Hi, Just had the worst week of my life. Have been going to Counselling every Tuesday for 5 weeks with W trying to get our 21 year marriage back on track, with have 4 boys.
I didn’t treated the counselling too seriously as I believed the problem lay with W, but wanted the outcome of a sex life back in our marriage as did W.
We definitely had/have relationship issues, in fact the “The Sex starved Marriage” reads a lot like our relationship.
So Counsellor suggested we try a night away, I had a business trip on a Friday so suggested to W to join me and we’d stay overnight. We had a great night out, bit too much alcohol and of course I pushed for sex. The sex wasn’t great for either of us so I got upset but kept it to myself.
A week later we are out on a Friday night after work with colleagues, yes we work together as well, a good night was being had by all. W made an innocent remark and I flew into a rage but kept it reasonably under control in front of our colleagues but W was in no doubt that I was angry.
Later at the end of the evening in the cab home I gave full vent to my resentment, spilling bile about lots of crap, calling W names, telling W she has a drinking problem and that she’s a sponge on me and my company.
Woke up Saturday morning and W was not in our bed, so resentment built up again, W had slept on the couch. Not satisfied with what I said on the cab ride home I decide I had to torture W even more, so I went for the jugular, I said I wanted a Divorce, W has to move out asap and that W is not getting access to the kids.
Of course W was completely shocked and stunned but I didn’t care, I let W stew all day. W took to her bed and when I went in to the room W had tears in her eyes which I viewed as success.
I slept on the couch and waited a whole 24 hours before saying to W that I might have been hasty, W thought about it for a few hours and said No she wants a divorce. I thought yea right, that’s going to happen, W will change her mind when we get to counselling on Tuesday.
Things were tense Sunday night and Monday but I thought come Tuesday Counselling session I can put this down as a “blow out” by me and that we’ll get back on track to W being the problem.
During the session we both explain some of what’s happened and W reiterates she wants a Divorce. Councillor does her best to try and smooth the situation but asks what we want to do next.
I say I want to fight for our marriage and W says she wants a divorce, then a discussion ensues about divorce, the kids need to be the focus etc. At this stage I'm thinking what’s going on here.
I have never see W so determined, W recalled all the time I’d been mean to her over the last 12 months. W was so focused on the decision she has made and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have finally push W too far. W is serious about this, the adrenaline flowed into my stomach, butterflies and an over powering desire to vomit came over me. I asked to be excused to go to the toilet and dry wrenched a few times.
Came back to the session to suggestions that I should leave the bed room to provide space between W and myself. Wasn't able to concentrate but more was said and a nightmare picture came into my head. More adrenaline flowed into my system and I couldn’t take anymore so I asked could I leave while choking back tears and said to W see you at home.
Drove around for a while, trying to decide if I should just get drunk to numb the sickness in my stomach or try and plead with W to keep trying.
Settled on having one large JD and coke while trying to reflect and then it hit me, what a “c***” I’ve been and have been for the last few years, probably the last 4 years.
I felt W was right she deserves happiness after all the crap I’ve put her through, I felt I don’t deserve W and that she has tried her best to keep us together.
Slept on the couch Tuesday night, couldn’t sleep, all the nightmare divorce scenarios are running through my head.
Couldn’t talk to W as I was a mess. Went to work Wednesday, couldn’t concentrate, still can’t talk to W. Lurch between feeling sick and wanting to cry. Sleep on the couch again, can’t sleep nightmare divorce scenarios running through my head again. Thinking I’ve absolutely blow it.
Thursday still can’t concentrate on work so start looking for sites to help with where I am, arrange a private session with our counsellor for tomorrow at 6 pm. Do a search for “getting back with your ex” and find this site. 1st site I found with a positive message to saving marriage. Read a few post and felt a positive vibe on the site.
Registered and staring reading chapter 1 of “The Divorce Remedy”, wow blew my mind. I don’t have to accept that the relationship is dead, I may have lost a battle but I intend to win the war.
I’ve order the book, express delivery it will be here on Saturday.
I will question the counsellor on her attitude to marriage and divorce but I don’t thing I have anything to worry about re the counsellor but better to be safe than sorry.
