16th Thread to Somewhere Uncertainly

[Raine]

Trust is slowly coming for me. H is working on earning it, and I don't know if that is on purpose or subconsciously. I think trust for me has more to do with trusting my own intuition. To know that if something happened again, I will know. I really don't think I will be fooled again. Because as I look back, I knew there were signs, but I discounted them. I trusted him above my own intuition. And that is something that will never happen with anyone ever again. Au revoir à mon innocence.

Someone told me that I need to stop looking at things, but I told them, it's not going to happen. I'm not going to get blindsided again. But as time goes on, and his actions continue to be consistent, the less I think about checking up on him and the span of time between check-ins increases. I just don't even think about it like I did before. In fact I went so long that I forgot a password.

The thing is, there is always going to be ways for them to skirt around it. Me looking at his phone or phone record is zero indication of his complete fidelity. I could have every tracking device in the world on him and he could still go under the radar. I don't want to think that I could have a monthly checkup with his phone and think all is a-okay in our relationship. Nor do I want to have that kind of "pat" indicator that all is well and fine.

Not only is that no way to have a relationship, but that's no way to live either. There aren't enough hours in the day for me as it is. I need to be in tune with my relationship. That is the best indicator.