so she gets exactly what she wants on both ends.
I am in a bad place today. Again thinking that I want to push the D and if she lets it through, so be it. Put all the money on the table and roll the dice for better or for worse...
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
D, I still think you are using D as a way to control and/or punish your W. And I can almost guarantee it will backfire. I totally get it that the uncertainty $ucks. I mean, it really, really does. But then I remind myself that if I push my H right now to decide things one way or the other, I am not going to get the answer I want. He is not ready to recommit to our M, so at this point I just have to be thankful that he is not pushing forward with D.
Which is more important to you, to satisfy your need for immediate answers, or to save your M?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
D- She clearly wants a relationship with you on some level or else she would not be trying to talk to you and/or say that she is confirmed. So there are consequences. Plus, this really is not about punishing her. It is about protecting yourself. Stop worrying about how your wife will respond to the boundary. Do you need the boundary? Yes, you do because you are getting hurt my her actions. So, you enforce the boundary. She is in control of how she responds. You cant feel bad for her reactions to your boundaries.
I know that my H hates the boundary. He sees our kids less and he is not getting the "best of both worlds." He cant take the kids to an event that he wants to because OW will be there and he has chosen to at least respect my request that he not go. My initial reaction is to feel bad for my H and to want to fix that. But H made his choices to start an A and will have to live with the consequences of his choices. Regardless of H's reactions, I need the boundary for me. Keep your focus on your needs.
There are days that I just want to say that I am done. But then I realize that this pain is not going to go away after the D. It is still going to be there. So why push for something that you don't want. You can continue on YOUR journey, regardless of whether you are married or divorced. Keep working on you and let go of the outcome.
