Harder to forgive myself because right now, I haven't been forgiven.
Really? By whom? Who are you waiting to have come by and forgive you? Exactly?
Quote:
Harder to find forgiveness for myself because I can't lie to myself. It's easy to tell someone you forgive them and let them move on, but true forgiveness is from within. It isn't a statement or a collection of words. It is a mindset that that person did not mean to harm you or wrong you. They are just human and messed up. Just as I will have to truly find forgiveness for W's transgressions and hurtful words, I gotta find it for myself.
You do have a lot to learn. You cannot lie about forgiveness to anyone. They'll find you out.
You are asking the right questions, but you're looking in the wrong places. Let's get that shovel out and get started, shall we?
For starters, your W did what she did. If it wasn't you, it could or would have been somebody else. It still may be at some point. There's a lot that hasn't transpired in your life nor in hers. But in your talk about your epiphany, you were blaming your W
Quote:
Just as I will have to truly find forgiveness for W's transgressions and hurtful words
I'm not saying she wasn't trying to hurt you. She was most likely. I'm not saying you did or didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter. That's the LEAST of the issues and baggage you need to deal with if you ask me.
Quote:
-I regret allowing my M to deteriorate to the point of death. My W has yet to forgive me. That is my chit to own. I know MLC would have happened, but my contributions are real.
Yes your contributions are real. Yes it likely would have happened now or ten years from now. But you are NOT waiting for your W to forgive you. Are you?
How can you expect anyone to forgive you if you haven't forgiven yourself?
For a second course - define screwed up for me. I don't see a man that screwed up. I don't see a man that was right or wrong. I see a man that is learning from his past - things that are both good for him and not so good for him.
I realize you are in pain. I realize it would be easy to turn the dial so that you're looking at yourself and containing all of the wrongs and rights in your past. Here's a valuable rule to remember: only own the stuff that's yours. You haven't yet - you're still taking more than yours. That won't work out very well, I can tell you from experience.
Help me understand. Answer that first question and I think it'll help.
For the record - I disagree with Eric in the area of talking to your mother. I'm of the mind that she won't have that conversation with you due to the family history of not showing the emotions. But you're closer to it, and I would very much like to wait for her to be ready to talk about it vs. bringing it up. If it were me.
Keep working at it. You're seeing more and more, but be careful to not own more than your own. It'll slow you down.
AJ
PS - does UR know about the initiation to the boys club?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
