The Brave Man

[ericmsant2]

F*ck – I step away for a sec and holy chit…
JF

I regret how my R with my Dad deteriorated and ultimately was unresolved at the time of his death. Can't open up and ask him about it.

I can understand how you would feel this way. Regret does not resolve anything. I think you have felt this regret long enough – time to let it go man. I could fill up an entire web site with things that I regretted in my past. Let it go. As for opening up and asking him about it….consider this…You’re a dad – right? So am I. Being a dad does not come with a book. Ya fu*k up from time to time – right? Take a look at your boys. I would bet Mach Purple Tutu and Pink Half shirt with nipple cut outs that you would forgive your boys for anything they will say to you. It is being a parent…it is being a dad. So instead of carrying around the regret, get on your knees and talk to your dad. Explain to him that you are sorry for your role in chit, tell him you forgive him for his role in chit and THEN ACCEPT that he does forgive you.

For a second course - define screwed up for me. I don't see a man that screwed up. I don't see a man that was right or wrong. I see a man that is learning from his past - things that are both good for him and not so good for him.

Please read that ^^^^ over and over and over.

but be careful to not own more than your own.

So true and living with someone is crisis does not help. Lord knows I end up feeling like the devil reincarnated. My xw almost blamed me for global warming and for a while, especially until I learned to forgive myself – I believed it. Don’t. As AJ says – own your piece of the failure (and we all have a piece) and just try and do better next time.

I want myself to be punished. I don't love myself enough yet to forgive myself. I can't lie to myself. I can't fix or control any of these things.

Fu*k that ^^^ right up there. I am gonna call bullchit. IMO, I think it is easier to fall into the pit of self pity than it is to stand up, own your chit and say – I made some mistakes but so does everyone! It is easier to lie down and feel this way…it is much harder to pull yourself out. You can fix you and you can control YOU – it just takes WORK. So are you up for it? Are you ready to put all of this chit behind you are start defining the new YOU?

I love my W even today in her flawed existence. All her scars make her who she is, right or wrong. I love her and accept her.

That is quite noble. I do not doubt that you feel this way. Hell I still love the memories of my xw – she was a sweet heart. That said, how could you love her if you do not love YOU. What does Love really mean to YOU. Is this really LOVE that you feel towards her or is it the FEAR you may be feeling to look deep inside and explore a new you. In my case, yes I loved the person I married, but my definition of love was quite different then than it is today. I am not saying you are wrong for feeling this way…nope….just that you need to understand why you feel the way you do.

Maybe I haven't felt loved in so dam long that I can't possibly think that I am a good and worthwhile person. So I beat myself up for all of my failures and continue to revisit them because I feel so unloved that it must be my fault.

Ohh…how I know that feeling. In the house, with some hot women that you used to be married to..Oh..i know that well. The feeling that it is all your fault. Yep the reliving of every mistake you have ever made.
Are you afraid JF? Are you afraid that if you forgive yourself that you may look over at Wife and say F* it – I deserve better? Stop taking the blame for all of this chit. She is in a crisis – NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. She will make you feel like it – that what she will do to make HERSELF feel better. You do not have to do the same. Do me a favor, write down 3 things that you will do in the next week that make YOU happy…and do not give me some chit about the kids, or the kids games – NO some real GAL stuff. Guy stuff…Go to a game with a friend. Go play poker with some buddies. Go sky diving. Pick up a nice book and go chillax somewhere. Something let me see that list in your next post.

I am not perfect.

No one IS – hell I still leave the seat up when I pee at Mach’s house (that was a joke). Stop trying to be perfect. Do you know why we try to be perfect (at least IMO)? EASY WAY OUT. VERY COMFORTABLE FOR SOME OF US WHO ARE USED TO BE THE VICITIM. You will never be perfect – that title goes to God and my XW if you ask her (another joke).

scars and imperfections are warranted. I have compassion for her.

Compassion is good dude. However, in the context that you are using it…at least IMO, you are devaluing YOURSELF.
Your beaten down dude – at least that how it comes across. I have been there. It does GET BETTER IF YOU WANT IT TO.
Take a look in the mirror JF – you may not like everything you see…but we are ALL worthy of LOVE. ALL of US. Don’t be afraid to accept that right now your W is cuco for coco puff. Don’t allow HER Actions, lack of actions to DEFINE YOU. Do not allow your past, your parents, the fact that you did not want as a child or the fact that your W wanted as a child to DEFINE YOU.
JF – YOU DEFINE YOU. YOU AND YOU ALONE. Not your job, not your friends, not your wife, parents, grandparents, me, Mach, AJ, fu*king no one. JUST YOU!

So JF – you say you try to be good person…well try and be a good person for YOURSELF…and if you really need some motivation….take a good look at your boys.

Now, call Mach and have him mail you his pink shovel and his light blue hard hat and keep digging.