Bright, I do think that your h is having a mild mlc and just needs time and space to figure things out. Maybe he's gone back to a time in his past life and is actually living the way he once did.
It's difficult to say what's going through his head, but apparently he needed some time away or as I have heard this stated before "a break from the marriage". I wouldn't worry too much about him because it sounds like he's doing okay venturing forth in the cold, cruel world.
Yes, it does sound like he still wants to touch base w/his past, i.e., bil. It's his way of knowing that people are still out there and the lifeline is still attached at both ends.
No, the marriage wasn't bad, but he had to this right now because mortality was on his mind. He may have felt that he had some unfinished business from the past and needed to figure things out. Whatever the reason, if the marriage had been that bad, he would have left many years ago...so put that thought out of your mind.
Bright, keep the focus on you and your life. The man upstairs is watching over your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Our relationship was not perfect - whose is? But instead of travelling together and having fun together, he is in a small apartment with a relationship that did not work out.
Is that somehow better for them? Certainly that is what they chose. The hardest thing, I think is letting them get to it and focussing on ourselves. Someone has to focus on us. They aren't.
my h is not a bad guy in as far as spewing, being ugly. h really gives me nothing.. no conversation at all.no connection with anyone h wants to move on with D. mind reading, but I think it is because(he thinks) it will magically alleviate his guilt. He wont feel the need to lie to me,kids anymore. h said the words to me "at my age, I should be able to do what I want" I pray and pray for h.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Hi Bright. The holidays are so hard, aren't they? Will your H be welcomed at your family's holiday? Do you think he'll really show up?
This will be my 5th MLC Christmas. We have sort of faked it for my oldest son and his family, who come down from CT on Christmas eve every year and spend the night. This is the first year we'll have together that H was actually having a real PA, it was always EAs in the past (not that they don't hurt as much ). I don't know if his relationship with the Russian will make a difference to him or not, but it sure changes everything for me. I'm not sure how H will be acting, and guess I'll just continue to STFU and enjoy my grandkids until it's all over.
Maybe your H is starting to see all that he has given up in his search for that perfect woman and perfect life. The holidays are really a time to connect with family and friends. How did your holidays go last year? That was your first MLC Christmas, right?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Job, you are spot-on. He went to the lifestyle he had before he married me. He had minimum possessions, was shopping with coupons and had a 69 pickup truck. Like I mentioned before, I always made more money than him, sometimes significantly more. I could handle two mortgages and other expenses pretty much on my own when I had good contracts. He could afford to stay home during the winter, so he didn’t have to freeze his behind. Not anymore.
He is literally living in the cold right now, LOL. It is now below freezing with snow on the ground in the state where he works. He hates cold, but he HAS to stay there and work in the miserable conditions, because he no longer has a W who has his back. I know he will survive, like he did before he married me.
I’ve been thinking about him having some unfinished business from the past a lot. I think he was having these issues with his past for the most part of our M. He had both worlds pretty much. He was a good husband and a step dad, he had home and did all the things that a married man does. And there was another world when he traveled for work. He was a single guy, he partied a lot and met new people all the time. So, in a sense, he continued to enjoy the teenage years when he was away from home. And I guess the pull of that life became stronger.
Portia, I’m with you, girl.
WBW, your H thinks that the D will change everything for him. And, yes, he wants his guilt to go away. He will discover that it is not going to be case, trust me.
Rosa, I actually don’t remember the last year Christmas. H didn’t want to celebrate Christmas for a number of years when we were married. Last few years he kind of mellowed down and we went to his BIL or traveled to Mexico and were invited to our friends’ dinners. I think this was one of his unresolved issues with his Mom. I don’t know if he will ask to be part of my family celebration. This is where I’m straggling. He would certainly be welcomed by my family, but the question is whether I will want him there or not.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Some info I gathered from the business receipts and bank account. I didn’t any payment last month for the room in friend’s house where H was staying all this time. Then there was a motel charge in that town where H has been staying. The charge looks like he was at that motel for a couple of nights. I’m puzzled. Why did he stop renting the room? Where has he been living? In his camper? It is flecking cold over there and that was the reason he started to rent a room last year because he could not stay in his camper when it got too cold. I know that he’s been doing a lot of outside town jobs and he stayed at the motels in different towns. But still, I don’t know why the rent stopped. Did he break it off with his friend, hehe. It could have happened, H is very impatient sometimes and people start to get on his nerves after a while, even though these same people could be the best friends at the beginning.
