"You're My Best Friend"

[reachingHigher]

That upset me too, uRw. I always heard here that MLCers would practically kiss the ground you walked on when they come back.

Our MC asked me privately how long I thought my H would be like this. I said he mentioned until he was 50! She said I could be right, until he is fully mature.

I had a friend whose H went through a 10-year MLC. She said after a few years things got better but it still took the full ten years. That could be the case here as well. Idk.

H said he came back b/c he felt comfortable here. Maybe he feels comfortable growing here. He scored an 8 out of 10 on a happiness marriage survey. But he is still not completely transparent with me. Still hides things.

Is that the sort of red flag you mean? Don't feel like his crisis is fully over? Be sure to keep DBing and growing personally? Give him plenty of space?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He left the toilet paper roll empty without replacing it......NAUGHTY !!!

[MrBond]

"Issues need to be talked about. Otherwise resentment sets in."

EXACTLY!

Your H doesn't realize how lucky HE IS.

[ericmsant2]

Be sure to keep DBing and growing personally?

I would not stop doing this ^^^^^ regardless of what happens.

[uRworthy]

I am not so sure they worship the ground you walk on necessarily. Everyone is different. But hHe is very lucky that you stood for him and the marriage when many others would have walked away.

Yes, the lack of transparency and hiding things could be a problem. The thing is that trust has to be earned back for you. And you need to define what it means to you.

But also the fact that he feels that way concerns me a bit. More for your sake, then his right now. That he feels you should have no issues and just be thankful.

And you should never stop growing and looking within.

[job]

rH,
Your h has been home almost a year. Generally the settling period takes 12-18 months.

What concerns me is the lack of transparency, the hiding of things. In order to gain your trust and truly win you back and prove to you that he really wants to be there w/you, is the transparency and being honest in all areas. He shouldn't be technically covering things up or conveniently not telling you things.

Well, I can tell you, I didn't like the comment he made about returning home because it's comfortable. That's not a good enough reason to come home. He should have said that he wanted to come home and build a new life w/you because he loved you and wanted you in his life.

His crisis isn't over and I'm going to suggest that you step back a bit. Don't be so readily available to do things w/him. You both have to grow separately in order to come together and live your new lives in a more meaningful way. You both were separate individuals when you married and once you married, you became one...but along the way, rH, you lost your self in being a wife, companion and mother. Now, you need to start focusing on how you want to shape your new life. As uR pointed out, get a new mirror and start looking at yourself.

Give him plenty of space because he still needs to grow up some, i.e., in other words, he's not fully baked!

[BrightFuture]

Hi rH, I’ve been reading along. I agree with uR and job about the comment about why he returned home. I think he is still insecure about himself and this is why he thinks that you should be overjoyed about him coming back.

I also agree with the advice to pull back a little. Don’t let his comments to affect your self-esteem. He is indeed LUCKY to have you back.

[Feenix]

rH..your H does not realize how fortunate he is to have YOU!

Do not forget all the lessons you've learned here and passed along to others, like me.

You are strong and wonderful and worthy!! Don't let him make you think differently!

Hang in there!

[TSquared2]

Ya know rH, that comment and reason he gave bug the cr@p out of me...almost sounds like there is some "EZ Button", almost "entitlement" mentality lurking around...

He needs different IC's then apparently.

I agree with uR and job.

[Raine]

I would say that my H said at the time and likely would still say now that he came home and stayed home because he was safe and secure here. When questioned, he told all the OW that he was here because he needed the security. There hasn't been zero mention that he is here for me or wants to be with me. Actions, yes, but zero verbal in that area.

However, he is very transparent. He is very open about who he is talking to and what he is doing and he has changed a lot of things that he has done throughout our marriage that may have been innocent then, but now, there is too much that has happened for those things to be innocent again. He does not do anything that would be questionable. He doesn't get near that line.

And I have never gotten the sense from my H that I should feel grateful he came back. He has always put out the vibe that I am better off without him. That he wants to be here more than I want him here. But again, my H has never come out and said he wants us or wants to work on us. Nothing is verbalized with him. It's all action.

[reachingHigher]

Thank you everyone for the comments! They mean so much to me: uRw, MrB (a rare but welcome appearance!), Eric (a warm hello!), job, Bright, Angela, T^2, and Raine!!! I really appreciate each post and have read them over and over.

I won't quote each one for sake of brevity.

I do want to say that the "counselors" are probably not IC. Probably his mom or drinking friends. Or even just one person that put this how can she complain about anything when you actually did come back? in his head.

I think H came back as a sort of live-in MLCer, at first. He had 4 1/2 years of desperately hating his M, wanting a D, and then couldn't bear to go through with it. I think he wasn't ready to come home, quite then. So, I do think it will take him a while to be fully baked.

H did come back saying he wanted to work on "us" and also requesting MC. He seems satisfied with our visits we had there.

I compare his behavior now to even a couple of months ago, a couple months before that, a couple months before that, etc. and slowly, slowly, slowly a change is emerging.

He plans his weekends with me, as before he wanted at least one weekend night "with the guys". Today he called me to see if a Christmas concert and overnight stay in a hotel next Saturday night would be something I would like.

We have tickets with anther couple for dinner theater in two days. We are going to a party (one that we missed a couple of weeks ago) with his friends on Sunday.

He did say we haven't had an easy time with group situations when we have gone out. I pointed out the groups have almost always been single guys or girls looking for mates, not couples. I don't think that is the easiest situation to walk into as a spouse. When he is with the guys they were looking for girls. When he was with the girls, they wanted him. I'm sort of the oddball. But I do think I've done well at these events. It just must feel awkward and strange for him. I told him that will fix itself as we get more friends acquired as a couple, and also his friends get used to us. He responds to invitations now "we" are coming, etc.

H usually mentions who he is texting and doesn't hide his phone when I walk in the room. He gave me the password to the Verizon account so I could see who he is texting and calling.

So I shouldn't be so hasty in saying we don't have transparency. It is an emerging concept for him. He taught himself, as a teenager, to hide things and lie to avoid his mom's controlling behavior. It's been a real change for him to be as open as he has.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I appreciate Raine sharing where her H is. My H talked a LOT about his feelings for a couple of months in January and February and now he is back to the guy thing -- not talking too much.

But I would definitely say his actions show complete love for me.

I'm trying to process everything all at once. I'm not D. He is back. He is a new person. I am a new person. We have a new R. It's pretty overwhelming.

It's so different when it is just you or just you and the kids!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I read all the latest discussion on T^2's thread. I admit to bringing stuff up to H when I'm annoyed -- like how he lied, how he did this or that. I can see from his POV, I'm always trying to show I have the upper hand.

I can see how wrong this is!!!

H told me the other night he DIDN'T KNOW what I did "all those nights" when he was gone. This never occurred to me. I didn't know what he was doing; I never thought he wondered about what I was doing. He doesn't know the agony, the sleepless nights, the heartbreak. I tried to show him my best "me" when he was here, except for a few times I broke down. So maybe he doesn't realize the grief I went through! He always said I was handling it so well, etc.

~ ~ ~ ~

So...what to do with all that?

I was thinking I'd like to close this year, basically starting now...brand new. Seeing him as a brand new, loving H. Not a liar that crept back with his tail between his legs.

Seeing me as a vibrant, happy growing person. A W, but a new W.

I talked about a new R before, but the pain and betrayal, as is sometimes described here, has been a huge hurdle to get over. I'm ready to let it go. Ready for something new.

Ready to forgive and trust once again.

(But job, I will back off a bit as I do this, as you suggested.)