Being the nice person isn't always fun!

[JuneReN]

^^
Been there. Currently there. Don't even know if I will like new H and he has made some great changes (of which, strangely, I am jealous, lol)

That was the alarm that I had to continue to work on me....

Personally, I hope the man I married doesn't come back. What I needed then and what I need now are vastly different. Plus 20 years under the belt.

[labug]

So you lived in the future for awhile and it made you uncomfortable. Don't go there again.


Deal with _do I want H" if and when you need to, there are lots of twists and turns to come.

The important thing is, you're now in a better position to handle them.

[Pudmuddle]

^^
Been there. Currently there. Don't even know if I will like new H and he has made some great changes (of which, strangely, I am jealous, lol)

That was the alarm that I had to continue to work on me....

Personally, I hope the man I married doesn't come back. What I needed then and what I need now are vastly different. Plus 20 years under the belt.

ruby kate I totally agree with what you said here. CC, I agree with you too on how scary this is. This being my 2nd time here, or maybe it was just continuous, I am very wary of my H and what he will be. He wasn't able to process this all last time and deal with it and sometimes I wonder if he has that capability to go so deeply. Hopefully my work on myself and showing him the love and support will show him the way and he can learn from it. I know there are no guarantees and if he cannot work through his issues and make himself happy inside, I may have to let him go someday. This is the first time I have been at peace with that, if it happens. I now realize I cannot fix him. But I can possibly show him the way. Remains to be seen...

CC, I get the up and down cycles, I still do it too. Sometimes I feel my posts are manic depressive, lol, as I am so up for days and then down for days. Almost makes ya sick with all the up and down. I think it was wonderful that you saw a glimpse of the old H with your children. I'm sure it warmed your heart while at the same time being hard for you. You are doing well.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks guys. The actual day my real H was here wasn't hard. Shocking and happened but not hard. Very natural actually.

The days afterwards have been hard. Very hard actually. But having spoken to him, he's finding it hard since too.

I thanked him for sharing his good day with me and the kids. He said it was because of us. I said I was proud that he could see the good and bad days now. He thanked me. I said it was lovely to see him getting better day by day. Again he thanked me. He didn't want to get off of the phone. He asked about me.....he has done for a few days now. He talked of getting professional help. Said it was urgently needed. That he couldn't keep going without it, really wanted to get well.

He said how confused he was. How he didn't know how to feel what to think. Didn't trust himself anymore. Didn't know what he really felt. He thought he knew and now he just doesn't seem to think that he was right.

I asked him how long he's been ill for? 3 years maybe longer. How long have you known you are ill? A few months, maybe less. Do you think it may take a little longer before you start getting better? Yeah I guess that makes sense, at least I know I'm ill now.

He says he's been thinking about the correlation between concussion and depression (he's a sportsman) but he didn't want to blame that for all of his actions. I asked why? Because I always blame something else, it's an instinct of mine. What's wrong with that instinct? Well I don't want to blame anyone else anymore but it's the first reaction I have. Can you change reaction? Yeah I guess you can over time.

I still need to stop over thinking......

Oh and no expectations.......

[job]

CC,
A very interesting conversation. He's thinking about things and has come to realize that he's not been well. This a good step in the right direction. Continue to allow him to talk and validate him. At least he feels comfortable in talking to you about his thoughts on his illness.

Please don't try to analyze or assume anything right now. He's inching along and you don't want to scare him back into the rabbit hole. Continue as you have been, a nice, calm and soothing voice, as well as a safe place to land

Keep the expectations at zero!

[CallaghanClown]

Interesting you say about the voice job, I couldn't actually hear my voice change. I sounded soothing and warm. Like one of my babies had hurt herself badly and I was using my calm voice to keep her calm. I remember it well from when my D4 had suspected meningitis. I was a beautiful swan. Calm and serene on the surface and flapping legs under the water.

I'm trying not to over analyse, but it's hard. I'll meditate.....that should do it.

[JuneReN]

You sound great CC and very nice that H is beginning to realize all is not well.

H recently did the FB ten things you might not know about me and one was he has been suffering from depression for over 25 years ..... !!!!!!!!

Of course, when I send him a link on depression he's all " why would you send me that?" Lmao!!!!!!

[LoisB]

CC,

Isn't it crazy how, when things go WELL, it's almost always harder to keep those expectations in check! I'm so much better with the awful, miserable and horrifying behavior than the nice stuff.

I'm glad he is having some clarity. Whether it sticks for an hour or here on out, I think it's great he faced some demons.

I've been feeling the up and downs too, as you know... This holiday, I think I came in with this "Why can't this all be over now? I'm sick of MLC and depression and thinking about heavy stuff." Accepting what things are, for today, is hard and, with that acceptance, comes your good days and your not-so-good days. But, I think I'd rather have that than be in my H's skin. At least, I can see some progress and I can see the bad moments get shorter. I can see myself getting stronger too.

I sure wouldn't want to wake up one day and have to face a
sh!tload of guilt, pain and consequence to things I've done. At least we, LBS-er's, are facing things as they come as opposed to avoiding and then getting a cold splash of water in the face.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

Heather

[labug]

I would just echo what job said.

[bustingout]

HI CC,

How are you? I catching up.

I am glad to read about the conversation with H. I echo the others about zero expectations. I understand how hard that is...especially when they are being nice and seem like a bit of their old selves. I know I tend to blah blah when I start feeling comfortable with H, which I am sure has hindered things. My biggest challenge is to STFU. You seem like you have mattered that technique. I love the swan analogy....

I do hope H continues his path if self reflection and honesty....

(((( )))))