Harder to forgive myself because right now, I haven't been forgiven. The things I carry around currently are regrets that I cannot go to someone to ask for their forgiveness.
-I regret how my R with my Dad deteriorated and ultimately was unresolved at the time of his death. Can't open up and ask him about it.
-I regret how I wasn't there as much for my friend who died at age 36 in May from cancer. Can't make up that time.
-I regret not spending time with my grandfather and grandmother before they passed away. Can't ask for their forgiveness.
-I regret allowing my M to deteriorate to the point of death. My W has yet to forgive me. That is my chit to own. I know MLC would have happened, but my contributions are real.
The only way I can find forgiveness in those things is to accept that I screwed up. Find it from within. Place it at the feet of God and move on. No one is going to come to me with a great certificate of forgiveness to wipe the slate clean. Hard to find that forgiveness in myself for our sitch because I'm still holding on to resentment because I didn't walk away like she did. Anger still exists.
There is a piece of me that always wants to be right. Our ego doesn't allow us to humble ourselves that easily. To forgive myself for these failures is to own them all and fully process them. Tie up the loose ends. Close the doors.
Know that I just wasn't prepared at that moment in my life for what hit me. I was too selfish or caught up in other things to see it. I wasn't giving enough of myself to understand that what I wanted didn't matter, yet my time, my effort, and my presence did matter somewhere else.
Epiphany for me just now:
Harder to find forgiveness for myself because I can't lie to myself. It's easy to tell someone you forgive them and let them move on, but true forgiveness is from within. It isn't a statement or a collection of words. It is a mindset that that person did not mean to harm you or wrong you. They are just human and messed up. Just as I will have to truly find forgiveness for W's transgressions and hurtful words, I gotta find it for myself.
That's a deep hole and I ain't got the roots yet I don't think.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
