I don't believe that God pulls strings and throws havoc into my life. But He was there. He wasn't the cause of it, but he was the one who helped me fix it. Fix me. And the hardest thing was realizing that and giving it to Him. To be able to say, "I can't fix this. I'm giving it back to you and I'm not going to check up on you to see how you're doing. I'm just going to be patient and trust." To not give up, but to do everything I could, and still be okay with the outcome.
I thought I had everything in my life under control. No need for patience, because I could control it all. I thought there was always a way to get what I wanted, if I just put in the effort. There was a lack of appreciation. I took too much for granted. I've looked at life from both sides now. I can feel things for other people now that I never could before. And that is intense and powerful and beautiful and sweet, all at once. I woke up. Parts of me that I didn't even know existed woke up. The Raine then didn't know that this Raine was even possible.
I know what Hell is like, because I've been there. And I can survive it. I know now I can survive anything. I don't fear. The pain that I went through then is part of the happiness now. I would not trade who I am now for anything then. Because I don't think I could get to here without that. I don't think I would have done the work without that. I give myself the credit. I did the work. I didn't sit down. I didn't throw up my hands and say, "God, do your best." No, I did the work, but He was there, always, in every way.
Wow. Just wow. You blew me away with your honesty and beauty of spirit.
