Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

While my childhood was happy, I did always feel "guilty" when I needed or wanted something. And, I also enjoy helping others and making them happy. It's tough to see H so unhappy when I just want him to be happy!

It was interesting for me to see your train of thought on that....gives me something to think about in my own sitch.

Maybe our personality types lead us to codependent relationships with our significant others.

And your thought about wanting him to help you but not needing him to???? Totally my sitch.

Angela, yeah I wore lots of handydowns too. Or whatever was cheap at Walmart... I know kids can be so cruel when you don't have the money to wear all the "in" stuff. It makes me sad. And I do realize that I have some psychological issues tied to money and finances... like when H and I were financially pretty secure I did sometimes go overboard in just buying what I wanted without thinking about if I needed it and if that money couldn't have been better spent elsewhere or saved. And I know when we were NOT financially secure it tends to evoke a lot of anxiety and insecurities in me that are maybe even more than the norm. When he was unemployed for an extended time once, I really did feel myself questioning if he was doing everything he could to find a job... and I am sure that made him feel bad. And it annoyed me that he wasn't open to the idea of me finding any crappy job to make SOME money in the meantime. I guess in that sense maybe I was "negative" and "pessimistic"... while he was optimistic he would find a job soon enough that he didn't want me to make a big change in our lifestyle by getting a job myself. And of course at the time, neither of us really took the initiative to talk about the money/unemployment situation except in the most superficial way. No feelings talk. Just the facts.

I also realized this afternoon that my Mom was the disciplinarian in my household for most of my childhood. When we were younger she would pull the "wait until your Dad gets home card" and then my Dad would slap you on the bottom with his belt. Later on, when I suppose my Dad resented spending his little time at home making his children cry my mom would spank us on the butt with wooden spoons. My mom broke wooden spoons on the edge of the kitchen table. She broke them on our butts (usually my brother's). If you sassed her you got your mouth washed out with soap.

I was a smart kid, I learned early on that it was worth it not to be in trouble. My brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me never stopped being in trouble. As I got to be a tween I did have trouble with telling my mom she was a hypocrite or a b*tch... By about the time I was 12 I was already sick of pretending that my good Christian, Catholic, Conservative family was so wonderful and virtuous. I think I have spent everyday since trying to be a genuinely good person, without having to rely on a label to brand me as such.

I understand now that when I was younger and my mom had fewer kids and no job, her fuse wasn't quite so short. That she would give us warnings and expect us to obey, and sometimes we didn't and then there were consequences. But as the family got bigger and she had a job and was burnt out from all the responsibility, she became much more volatile.

I know I tend to get "ranty" when I am upset. And sometimes I explode and lash out... and I don't like it. It reminds me of my mom. This is something I really want to work on. Like REALLY REALLY.

Even though I don't abuse my son, I do see how when I am angry with H I take on a tone that surely makes him feel insulted, and maybe inferior. That I raise my voice and get in his space I know makes him feel the need to react/defend. He doesn't really listen to what I am saying, so I should no better than to resort to that behavior.

H has done this too at times... get "intimidating" when he is angry sometimes. But since BD seems more content to mock me or bring up some past sin of mine to "keep score." He also keeps pointing out how I am "always so negative. I have always been negative." I can see how I have a way of saying things that probably gives them a negative implication... even if I don't think really that I AM a negative person. If anything I think I am someone who calls people out on their bullshit, and right now that is not something he can handle.

One thing that really pisses me off right now... is that I have this capacity to forgive people and give them chances to change or do better SO easily. I don't want to be judged by things I did 10 years ago when I was stupider and less experienced than I am now... I try to extend that courtesy to other people, especially those who have CHANGED, but H keeps score in his head of everything anyone has ever done to slight him. There seems to be no REAL method to gain his forgiveness. You can say you are sorry, you can change your ways, you can work to make amends, you can promise you will never do it again... and 12 years later it is something he is still going to throw in your face to prove "you aren't perfect either." Well, no I am not perfect. But I am also not the same version of myself who made that mistake and would keep making it given the opportunity.

I also feel like one of our parenting disagreements when son was young was about discipline. That I did not even want to slap by son on the hand or spank him for fear that I would become like my mom in the discipline department... H didn't seem to understand my resistance to those methods, although he was honestly also abused by his parents and step parents in the same ways and much worse. I think H thought my "lack of discipline" made son spoiled and poorly behaved... even once we got the Asperger's diagnosis, I felt like H was still blaming me for not "fixing the problem" through better parenting. Did I sometimes YELL at son in ways that were probably too severe? Yes, at times. But I think I worked very hard to break the cycle of abuse and can feel accomplished in what I did to establish positive and consequence driven discipline.

I also kind of feel like I have perhaps an overly developed sense of Justice and Fairness because of the abuse when I was a child. Like my mom would say, "If the person who broke my lamp doesn't fess up, then I am going to spank both of you." And I would say "brother did it" (and be telling the truth, and brother would say I did it, and Mom "didn't know who to believe so we both got punished. Although I would always feel like Mom SHOULD know which one of the older two kids rough houses and throws balls in the house and breaks things and LIES... WHY couldn't she BELIEVE me over brother. I had a reputation as the good kid, my brother was a known hellion. It was not FAIR for me to be punished for something I didn't even do. And I feel a little of that same sense of injustice in this MLC situation. "I was the good one, why am I being punished."