Thanks again for your insight!!! You have been a godsend for keeping my PMA up! I have been trying so hard to not react to my W and only validate! In fact I am actually just trying to validate everyone these days. Figure the best way to change myself is to change my interactions with everyone.
Talking Divorce and financials is very tough... I do think that W gave me some nuggets of wisdom on how I interacted with her when it comes to business/home/finances. I have always felt that I was the leader and she only wanted to follow, Even with our spirituality too. I think this crisis we are going through is a way for W to take controll and also find out who she is. I just hope that there is not a wake of distruction for the kids and household. I love her... and am not giving up... at least anytime soon.
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
Thanks again for your insight!!! You have been a godsend for keeping my PMA up! I have been trying so hard to not react to my W and only validate! In fact I am actually just trying to validate everyone these days. Figure the best way to change myself is to change my interactions with everyone.
Talking Divorce and financials is very tough... I do think that W gave me some nuggets of wisdom on how I interacted with her when it comes to business/home/finances. I have always felt that I was the leader and she only wanted to follow, Even with our spirituality too. I think this crisis we are going through is a way for W to take controll and also find out who she is. I just hope that there is not a wake of distruction for the kids and household. I love her... and am not giving up... at least anytime soon.
Groov
I am becoming aware now of a similar dynamic at play during our M. I was clueless as to her feeling of being not in control or trapped. Either I never heard what she was trying t say, or she wasnt saying it. The likelihood is that both were in play.
Now she is taking control, but unfortunately she's not sure where she wants to lead the ship (only that she doesn't want me on that ship)!
Keep it up GS. I have a D5 and S1. They are fortunately clueless since W is still living at home. How are yours doing?
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
Had a good weekend with the Kids, Picked up a christmas tree and set it up, went to a kids workshop and did some woodworking, decorated the home, went to the move Frozen finished off by going to the Salt Lake City Temple square and looked and at the lights and taught the kids about Christ.
Had a good time at church, Taught a lesson on loving god more than the world. I took some of the principles to heart. Wish I would have a long time ago....
My parents and brother surprised me by bring sunday evening dinner over. While they were there W shows up to pick up the kids. W acted like the W I have always known.... She saw the decorations and noticed a Nativity set. She make a comment how that was new and she hadn't seen it before... Well... I reminded her that I gave that to her last year on Christmas Eve, It took a moment... but finally she recognized it. Weird...
I helped get the kids out the door and wished W well. That night Kids call for nightly scripture and prayer. W wants to talk afterward. So she Talks more about the D and the Financials and getting the ducks in a row... I had such a PMA before this phone call. After the call, couldn't sleep. UGGG.... My wife is an alien, someone so loving toward me and now she is ICE...
I am keeping positive, I am validating. I am being patient. I am praying hard. It's hard to see her treat me this way. I cannot control her, so here I am rolling with the punches.
I am having a hard time with what points to protect myself on this D, I don't want to become adversarial and make it harder in the future for a Reconciliation... at the same time I need to make sure I am protected...
These are the experiences and thoughts of my heart.
Hoping for a miracle... still....
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
I really feel for you and know how hard it is to go through what you are experiencing. I am glad that I have helped you. It is not selfless though, as I feel that when I help you (or anyone) I help myself. Your efforts to change your way of life are inspiring to me. You are so sincerely trying to change. Just the fact that you are trying to treat everyone in a new and valued way, proves that you understand this is not only about your relationship with your W and that you are going through this for a bigger reason. Congratulations on that! I am doing the same...it gives me great pleasure to know that I am slowing down, paying attention to how I make others feel, and making a conscious effort to ensure that people feel good when they are around me. You are obviously succeeding at that since your family surprised you! They wanted to be around you! Sweet!
What I have noticed is that I have been VERY hard on myself for the mistakes that I have made in the past. I think I have to be in order to make honest changes, but there is a time and place for reflecting...and I think I am in a place where I have to give myself a break. I don't know if you have been doing this like I have, but when you said that you gave her a nativity set last year, it made me think that is something that you have to remember that you did right!. What a nice gift! What I would do for my BF to be so thoughtful!
Remember the things you did right, and recall WHY you did those things. Love. I heard just today that God will reward you when the intentions in your heart are right, despite any mistakes that you may have made. Think of this when you are discussing financials and making decisions here. You have to protect yourself, and in doing that you are taking loving care of your kids and ultimately your W. Stand up for yourself, lovingly!
Miracles are happening every second. You are good.
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
Keep it up GS. I have a D5 and S1. They are fortunately clueless since W is still living at home. How are yours doing?
My kids are confused. We have sat them down and talked with them about Mommy staying there and Daddy staying here. They are doing ok. My D6 Is excited when it's time to see me and she usually cries when it's time to go with Mom. It's very sad. I have been very attentive to my kids and my relationship with them is better than ever. D6 seems to be able to open up with me with all her feelings and fears.
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
She suggested I start writing a Last Resort Letter. Any here have any experiences with this? If so do you have an effective template. Successes? Failures?
Groov
Me:35 W:33 D:6 S:4 M:13 years BD:W Moves Out with D6 S4 7/25/13 EA: Confirmed 12/12/13 Divorced: 11/7/2014
She suggested I start writing a Last Resort Letter. Any here have any experiences with this? If so do you have an effective template. Successes? Failures?
Groov
Get the book "Love must be tough" by James Dobson...he has a great example letter in there. You should be able to find it at a library.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
