MLC or not - know your rights, protect yourself

[Whiterose]

Oh GM I'm so sorry. I hope you're ok. Take a deep breath

[25yearsmlc]

golf mom,
A very wise posting. So many come here hurt and disillusioned, but do not want to hear the advice that we provide, i.e., protect your assets, do your homework, etc. Unfortunately, many of the posters do not realize that their spouses can't be trusted until later on as the separation/divorce begin to take place w/the negotiations, etc.

I'm sorry that you have had to go through this mess, but I'm happy that you kept all of your documents and found the divorce decree from his first marriage. Sometimes, those little "finds" will open our eyes just a bit more and make us wonder about the addictions, etc.

I do hope that the readers will read this particular thread and realize that as soon as they get the BD, they need to start focusing on their finances and assets because the MLCers will spend every cent they can get their hands on, i.e., no matter that their spouses and children need in the way of support.

I would only like to add that despite the hundreds of times I've told newbies to get their business hats on for the "business" of divorce, especially with kids, they still prefer talking about their MLCer h...notice, even here, in Golf Mom's position, she is here warning people about the law, but she still calls her h an MLCer...whereas from what I am reading,

his gambling debts preceeded the marriage..she knew of his secret life for a long time, so his behavior was a pattern and so the "MLC" was more like the culmination of a lifetime of misguided quickfixes and ways for him to avoid the reality of his life. Nothing very "sudden", really...yet GM seemed truly stunned.

I say forget the label of MLC (does not change the LBS course of action but wastes a ton of time focussing on the WAS and Not on the changes the LBS can make in THEIR lives, which is where their focus should be, exclusively)

or "whether to get a L" b/c it never ever hurts to gain knowledge...no one said you MUST File if you see or talk to a L...just get empowered with real facts. (Not to say go blab to your spouse that you "saw a L!" b/c the info is for YOU, not them...)

The fears people have of divorce law are often based only on FEAR, and NOT reality.

GM, I'm always mortified to hear such terrible attorney stories. On behalf of my profession I apologize.

Sometimes I know the clients just don't hear what their lawyers say (or the vets here)...and sometimes they hide things from their lawyers, or even themselves...or the lawyers think the clients are mistaken, or worse, the claims are not provable (very frustrating to believe a client, but know that you cannot prove a thing but it may cost a fortune to get that non answer...)


You sound very strong and more balanced these days. How are you and the boys doing? How is your father doing? I admire you for the way that you have handled yourself in your situation. Your advice about taking care of you, your family and your assets/finances is very spot on.

Thank you for posting this information.

[bustingout]

I am sorry to hear that GM. Have you been given any reason...?

[job]

GM,
Sorry to hear this news. What was the rationale behind not signing it?

[golf mom]

25, some of us come to these board shattered and broken, myself included. While it's true that I first thought my xh was in a MLC I now know that a lot more contributed to his breakdown which just happened to be at midlife. It took many months of counseling and recovery to understand the insidious abuse I suffered for over two decades. And, yes 25, it did seem sudden. You clearly have never suffered psychology abuse or are well versed in it or you wouldn't have been so cruel.

MLC is a generic term to me now. I don't understand why you thought it was necessary to come to my thread, write about me as if I wasn't participating, and show other posters where you feel I continue to be delusional. What was your point?

[wishing, hoping]

(((GM)))

You are in my prayers.

WH

[25yearsmlc]

25, some of us come to these board shattered and broken, myself included. While it's true that I first thought my xh was in a MLC I now know that a lot more contributed to his breakdown which just happened to be at midlife. It took many months of counseling and recovery to understand the insidious abuse I suffered for over two decades. And, yes 25, it did seem sudden. You clearly have never suffered psychology abuse or are well versed in it or you wouldn't have been so cruel.

MLC is a generic term to me now. I don't understand why you thought it was necessary to come to my thread, write about me as if I wasn't participating, and show other posters where you feel I continue to be delusional. What was your point?

