Great discussion here guys. Struggling with the idea of forgiveness today. Trust for me is a long way down the road. Just trying to forgive myself is step 1.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I'll answer but, my answer doesn't matter in so much that your answer is the important one here. Know what I mean? The WHY of your reasons is the one that matters.
Did I trust myself? No, not really I had been burned by trust, I didn't trust myself. It was sort of random and when I felt...'worried' at first. When I got scared I wanted to be wrong and to not find anything.
Self protection? Yeah, I suppose so. As much as it woul dhave hurt and suckked and it would have; I'd rather not have been fooled or felt the fool again.
"Controlling Habit" No. I was pretty clear I told her I would check up on her. I was up front and it was a part of the deal she agreed to. I'm not really a controlling type of guy so this wasn't the reason.
protection and paranoia I'll go with.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I know I have controlling tendencies, I don't want things to go wrong, or fail, or have to "fix" something unexpectedly...
And well, my career choice happens to depend on being very, very good at controlling variables and monitoring "states", and I reckon I got a bunch of that from my Dad...between engineering and military?...oh yeah...
Quote:
I'd rather not have been fooled or felt the fool again.
I hear that, old T2's ego wants protection...lol...but am I/would I be fooled or the fool, if I go in with open eyes, knowing that trust could be broken?
Do I trust myself to handle that appropriately, and without devastation? Yes, I believe I do...NOW.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
If my W says she will put our bills in the mail, I trust that she will do that. If she forgets, I may be disappointed.
I trust that my W won’t have an Affair because I trust her, yet if she does I am more than disappointed, I feel betrayal.
So isn’t it just as much if not more about respect?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I feel compelled to check to see if my W has texted the OM at times even when she says she isn’t. Other times I don’t feel the need. Idk if it is fear, anxiety, remembering or all…
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Trust is slowly coming for me. H is working on earning it, and I don't know if that is on purpose or subconsciously. I think trust for me has more to do with trusting my own intuition. To know that if something happened again, I will know. I really don't think I will be fooled again. Because as I look back, I knew there were signs, but I discounted them. I trusted him above my own intuition. And that is something that will never happen with anyone ever again. Au revoir à mon innocence.
Someone told me that I need to stop looking at things, but I told them, it's not going to happen. I'm not going to get blindsided again. But as time goes on, and his actions continue to be consistent, the less I think about checking up on him and the span of time between check-ins increases. I just don't even think about it like I did before. In fact I went so long that I forgot a password.
The thing is, there is always going to be ways for them to skirt around it. Me looking at his phone or phone record is zero indication of his complete fidelity. I could have every tracking device in the world on him and he could still go under the radar. I don't want to think that I could have a monthly checkup with his phone and think all is a-okay in our relationship. Nor do I want to have that kind of "pat" indicator that all is well and fine.
Not only is that no way to have a relationship, but that's no way to live either. There aren't enough hours in the day for me as it is. I need to be in tune with my relationship. That is the best indicator.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
