"You're My Best Friend"

[Wonka]

Well, I can tell you, I didn't like the comment he made about returning home because it's comfortable. That's not a good enough reason to come home. He should have said that he wanted to come home and build a new life w/you because he loved you and wanted you in his life.

Job, I think you're dead wrong here.

As a reformed MLCer, for me, feeling comfortable with the notion of returning home is the PARAMOUNT, foremost in our thought process when contemplating returning home or to the M. Otherwise, we wouldn't be back home, right? That is how we think and look at the world from the MLC journey. I do have to qualify this statement that we never truly lost our love for our spouses that lies buried beneath the surface.

In a way, H verbalized what we many MLCers are thinking and processing in looking at our LBSes and home. There's a good reason why you standers are called "lighthouses", 'beacons" beckoning us back home because YOU are the source of comfort in our bewildering confused minds.

Saying that H "should have" said he wanted to come home...is holding out a very strident standard that we cannot possibly meet/measure up when coming out of the "fog" and taking notice of our surroundings.

Think about it from our perspective. Please be kind and gentle to us.

[reachingHigher]

This is a very interesting and informative perspective, Wonka!!

I think the love for you is what we would like to hear.

What started the discussion with me and H the other night was I said some question and he said "well, I'm here".

I told him privately later that a girl wants to hear some more words of endearment even if she is appreciative he is here.

He said that he didn't mean it the way it sounded, but that "here" was where he felt he was s'posed to be and that included me as part of the whole package. Obviously, if he didn't love me he wouldn't want to be "here".

Your quote helped me appreciate more where my H is coming from, thank you again!

[LoisB]

I agree with Wonka. I think it's really unrealistic to expect someone who is fighting to survive to be able to express feelings to far below the surface. He told you he felt comfortable at home. It may not be poetry, but it's what got him home and maybe that's enough for now.

[uRworthy]

R, I hope you know how much I care about you. I want to be sure that you know where I am coming from. It is because of how I feel about you that I want to be completely honest with you.

May I ask if you are still in MC? Forgive me if you have already told us. I hope you are still going. Many people quit when things even out and they shouldnt. You said he was satisfied with the visits to the MC. Were you?

I fear that you want so much for him to be happy that you sometimes overlook whether you are. I want so much for you to be. Your happiness matters, too. Your feeling good about things. Your being ok with saying if you arent all the time.

Part of that comes from finding you and learning your worth. I know you are on the path to learning that.

Please dont be afraid of ruffling feathers, R. You are a point where you can still be compassionate and understand he is still working through things, and also be heard.

It is a new marriage. He and you are different people than you were before. I think the foundation of any new relationship has to be honesty. I am not talking about trust here. I am talking about being honest about your feelings. The good and bad ones.

I like what Job said. "You both have to grow separately in order to come together and live your new lives in a more meaningful way. You both were separate individuals when you married and once you married, you became one...but along the way, rH, you lost your self in being a wife, companion and mother. Now, you need to start focusing on how you want to shape your new life."

I sometimes feel as if you are so grateful he came back that you dont matter. Your feelings, your interests, your likes and dislikes. You matter, R.

I am so glad his actions show love for you. You deserve that.

I understand it is all so overwhelming at times. It is a work in progress. There will be fits and starts. Just rememher to stay true to you.

You know, I think you keep bringing stuff up from the past because you havent felt that he is sorry and regrets it. So, you keep mentioning it in the hope that one day he will.

It is different for everyone how they learn to forgive and to trust again and what is needed in order for that to happen really and truly. Find your way.

More than anything, I want you to be a vibrant, happy growing person. For you.

[reachingHigher]

It may not be poetry, but it's what got him home and maybe that's enough for now.

thanks, Heather! Yes!

uRw, yes to all you said.

I sometimes feel as if you are so grateful he came back that you dont matter. Your feelings, your interests, your likes and dislikes. You matter, R. I am starting to "get" this. I told H last night, I stuff a lot of things down to avoid conflict. He was silent for a long time after that.

We stopped going to MC b/c of the $. I think we could start again in January, but H doesn't like to go b/c he squirms in his seat. Maybe b/c I'm continually bringing up what he did/didn't do in hopes to get that apology? In hopes he will see how bad I was hurt? Idk. I didn't see that till you pointed it out.

I was satisfied also with the MC visits. I wanted to get to the point where when we had an issue he and I could talk about it with each other. We have been trying to do that and not ignore small irritations.

I got in some bad habits, as is very kindly pointed out here occasionally, with being a SAHM, homeschooling, and fundamentalist church-goer. I gave it my all. I didn't have much left for H.

So, yes, I am learning who I am again. I took out my personal box of memorabilia from my life and looked at it Sunday. Looked at my career interest survey from college. Read some essays I wrote. Looked at some pics. Tried to feel deeply inside, who I was, who I became, and who I am becoming. It felt very healing.

Our MC said that I need to be more upfront with my H (did you ever see "Wall-E"? And notice the announcer's name: Shelby Forthright? Still cracks me up!). I need to say to H, who are you texting? Or that it hurts my feelings when you do such-and-such or act so-and-so. I haven't been very good at it.