My post was to make two points. One, that your post was valuable in warning others about the legal aspects to divorce regardless of whether the spouse is in MLC or a serial cheater or suddenly depressed or just...whatever else there is. Because legally/financially, it makes no difference once a divorce is happening, you have to deal with it.

There are people who fear seeing a lawyer as if it mandates divorce. I'm glad you posted that it's not the case.

My second point was that I don't think we should spend so much time on labels here. I think it hinders our own growth b/c we keep the focus on the one person we surely have no control over, our departing spouse.

I too was suprsised by my h's behavior and some of it WAS absolutely new (like suddenly not paying any bills after 20 years of paying ahead of time).

But some of it was stuff I had not wanted to see before.

The thing is, I'm reconciled and we are doing pretty well.

Yet I spent over a year of my life back then, asking questions that have no good answers, ALL about my h and his "MLC" and I spent almost all the DB time in the MLC forum, I guess because I thought it increased the chance of a reconciliation or lessened the pain...

Frankly, I cannot recall my exact reasoning then, but I know I clung to the MLC forum for dear life, for too long.

MY biggest regret

is how much time I wasted on making this about my h, all while here in a solution based approach (as opposed to therapy about why, or to address our own underlying or accompanying issues or childhood things).

While I agree THAT those issues of ours DO need attention, they're often separate matters.

SOME of my issues had nothing to do with my marriage or husband but stil need addressing. AND some of those unrelated issues sort of become related b/c those issues still effected the r.

I honestly believe if I had kept on making it about my h and the label of WAH versus MLC, & WHY HE was doing whatever he was doing/planning/feeling or intending, etc,

and Not on creating my new life, that we'd be divorced instead of together.


I think it's important that we work on ourselves b/c we are all we can control. By keeping the focus on our spouses, who may be or are leaving us, we deflect away from insights we need to have about ourselves, and sometimes we spend so much time on the WAH/MLCer, we never get to US.

As a L, I want people (especially women who have been out of the work force for years, b/c they are often the most afraid) to stop letting fears of litigation or lawyers in general, keep them paralyzed in fear. That's why I posted here.


I wish I had made a direct comment to you (so you didn't feel as if I was referring to an uninvolved 3rd party). But I was interrupted during my post and pushed submit without proofing it carefully.

Sorry that offended you as I meant no offense.

[job]

I am bumping this thread up because it has valuable information that everyone should read and make every effort to protect themselves financially after the bomb has dropped.

[JuneReN]

I truly believe that each and every person takes as much time as is necessary for them. I think, 25, it was not a waste of time for you, but you have hindsight, which informs us how to behave in the future if we would like different results from ourselves, but is useless in the shoulda coulda woulda.

You have so much wisdom and the hard truths are always the hardest to hear. Thank you.

GM, thank you for your story. And your information has been more valuable than you know.

[FloydMan]

I truly believe that each and every person takes as much time as is necessary for them. I think, 25, it was not a waste of time for you, but you have hindsight, which informs us how to behave in the future if we would like different results from ourselves, but is useless in the shoulda coulda woulda.

You have so much wisdom and the hard truths are always the hardest to hear. Thank you.

GM, thank you for your story. And your information has been more valuable than you know.

Big hugs to you GM!
Stay brave and stay the course. I too have been miredminna legal mess for quite some time. I am hopeful itnisnwinding up....really hoping. I too paid too much attention to her instead of dealing with the 'business' and was lost, did not know my rights and struggled. I have done so much research in the past 6 months and have caught up. I was able to get 50/50 with the kids and was in for a large payout to a banker exW who had manipulated funds and hid lots and all has been exposed. While I will be paying some I am okay with that as all I wanted was equal. But the MLCers only see what they feel they are entitled to. I now know my rights better than ever, found as much proof and documentation as possible and once done correctly and honestly numbers cannot lie. Courts deal with facts....not a foot stomping, self serving sneak. Our WAS's don't care if we are in a shoebox. These people steal. They are lost souls. God Bless and again, stay the course with facts and it will mitigate the costs and get results. I found out late but not too late. The losses could have been much worse. Lawyers will fight with facts for you, but they won't find the facts for you. That is our job. (((((GM)))))!