Feeling so much better already, I have a goal and a focus, fight for our relationship. I know I’ve been a miserable husband for the last 4 years but I now want to learn and change. I can’t wait for the book to arrive.
It won’t be an easy road I know but at long last I realise what I want more than anything, W, our kids and our beautiful home. Tears in my eye so I’ll sign off now.
Me 48, W 50 M 21, T 27 4 Boys 11 to 19. BD 01 Dec 13
ltd, I'm sorry you find yourself here. But - this is the best place you can be given what you are going through. I hope you received DR today and have a chance to read it at least once - without your W seeing it!!!
This may sound harsh, but if I were you, and your W will agree to continue counseling, I would find a new one. Telling a couple to go have a night out together is NOT COUNSELING. That's what you do when you have a small argument or need to reconnect because things have gotten so busy lately. It is obvious things need to change in this M. Have you considered calling a DB coach? I was hesitant, but I think that my DB coach is worth every last penny I spend on her. I went from sprawled on the floor bawling so loud the cat was afraid of me, sure that my life was completely over and I might as well just be swallowed up by a sinkhole, to feeling positive and hopeful, with a road map of where to go from here. (The book will help you with this as well - the coach is just adding another level to it.)
In the meantime, knowing you have been a crappy H is the first step - so congrats for acknowledging that. This doesn't mean you need to take ALL the blame - there is never one spouse solely responsible for the demise of the M - but that is neither here nor there at this point, just a fact to remember. There is no point in measuring W's blame or focusing on what she did wrong, because YOU are the only one you can change. Think long and hard about the things your W complained about. Consider which ones you want to change for YOU. Not for her. For example, if she says I wish you liked Disney princesses, don't pretend to like Disney Princesses just for her. Only make changes that make you the authentic you.
Read, read, read. I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read the responses on my own thread, but even more so, other people's threads. I have had so many "a ha!" moments reading here. I even keep a list of the advice that really resonates with me.
Keep posting on your own thread and others so you can get off moderation. I know it is frustrating not having your posts appear in real time, but hang in there and it you will be there before you know it.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Your M has some VERY deep-rooted problems. Your W no doubt feels she's been in an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you even admit that you were very controlling and manipulative (and if you don't think so, let me assure you that all the signs are there in your OP). The thing you've got to fight right now is your urge to "fix" this. You are going to want to control and manipulate her right back into the M. But it won't work, she will see it as "more of the same" behavior and it'll just remind her why she wants out. So you have to do a 180 on that, and that means giving her time and space. Remove all pressure. Do not talk about the M. Don't try to make her go to MC. Don't push, don't beg/ plead/ negotiate/ explain/ reason. Just leave her alone to sort things out.
So you've had an epiphany and see now the things you were doing wrong, that's a great start. But do NOT tell her because she's way beyond believing your words. You've got to show her change through ACTIONS. And not just for a day or week or month, because in the short term she'll see it all as tricks to get her back. It's going to take months or maybe even a year or more before she starts believing the changes are real. So settle in and be patient!
One last thing, your comment that you've lost the battle but will win the war, no you won't. As long as you see this as a conflict that you need to win, you will perpetuate the situation. You already lost the war, your marriage is dead and gone. You just don't know it yet. Things will never go back to "normal", your W doesn't want that and frankly you shouldn't either. Accept that your M is done, and then you can get busy making yourself into the person you should have been for her all along. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave, and maybe THEN she will be attracted to you again and the two of you can work on a NEW relationship.
Find a therapist for just you and get ready to take a long hard honest look at yourself, let your W go for now.
Your going to have to do some major work on you before anything else.
BTW, I would not resort to drinking right now.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
W has stopped MC and is proceeding with divorce in January as I'm at my parents with the kids from 27th Dec till the 2nd of Jan. Not sure what to say to the kids or my family.
Me 48, W 50 M 21, T 27 4 Boys 11 to 19. BD 01 Dec 13
We have agreed to separate rooms in our house till then and will tell the kids' this weekend. I'm on the couch and its freezing down here. The kids are starting to notice.
Me 48, W 50 M 21, T 27 4 Boys 11 to 19. BD 01 Dec 13
