16th Thread to Somewhere Uncertainly

[jp787]

I want to trust.

I don't want to monitor, it isn't how I want to live and I have a tendency to obsess.

I think I have to forgive myself also.

I think if the M is strong the trust becomes somewhat natural as a strong M must include trust.


On a side note, I can remember trusting my W 200% and that is when I started to take her for granite. I am not saying that is why, but...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Not only is that no way to have a relationship, but that's no way to live either. There aren't enough hours in the day for me as it is. I need to be in tune with my relationship. That is the best indicator.

That was amazingly well said Raine. I don't advocate always checking up, I do believe in trying to control it down to zero, as long as they MLCer is trying to regain trust and is consistently proven to be trustworthy.

This trust issue, don't be putting the cart before the horse, verification of trust comes with 'piecing' when you both are working toward reconciliation. Before that time...I think it is about as useful as herding cats.

[Raine]

Before that time...I think it is about as useful as herding cats.

Dang T2! I think Jack just put the kibosh on your plan to quit your day job.

Completely agree with you, Mr Jack. I hope someday all my tools of snoop will be dead and buried. But I don't know when I will feel secure enough to do that. And I truly feel that it has far more to do with my own insecurities than trusting him.

[TSquared2]

So, a wee bit of dilemma today.

Last night, s3 (who has been sick a lot lately) told me he doesn't like telling Mom his how he is really feeling (healthwise) because of her reaction (swearing, anger, upset) and he doesn't want to stress her out. He is a sweetheart, and a pleaser.

He asked me to tell her that.

I've asked a couple people and have gotten two possible ways to handle this...get out my Mr. Spock costume from the last Star Trek convention I attended back in the 90's and present it short, polite, to the point, "just the facts, ma'am".

The other is to sugarcoat a bit and include some "we" and me in it, that he is worried to tell both of you cause of the reaction? So it's not just on her. Approach it as a "what should we do"?

Thing is, if he were older, I would tell him that he needs to talk to his Mom about it, but he's not older, yet noy a young one, a tweener...

So far, I'm leaning the Mr. Spock way:

"S3 said something to me I thought you should know...he is not comfortable telling you when doesn't feel good because sometimes you react strongly, so now he doesn't want to stress you out" and leave it at that...truth dart style.

If I go the "we" (and she hasn't been much into "we", but occasionally it surfaces)... if I add me to the mix, it has the potential to then become about me and not our son. And, she may feel, "great, I am stressing everyone out".

So any thoughts there would be appreciated, this has to be done sooner rather than later I think. But I will consider all options and such very carefully before doing anything (72 hour rule).

This brought up another issue for me...I haven't checked in with THEM regarding the sitch and THEIR feelings, how it is affecting them in quite a while.

What if my assumptions are wrong, that maybe they have been wanting me to DO something, because they are in limbo as well. I still think the best solution is to get through this and keep the family together, what if they have a different opinion now, after so long? Their needs matter too, and I haven't asked in a long time, been too focused on keeping everything together and running as smoothly as possible.

Her latching on to s2 is very noticeable, she has even whispered awareness of it a couple times.

So, I am thinking time for a check-in , carefully done, with the boys while she's at work so it would be safer and uninterrupted.

I've always worried about quitting right before the finish, and also worried about hanging in too long, and not just with this mlc stuff, but jobs, etc, because I have done both...

Ack...where's the damned EZ Button? Lol!

Comments welcome as always.

[reachingHigher]

I like the truth dart style. It's my H's way with me and I'm used to it probably. Like here is the problem and its up to you what you do about it. Gives her control.

Maybe with th boys just giving them a chance to air out feelings is good. You don't hafta approach it like "do you want us to split up or stay together" but just more of how are you coping -- you can let your feelings out with me and they will be safe.

I know the dynamic is much different with teenage boys and moms versus dads so I feel uncertain giving my opinion here! My boys didnt say much during MLC but we didn't have the live-in MLCer the same we as you did.

I know you will pick just the right method for each scenario!!

You are...and continue to be ... so awesome!

[Mach1]

I don't know how much of a 'truth dart' it will be actually. It has zero to do with the relationship, and it shouldn't.

It's more of a "this is the way this is" thing. Maybe it's just me, I just think that if I start thinking in terms of "truth" or not, then somebody has to be right, and somebody has to be wrong in that equation....

As a parent, how would YOU want to be approached if your child felt as if they could not speak with you ???

I know what I would want, although I am not MLC...

Then again, we always say that MLC is NOT an excuse for their behavior....right ??

So I think straight up, in a non-attacking nature would be the best answer that I could give...

Don't try to fix it, or control it..

What would the old T-Deuce do ??

What does the new improved T-Deuce do ???

I think that he will know that answer , because that is how HE would want to be treated...

And it is about how you want to present yourself....right ???

Remember the whole J3B definition of tact....

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell, and they look forward to the trip

< hey, that quote thing ^^^ saved me a Nickel : )>



I would give into the whole Mr. Spock thing....

I just don't want to give you a geek-gasm this afternoon....

: )

[ForeverYoung]

Hi T2, What is your concern about straight up informing W what s3 told you? Is it fear of her reaction? If so, why?

I've come to the conclusion quite a while ago that I'm not pussy footing around my W. You're ahead of me in MLCland, so I don't think you should be either.

You've been a wonderful H to your W through all this. She sees this and is still there. Being assertive and confident is attractive.

I apologize if I'm off base on how I read your dilemma.

[job]

T2,
I think you need to find some time and have a nice chat w/your wife about your son's concern about letting her know when he's ill. There is absolutely nothing wrong in sharing w/her what your little one said.

She's far enough along now to hear some of these things and she needs to be aware that her child is hesitant to approach her when he's not feeling well.

She needs to hear this and soon.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with job. Tell her, somethings are about

I like your idea of carefully checking on them to see how they are feeling. Carefully being the watch word. Don't commiserate, you be their support.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

let's fix that...

somethings are about more than her MLC and 'feelings' childrens emotional needs almost always trump the MLC egg shell walk.