"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

It may not be poetry, but it's what got him home and maybe that's enough for now.

thanks, Heather! Yes!

uRw, yes to all you said.

I sometimes feel as if you are so grateful he came back that you dont matter. Your feelings, your interests, your likes and dislikes. You matter, R. I am starting to "get" this. I told H last night, I stuff a lot of things down to avoid conflict. He was silent for a long time after that.

We stopped going to MC b/c of the $. I think we could start again in January, but H doesn't like to go b/c he squirms in his seat. Maybe b/c I'm continually bringing up what he did/didn't do in hopes to get that apology? In hopes he will see how bad I was hurt? Idk. I didn't see that till you pointed it out.

I was satisfied also with the MC visits. I wanted to get to the point where when we had an issue he and I could talk about it with each other. We have been trying to do that and not ignore small irritations.

I got in some bad habits, as is very kindly pointed out here occasionally, with being a SAHM, homeschooling, and fundamentalist church-goer. I gave it my all. I didn't have much left for H.

So, yes, I am learning who I am again. I took out my personal box of memorabilia from my life and looked at it Sunday. Looked at my career interest survey from college. Read some essays I wrote. Looked at some pics. Tried to feel deeply inside, who I was, who I became, and who I am becoming. It felt very healing.

Our MC said that I need to be more upfront with my H (did you ever see "Wall-E"? And notice the announcer's name: Shelby Forthright? Still cracks me up!). I need to say to H, who are you texting? Or that it hurts my feelings when you do such-and-such or act so-and-so. I haven't been very good at it.

Last evening I wanted to use H's net book computer to type some real estate test questions on. He spent 15 minutes with it before he gave it to me. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was making sure nothing was on it that shouldn't be. I said oh, you don't want me to find anything! and left the room quickly feeling hurt. That isn't the way to handle that. We talked about it later but the edges are so tender.

He doesn't like to hear my questions when I do find inappropriate things. So he continually tries to clear his slate of the past. That makes me feel annoyed b/c he is being secretive. So we go round-n-round.

Should I not ask when I see unusual things? I told him last night, we are H and W. Surprises may come up. We just explain to the other one and go on.

I'm at a loss so much sometimes as to how to handle things. It's nothing like limerence. It's nothing like limbo. And it's far into reconnection.