I spoke with my friend who is going through the same situation.
He said something to me that really helped lighten my heart.
"You can choose regret, self pity, revenge, spite, and anger, but all of that leads to divorce anyway. If you want to salvage anything, you need to do what is right, and that is love. In the end, we cannot make them come back to us. But I will feel a lot better about myself saying I did everything I could the right way. I showed love and grace. And love wins."
He said this to me after I told him how i was Cruel to my W the othe night. I said things to hurt her. I knew i was doing it, I wanted her to feel pain, I wanted her to know how I felt.
But even after saying these things, It DID NOT make me feel better. In fact, I felt worse. I am not that person, i don't want to hurt others.
After hearing this from him, I called her and said, "I feel like I need to apologize to you. The things I said were hurtful. I wanted to hurt you, and that wasn't right. It was undignified and childish, I'm Sorry."
She said thank you, and accepted. She started crying and said she could not believe that I would apologize to her. I just said, the person I was last night, is not the person I want to be.
I was able to further clarify my Boundary when we got home last night. I said.. I want you to understand that while you choose to be with him, I choose not to be with you. I do this because every time I'm with you, it gives me hope. And every time you leave it kills me. I cannot let that happen to myself anymore.
She started crying and hugged me. That was it.
This morning I woke up feeling better. While i know my life is in turmoil and I'm not sure if they could really get any worse, I know that now is the time to DB and DB hard. I need to do this for myself and I need to stay true to myself and do it in a loving and compassionate way.
W commented on how good I looked this morning. I said, Thank you, I feel good, and smiled.
"You can choose regret, self pity, revenge, spite, and anger, but all of that leads to divorce anyway. If you want to salvage anything, you need to do what is right, and that is love. In the end, we cannot make them come back to us. But I will feel a lot better about myself saying I did everything I could the right way. I showed love and grace. And love wins."
I think I know this already, but this was said so well, and a good reminder.
I am glad you are feeling better this morning. And good job setting boundaries.
I don't have a lot to add but just wanted to let you know I am still following your thread. I can tell how painful this is for you and I am glad you have figured out where you need to be with all this. Keep on keepin' on, C!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I wanted to share a song with you that I have listened to probably 1,000 or so times since this all started. It can be depressing, yet uplifting at the same time.
David Bowie - Bring me the disco king (Danny Lohner Mix)
(you can find it on youtube)
It's the newer mixed version. The instrumentals are haunting and powerful.
I forgot to mention that after we had these talks, W brought up Christmas.
I said that I hadn't really been thinking about Christmas plans, and that I was trying to take things one day at a time.
She said that she assumed that I would be taking D to my families. But the way she said it, it sounded like she was upset that she wouldn't be going. She said that she was fine, she would just sit home.
I just gave my Boundaries about "being together". But in the name of love, Do I let her know that she is welcome to join us?
Let her know that D and I WILL be going, and she is more than welcome to join us? I don't want to completely obliterate my boundary, but at the same time, i feel that I need to be compassionate, even if she won't do the same for me.
Hi C. You did an amazing job apologizing to your wife. No matter what happens, you will be proud of yourself for handling this situation with dignity and grace. You will be able to teach your D how to act in tough situations.
I think you did a great job setting the boundary. I just set a similar boundary with my H - I cannot have a relationship (friendship or something morr romantic) with H if he is in one with OW. However , I recommend that you continue to work on a postivie coparenting relationship with your W. A while ago I told h that I would let him know when I made a big plan with the kids and he is welcome to join us if he would like, but that I was not going to ask everything. For example I told H that I booked breakfast with Santa event. H asked if he could join us and I said he was more than welcome. I would have gone with or without him. Both H and I are aware that these events are for the kids. We are mommy and daddy, not friends or husband and wife. With the kids there, most of our convo is about them anyway. I will say that it gives my H and I some time to connect and we have made some great memories as a family. I can still enforce my boundary because this really is about the family. I think that you can tell your W that you and d will be going to your family and she is welcome. I would put it out there for her to consider and not ask over and over. If she comes it will be a good family event. If not you and D will have a great time. Just try to separate the co-parenting stuff and the friendship/marriage stuff. Regardless of what happens with your M, your W will be in your life forever because of your D.
Great job and I will be following since our sitchs are very similar.
