Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[labug]

Why would you be sad if he wasn't here by Christmas? You could still spend time together, right?

Don't let emotion rule, this is too important.

H and I just had a discussion last night about timing and we both agreed we don't have another one of these "episodes" in us.

[chasingpavements]

I don't know how to explain how I feel.. I am a very emotional person. It doesn't take much for me to get upset. The little everyday things I notice make me sad sometimes, like when I notice his empty closet and when I notice his car is parked on the road because he will be leaving to go to his brother's. In the morning I wake up and feel sad that he is not next to me. That kind of thing I guess.

Labug, you are right to not let emotion rule. In fact, one of the important things H's counselor told him right off the bat was that we shouldn't be making decisions at times when we are feeling strong emotions. That makes sense.

Ambiv, I like your idea! For sure I would like him to stay over for a few nights, it would help me feel better, more secure, and happy. Christmas Eve is my favourite day of the year, it always has been, I just love everything about it. It's even better now with 3 little ones that I can share my excitement with!!

When we first met we would go out for a few nights in a row then take a few days off. We were never inseparable, lol. Similar to what we are doing now, I guess! And lately it feels the same as back when we were dating!

Our first Christmas together I got him a nice watch as a present.. and he got me a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey,when I was a Detroit fan at the time!! haha. I was not impressed! It was funny Perhaps through our dating we can bring back some of the carefree dynamic we used to have.

[chasingpavements]

I think another part of it that I have been hit with so many BD's that it's almost as though I am worried about the next one coming..

[paul19510]

Hi Chase, I have a couple of questions. today starts week 2 of my separation. W moved to her mom's on 12/5. She barely answers txt or email (only contacting about essentials i.e. kids, home, work). she stopped coming into the house for any reason within the past week. She waits in the driveway for the kids with the truck running. did you find early on that things got very quiet? Was he telling others he was "done"?

starting to think my sitch won't go so good. but yours gives me some hope.

thanks!

[chasingpavements]

Hi Paul,

Just got your message now, I am on a new thread now as this one is almost finished. When we separated my H did the same thing. He was never much of a talker anyway so it didn't really feel much different for me.

We communicated mostly through brief text messages or brief phone calls, mostly about arranging to pick up the kids. I tried to keep up my PMA when he was around and just keep things light.

It was more me that limited our interactions. I felt the need to be far from him to give myself closure I guess. I seemed to be the one to act that way, to limit our interactions. I didn't want him coming around the house without calling first. I also felt uneasy about everything and I didn't want to see him.

He wasn't telling people that he was done. He was mostly keeping quiet about it all. I urged him to tell people because it felt strange to me that no one knew. Looking back now I wished we wouldn't have told people right away.

To me it sounds like your wife needs some space. I would just give her the space she needs for the time being. Keep up your PMA and keep focusing on yourself and your children.


-cp

[paul19510]

I'm giving space. Essential contacts only at this time. I try to limit anything to 1X per day or less if possible. I just smile and wave if we do pass each other in the driveway when she's picking up or dropping off. Or if our cars pass on the street when I'm leaving and she's arriving. I stopped by her barn to pick up some tools I'd left behind. She was there doing chores this morning. She smiled big and said hi. I played along. Not sure why she seemed almost happy to see me and I didn't want to react too much. I got what I needed, wished her a good day and kept on going. I have told people because it was awkward not to. they kept asking normal questions about so how's the wife and her horses etc. No one is surprised. I ran the house and most of the kids stuff like a single parent when she was here. nothing changed.

Feelings pass in waves, between sorrow, anger, hopelessness and hope for a brighter future. Each of those things wash over me within a day.

worst time is between 330 and 530 AM. there's nowhere to go to escape the thoughts If I can't sleep. I don't want the wman that just left. I want to build a new life. I guess that what she must also consider. I pretty much told her, the marriage we had is dysfunctional. if we survive, it will have to be rebuilt right.

I have always pursued and she's always distanced. Its almost like she's daring me to fall into that again when I see her. Because I am not falling into more of the same, I don't think she know how to react to me. A WAS did say to me that she really disliked her H during this period of time. there was nothing he could have done or said that would have changed that in her mind She recommended I continue to disappear until that feeling passes (if ever).

[chasingpavements]

I remember feeling the say way as you when I separated. I just felt it was easier to tell people, rather than making up some excuse. Just be careful though. You may not want to tell too many people, that way you are leaving the door open for reconciliation. It makes it a lot easier if things were to change down the road.

I find I still have all sorts of feelings wash over me from day to day, my emotions are all over the place. I used to find it hard to sleep as well, as I would constantly think about him and analyze everything. It got easier for me as time went on. It's a strange feeling after you have been used to being with someone for so long.

I was the pursuer as well. With DB'ing the first thing they tell you is to stop the chase and pursuing. Hard for people like us that want to be in control and initiate things. For now it's best to just take the back seat for a while. Your friend is probably right, just give your wife the space for now. It doesn't mean that things won't ever change in the future, but right now it's for the best.