RealityTrip is back from her voyage into "Me" Land

[RealityTrip]

Headache. I woke up with one. I am journaling now from the surgery waiting room in the hospital. My W is in surgery. I think I'm going to have a stress/worry aneurism. I am here with her elderly parents. They are sweet and nervous.

Yesterday my W picked me up from work, we were rushing home after her appt. with her psychiatrist (he manages her depression meds)and we were trying to beat her parents arriving. She took that moment to tell me that she called the xAP to tell her about the surgery today.

I was silent.

She said. "I know you are mad. Are you mad? I told you I was going to do it. You're mad. Why aren't you talking? What are you thinking right now?"

I said, "I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I would like to know why?"

W: I don't know why. I don't know. I think she deserves to know.

Me: Is it about her or about you wanting to talk to her?

W: I don't know. I mean she was my friend for 20 years. She has meant a lot to me. She went with me to see the first surgeon. I just thought she should know. You're mad. What are you thinking?

Me: I am thinking that it's not ok with me for you to contact her but it's your decision.

W: I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry.

Me: Yes you did. You knew that contracting her was going to hurt me. You knew that calling her was not in the best interest of our marriage reconciliation. You knew those things and you decided that hurting me was an acceptable consequence and that what you wanted and what you thought xAP "deserved" was worth it. At my expense. So now I know. Thank you for telling me and being honest with me.

W began crying and apologizing over and over. Verbally berating herself for always hurting me. I didn't fight or respond. I just listened. I said what I needed to say.

Within 15 minutes of that conversation, I was hugging her parents hello.

24 hours later, I am in the OR waiting room, not longer mad, only wanting her to be ok, preparing myself for her months long recovery. (she is having both knees replaced at the same time)

Headache. Breathing. Praying. Journaling.