Last evening I wanted to use H's net book computer to type some real estate test questions on. He spent 15 minutes with it before he gave it to me. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was making sure nothing was on it that shouldn't be. I said oh, you don't want me to find anything! and left the room quickly feeling hurt. That isn't the way to handle that. We talked about it later but the edges are so tender.

He doesn't like to hear my questions when I do find inappropriate things. So he continually tries to clear his slate of the past. That makes me feel annoyed b/c he is being secretive. So we go round-n-round.

Should I not ask when I see unusual things? I told him last night, we are H and W. Surprises may come up. We just explain to the other one and go on.

I'm at a loss so much sometimes as to how to handle things. It's nothing like limerence. It's nothing like limbo. And it's far into reconnection.

[AJM]

He doesn't like to hear my questions when I do find inappropriate things. So he continually tries to clear his slate of the past. That makes me feel annoyed b/c he is being secretive. So we go round-n-round.

Should I not ask when I see unusual things? I told him last night, we are H and W. Surprises may come up. We just explain to the other one and go on.

I'm at a loss so much sometimes as to how to handle things. It's nothing like limerence. It's nothing like limbo. And it's far into reconnection.

Can I just say that I think you have some ideas about this? I can see how he wouldn't want to feel under a microscope all the time and I can see how you would want some reassurances and some trust building. And healing of the past. I suspect he does as well. You are both going about it in different ways. You want to bring out the dirty laundry and clean it. He wants it to go away.

You both have feelings. He is trying to figure his out and trying to protect yours. You are trying to face things and he's trying to not, but only if he can help it. He's also not shying away from it.

Can I suggest you work on the things you can work on? Like bringing things up before they fester? It sounded like that was what you were getting at above. And can I also suggest you resolve those feelings about your career/past? It sounds like a few things are still lingering. Maybe work on those things that get in the way - life? Maybe?

You're both strong enough to work on yourself and together

Peace,
AJ

[reachingHigher]

I can see how he wouldn't want to feel under a microscope all the time and I can see how you would want some reassurances and some trust building. And healing of the past. I suspect he does as well. You are both going about it in different ways. You want to bring out the dirty laundry and clean it. He wants it to go away.

You both have feelings. He is trying to figure his out and trying to protect yours. You are trying to face things and he's trying to not, but only if he can help it. He's also not shying away from it.

Can I suggest you work on the things you can work on? Like bringing things up before they fester? It sounded like that was what you were getting at above. And can I also suggest you resolve those feelings about your career/past? It sounds like a few things are still lingering. Maybe work on those things that get in the way?

Thanks AJ. This was all well-put. As if you know us both! You are right on target. Yes, I can work on the things that I need to work on.

I have appreciated each post you have given me; I haven't forgotten the ones from a few months ago when I was floundering also. Thank you so much.

~ ~ ~ ~

Separately, I am close to passing the real estate exam. My first two tries at the school exam were a 60%, third try months later, 70%, this past weekend was 80%, and I need an 85% to get a recommendation to take the state exam. I only need a 75% on the state exam. The benefits are high, the flexibility is high, and my interest is high. Just need the score to be a wee bit higher now!

[reachingHigher]

I got so much great feedback yesterday; I wanted to put it in a reference format. So...distilled from my thread and some of T^2's thread is my:

RECONCILIATION QUICK REFERENCE CARD:

~ work on the things you can work on
~ bring issues up before they fester
~ resolve issues in your own life
~ don't quit MC too early

~ be compassionate and understanding; but also be heard
~ focus on trust & forgiveness (for yourself as well as them)
~ be honest about both good and bad feelings
~ find your way

~ understand their feelings of wanting to be "home"
~ don't forget the lessons you learned in DBing

~ step back a bit
~ grow separately as well as together
~ never stop growing

~ forgiveness means never using what you forgave as a weapon
~ trust is something earned slowly; while verifying less and less


~ ~ ~ comments and corrections are welcome ~ ~ ~ ~

[job]

I really like your listing. One more thing to add, if you don't understand a comment or a comment makes you feel uncomfortable, ask for clarification.

BTW, I'm praying for you to "ace" your next realtor test. You've come so far and have had some bumps, twists and turns along the way, but you still have managed to take the test and you are so close to getting the score you need. Don't give up! I know you'll pass the next time.

[uRworthy]

I would just like to say something, if I may.

I do not believe either I or the others were saying that Rh's h needed to say that he wanted to come back. Not at all.

I just felt that his comment that Rh should be nothing but grateful that he returned and that she should have no issues sounded a bit disrespectful.

I know that they are in crisis and need to be shown compassion kindness and patience. And Rh has certainly shown an abundance of that. But, the LBS suffers deeply, too. They need compassion and kindness, also.

MLC does not give them a free pass on their actions, crisis or not. They still have to own them.

They also have to show respect to those LBSers who have stood, who have endured a great deal of pain, and welcomed them home.

You cannot have a relationship, without respect and honesty. Certainly not for the long haul.