Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Heather, Ang, kp.


The niceties and the distance:
It was very nice last night. Went to dinner at an asian place. H didn't sit on the same side of the booth with me like he would have normally. "normally"...heh. He walked in front of me up to the restaurant, he would have normally been beside me. He didn't hold the door open but walked in, in front of me. He toasted my birthday. He had a sapporo (beer) which came in a huge bottle and it made him more talkative and he actually laughed and smiled. Hadn't seen that in a while. My fortune cookie said 'To love and be loved is like the warmth of many suns'. I let H read it to see if he would get a clue, nope!

He made the effort to buy a cake. It was Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting and must have weighed 10 pounds! It was THICK with frosting, Lordy. He did get me a card, it was funny with no lovey-doveys and just signed his name. He did get me a gift card to my favorite spa up the street. He let me hug him and thank him for the card and gift.

After S went upstairs, I looked at H and said 'H...(waiting til he looked at me in the eyes, which he did) I want to really, really thank you for the effort that you put into my birthday'. He said 'Well it IS your birthday'. I said 'I know, you didn't have to but you did and that means a lot to me' I started gently weeping. I am such a cryer in my old age, sheesh. I walked over to where he was sitting and I kind of grabbed his head in an arm hug. I also whispered 'I miss you'. Pursuing thing, but I do feel in my sitch he needs to feel that from me. I was often too distant before BD.

Then we watched TV for a bit. Finally both of us were starting to doze off, probably from food coma, and he said 'K, I'm heading to bed'. I said 'Ok, me too, but I get a REAL hug for my birthday', laughing while I said it. I stood up and spread my arms out like come and get it . He walked over and hugged me for a few minutes, nice close body hug.

Also, to note, I have seen no evidence of him texting anyone, not even on the bills. He also spends 99% of his time at home.

His treatment of me has been better and I am getting way more than most people on here and for that I am grateful. But I am still very confused. The last time we went through this, we still seemed to have the physical connection. We had sex occasionally before. He would kiss and hug with warmth before and now he avoids the head area at any cost. Even when he and I hugged he made sure his face was out of the way. Not that I tried to kiss him, but it felt odd. It felt like he was going through the motions and it felt...empty inside. That scares me. Maybe it is really different this time.

I just need to remember that he is hurting. For him to remove himself from the kissing(and sex) is huge. He has told me he loves kissing because it makes him feel desired and connected emotionally. So it hurts to see that display, or lack of display, from him. He must really be hurting badly inside, emotionally, to let the physical stuff drop. I really think he has no idea how to recover from this. And I don't even know if he wants to. I feel like he is going through the motions. So confusing when I see effort but yet no warmth. This damages my self-esteem.

How do I begin to regain emotional connection? He seems receptive, so I feel like I should try things to see if we can build on that. I guess I can always try and then back off if it doesn't work.

Please don't get me wrong, it sounds ungrateful but I am not, just confused as heck this time, to make big effort to do things for me, but yet stay removed. I know this is more from him than I would have seen post-BD. And he doesn't remember a lot of the things he did back then. He seems to be in a state of clarity but I get no feelings talk, at all. Not even a where are we at.

Rambling thoughts. So conflicted. UGH. I feel like the tragedy and comedy masks. I swear this is going to split my personality in two! Hurts the head.