When I realized that he was not renting the room, I immediately thought that he has an OW now and moved to her place. Then I looked at the food receipts, and the amounts didn’t scream for a second person. He was still trying to save the money and actually spent less money on his food for some time. Only the recent receipt started to show the larger amounts. So, there could be another person with him dining out. But, at the same time the amount for groceries didn’t increase.
I had a brief feeling of sadness when I thought that he might have finally acquired an OW, but it went away pretty quick. Surprisingly, I didn’t even have my heart beating faster or any anxiety. My next thought was that it might be a good thing and he might stay over there longer, so I don’t have to worry about him coming here and to the vacation home. I would curious to find out if maybe he found the OW who would be willing to go with him anywhere he goes.
Then, I found out that he is intending to head south at the end of this week. I assume he is planning to drive, and not fly. I’m thinking he will be making stops to visit his friends and relatives on the way. Not sure if he will drive his camper, or a rental car. Maybe his plan is to drive his camper, so he could bring some of his stuff when he goes back, so he could set up a permanent household over there. Sigh… This is all speculation, but my mind is just racing with all kinds of possible scenarios. I need to be prepared for anything.
On another note, I had a dream last night where I was some party with a new BF. The weird part was that I knew my H and my first XH were at that party too, but I could not see them. This was a strange dream, but it made me feel kind of good. What it means to me is that my heart (or mind) is opening to a new R.
Also, I had an interview for a possible job yesterday. I haven’t heard about the result yet, and it makes me very nervous. I hope this one will not just disappear like a couple of other prospect after I had the interviews. I need to stay positive.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on the job prospect. Don't stop applying for positions...keep looking even if this one looks good. The more irons you have in the fire, the better.
As for your h, you are allowing your mind to wonder and trying to analyze the receipts. "Assuming" and "mindreading" are going to take up too much space in your head and they aren't even paying rent. When the time is right all will be revealed to you.
Take care!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good luck with the job prospect BF!!I am praying for you :-)
Dont waste your mind space on H. Mindreading and speculation take our energy away from focusing on ourselves and our own healing and calm.
xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Job, thank you so much for thinking of me. I appreciate your support so much. I haven’t stopped looking for another position, but there is just nothing suitable out there this time a year in my occupation. I do hope that it will start picking up after the New Years.
There is not answer from that company I interviewed with… It just doesn’t help with PMA. I’m trying though…
Busting, thanks for stopping by and for sending me luck, I need it now.
It is just so hard to not do the mindreading. I’m getting very anxious before his arrival here. It will probably be next week or week after. I remember last year so well, when I was spinning so bad, not knowing what to do and how to behave. This time again, I’m worried of saying too much or not saying enough. I’m not ready for see him, period.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BF ... I am somewhat like you. My H is gone for long periods of time and the last few times he has come home, I have been so apprehensive and anxious. Like you, I would like to save my marriage, but being alone so much has become kind of acceptable to me. The last visit home was not so bad .. this is what I did ...
I got myself to that place where you know you are strong and can handle anything thrown your way ... with calm, grace and dignity. I kept reminding myself that I would not fall for games and would not defend myself from accusations. I made a determination that no matter what he said, I would listen and not over-react. I prepared myself for the worst while hoping for the best. (I got the worst - he didn't want to be married, didn't want to be a H and wanted a divorce.) I just kept telling myself that I am a rock and I am strong! After preparing myself for days,I managed to do it, but had to remind myself repeatedly of how I wanted to behave.
You can do it .. we have to. We do it for us! Just remember to "act as if" and you'll be able to handle it!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
). I don't know if his relationship with the Russian will make a difference to him or not, but it sure changes everything for me. I'm not sure how H will be acting, and guess I'll just continue to STFU and enjoy my grandkids until it's all over.