"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

Thank you everyone for the comments! They mean so much to me: uRw, MrB (a rare but welcome appearance!), Eric (a warm hello!), job, Bright, Angela, T^2, and Raine!!! I really appreciate each post and have read them over and over.

I won't quote each one for sake of brevity.

I do want to say that the "counselors" are probably not IC. Probably his mom or drinking friends. Or even just one person that put this how can she complain about anything when you actually did come back? in his head.

I think H came back as a sort of live-in MLCer, at first. He had 4 1/2 years of desperately hating his M, wanting a D, and then couldn't bear to go through with it. I think he wasn't ready to come home, quite then. So, I do think it will take him a while to be fully baked.

H did come back saying he wanted to work on "us" and also requesting MC. He seems satisfied with our visits we had there.

I compare his behavior now to even a couple of months ago, a couple months before that, a couple months before that, etc. and slowly, slowly, slowly a change is emerging.

He plans his weekends with me, as before he wanted at least one weekend night "with the guys". Today he called me to see if a Christmas concert and overnight stay in a hotel next Saturday night would be something I would like.

We have tickets with anther couple for dinner theater in two days. We are going to a party (one that we missed a couple of weeks ago) with his friends on Sunday.

He did say we haven't had an easy time with group situations when we have gone out. I pointed out the groups have almost always been single guys or girls looking for mates, not couples. I don't think that is the easiest situation to walk into as a spouse. When he is with the guys they were looking for girls. When he was with the girls, they wanted him. I'm sort of the oddball. But I do think I've done well at these events. It just must feel awkward and strange for him. I told him that will fix itself as we get more friends acquired as a couple, and also his friends get used to us. He responds to invitations now "we" are coming, etc.

H usually mentions who he is texting and doesn't hide his phone when I walk in the room. He gave me the password to the Verizon account so I could see who he is texting and calling.

So I shouldn't be so hasty in saying we don't have transparency. It is an emerging concept for him. He taught himself, as a teenager, to hide things and lie to avoid his mom's controlling behavior. It's been a real change for him to be as open as he has.

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I appreciate Raine sharing where her H is. My H talked a LOT about his feelings for a couple of months in January and February and now he is back to the guy thing -- not talking too much.

But I would definitely say his actions show complete love for me.

I'm trying to process everything all at once. I'm not D. He is back. He is a new person. I am a new person. We have a new R. It's pretty overwhelming.

It's so different when it is just you or just you and the kids!

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I read all the latest discussion on T^2's thread. I admit to bringing stuff up to H when I'm annoyed -- like how he lied, how he did this or that. I can see from his POV, I'm always trying to show I have the upper hand.

I can see how wrong this is!!!

H told me the other night he DIDN'T KNOW what I did "all those nights" when he was gone. This never occurred to me. I didn't know what he was doing; I never thought he wondered about what I was doing. He doesn't know the agony, the sleepless nights, the heartbreak. I tried to show him my best "me" when he was here, except for a few times I broke down. So maybe he doesn't realize the grief I went through! He always said I was handling it so well, etc.

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So...what to do with all that?

I was thinking I'd like to close this year, basically starting now...brand new. Seeing him as a brand new, loving H. Not a liar that crept back with his tail between his legs.

Seeing me as a vibrant, happy growing person. A W, but a new W.

I talked about a new R before, but the pain and betrayal, as is sometimes described here, has been a huge hurdle to get over. I'm ready to let it go. Ready for something new.

Ready to forgive and trust once again.

(But job, I will back off a bit as I do this, as you suggested.)