Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

So today's update. Yesterday H "committed" to talking to me for a few minutes today about my therapy session (he was too busy)... then he elected not to come home for lunch, to come home later than he normally does, and then sat in the car in the driveway for about 10 minutes before coming in the door. (Stalling much?)

Finally he comes in. I let him go upstairs and get undressed, he calls down the stairs to remind me he probably won't eat dinner here, he is going to skate. I call up and remind him that we were supposed to talk for a few minutes about some things my therapist mentioned.

He comes down stairs. I say that most of my therapy session focused on me and things I need to work through, but my therapist did mention that she thought for son's sake that she would really like to see H consider doing his own counseling. That her perception was that we were both too willing to just "wait and see" and that therapy might be a useful tool to help guide H toward a resolution more quickly... that the uncertainty and the confused nature of our living arrangement seemed stressful for everyone, and persistent stress like that in the home environment could be harmful to son if it wears on for a long time.

He gets defensive and says he doesn't think my therapist can possibly know what he is doing and what his plans are and what actions he is taking... and that she is only getting my perspective, so she can't see both sides of it. I agreed, that it was true, and that I feel like I am very in the dark about what he is doing and what plans he has and what he thinks will be the "timeline" for making some kind of decision... so it's true that I can only tell the therapist what I know and perceive about the situation. H says he thinks I misrepresent some things and that's not fair. I said it is possible, but again, I can only work with what I know and perceive to be happening and I only talk about things that seem relevant in the flow of the conversation.

All I know is that my therapist thinks there should be some sense of a "deadline" to make a commitment one way or the other and I don't know if he is thinking in that way about it or not and that she thinks therapy could be a good tool for him too. He says he has a timeline in mind, but he thinks it will take him "months to be able to decide anything." I say, okay, so months... that is information I didn't have before. See? I can only guess at what you are thinking unless you tell me, and most of the time you don't want to tell me this kind of stuff.

H says it sounds like therapy is a "two against one situation already"... that he doesn't see how it would help him to be in therapy.

I said it may seem that way because her goal is to help ME work through MY problems and MY feelings and MY issues. And that in a way, he is really a side issue from her perspective... so maybe he does get short thrift in the conversation. The focus is on me and what I can do to improve myself and my future ability to protect myself and cope with things. And I pointed out that if he went to his own individual counseling, then the situation would be focused on HIM... and then HE would be the one steering the conversation with HIS perceptions and thoughts on things.

Later on we had a bit of a msg exchange. At one point he said we would talk about something another time, but not now. I replied, "another time... like in a few months?" It was meant to be a joke, but he didn't take it that way. He said it was negative and rude. I pointed out I meant it was a joke.

He wanted to end the discussion, I added a couple more lines to clarify how I was seeing the discussion and that I don't agree with his assertions that I am a negative person and left it at that.

I knocked on his door when I was about to make dinner to let him know what I was making and that it would be done in 30 minutes... that he could decide whether he wanted to eat here or not. He decided he would like to eat what I was making. Then he got ready and left to skate. I didn't expect I would see him again tonight. Son and I made plans to bake chocolate chip cookies after he left.

H came home for awhile after skating. He came home to "check on some work stuff"... I sympathized for him that he was having "one of those weeks where work stuff is still going on at 8pm on a weeknight." He explained a little more about what was going on with work then went to his den for awhile. Then he spent some time sitting on the floor petting the cat that loves him most and watching son play a video game. We talked a little about Christmas gift ideas and getting a tree (he proposed just going to Home Depot and getting one wrapped in netting for $20). I mentioned that those can be kind of a gamble sometimes, you don't know if you are getting a good one until you open it up. He said that was part of the fun of it. I said that might be true, but son and I kind of enjoy the process of going to the nursery and drinking hot apple cider and picking one out. H said he didn't want to spend $70 on a tree this year. I said we only got a $70 tree once, and I think he was in on that decision... that the ones we usually get are $30 - 40 I think. He said that was more reasonable. H took a shower and changed and then ate cookies and milk before he left. I did get a hug before he left, he squeezed me tight and it felt nice.