Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

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CBT,

I went through the same thing and it wasn't because I wanted to be with OM. I wanted the friends I had made, I wanted to hang out and have a good time and when H asked me to stop going to the one place where I could have a great time no matter what, I resented it. Originally I didn't go, then I started going when he wouldn't know. It wasn't the same because of the guilt and the stress I would be 'caught' so I resented him even more. At least your W is being honest with you. Also, as I moved further and further towards R with him, this became less important and I did get to the point where I wouldn't go anywhere near the place, even if he wasn't going to know, because I didn't want to do that to him, didn't want to lie and didn't want him to feel the pain he would feel if he did find out. My point is that even though I didn't want to give up what made me happy, it didn't mean I didn't care about H's feelings. I also felt (very strongly) that by him telling me to give up what was important to me that he felt his feelings were more important than mine. Why are these friends important to her? Are they the only people she knows in the area because you are new there? If so, who else would she spend time with? You are asking her to give up what makes her happy to make you happy. I am not saying either of you are right or wrong. I understand the spouse who had an A needs to show the other spouse they are trustworthy. I also know that, for me, I felt dead inside for years until I had my A and then that opened up something inside of me that I wasn't willing to give up. You have to find out what she is getting from these relationships. Is it something you can help her get somewhere else?

As for sex and touch, that also took me a while. Again, not because I didn't want to be with H or want my M to work, it just did. I don't know the whole reason. I know that, for me, part of it was because we barely had sex before my A and then after it was 'so important' to him that I didn't believe that..otherwise we would have been having sex for the 3 years prior. I also wasn't in the 'mood' to have sex with H most of the time. When I would think about sex with him, I wanted it but then we would start to have sex and I was almost repulsed by his touch. I don't have any insight as to why because I never discussed it with a counselor but at the time I know that I thought it was because I didn't believe he would ever let the past go and we still had a lot to work through. It did improve but it took a while..now it is much, much better and I initiate as often, if not more, than H.

Don't beat yourself up for the text, sometimes you need to be honest and when you are rebuilding your M, it is important. At the same time, I also felt that way when H would be a 'downer' about something I was doing. It always made me feel that nothing would ever be different.

I don't know the answer, I can just relate to where your W is and what you to know that it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care for your feelings or your M.